Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 9
PGA Tour III
Tim Finchem……Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: And now, the final message from the PGA Tour.[ dissolve to Tim Finchem, flask in hand and tie wrapped around his head, seated drunkenly at booth ]
Tim Finchem: [ singing ] “It’s the eye of the tiger…” The wandering eye of a JERK!! [ he looks up and smiles ] oh, heeey there! Tim Finchem, suicide watch. Um — the pga tour is back. Huh? Did I mention the golf cart races? [ he sips from his flask, spits, then gets serious ] Okay, look — I want to thank our newest sponsors: the Erie, Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce… the letter “Q”… and, uh — and seltzer! If you’re looking for bubbles, you’re looking for seltzer! It’s great to have you guys on board. All right? Hey. You know that saying — that saying that “Any publicity is good publicity”? Who said that? Seriously! Who said that?! I want his name and his address! Because he’s a LIAR!![ he hoists his flask to his mouth, then falls short and makes a raspberry ]
Tim Finchem: Hey, you know what? On the tour, we’ve got Steve Elkington… and we got a guy named Henrik Stenson… and there’s a dude named Whitey Whiterson… and “Trust Fund” Jones III. You know — just regular dudes dudes can relate to! [ he swallows, then breaks down ] Oh, we’ve literally got nobody, okay? We have NOBODY! [ he starts to weep ] Aw, just stop it! Just stop the commercial! [ he leans back and screams ] TIIIIGERRRR!!
Announcer: This has been a message from the PGA Tour. P.S.: Yikes![ fade ]