SNL Transcripts: Taylor Lautner: 12/12/09: PGA Tour III


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi


Tim Finchem……Jason Sudeikis

[ open on PGA Tour logo ]

Announcer: And now, the final message from the PGA Tour.

[ dissolve to Tim Finchem, flask in hand and tie wrapped around his head, seated drunkenly at booth ]

Tim Finchem: [ singing ] “It’s the eye of the tiger…” The wandering eye of a JERK!! [ he looks up and smiles ] oh, heeey there! Tim Finchem, suicide watch. Um — the pga tour is back. Huh? Did I mention the golf cart races? [ he sips from his flask, spits, then gets serious ] Okay, look — I want to thank our newest sponsors: the Erie, Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce… the letter “Q”… and, uh — and seltzer! If you’re looking for bubbles, you’re looking for seltzer! It’s great to have you guys on board. All right? Hey. You know that saying — that saying that “Any publicity is good publicity”? Who said that? Seriously! Who said that?! I want his name and his address! Because he’s a LIAR!!

[ he hoists his flask to his mouth, then falls short and makes a raspberry ]

Tim Finchem: Hey, you know what? On the tour, we’ve got Steve Elkington… and we got a guy named Henrik Stenson… and there’s a dude named Whitey Whiterson… and “Trust Fund” Jones III. You know — just regular dudes dudes can relate to! [ he swallows, then breaks down ] Oh, we’ve literally got nobody, okay? We have NOBODY! [ he starts to weep ] Aw, just stop it! Just stop the commercial! [ he leans back and screams ] TIIIIGERRRR!!

[ return to PGA Tour logo ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the PGA Tour. P.S.: Yikes!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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