SNL Transcripts: Taylor Lautner: 12/12/09: Twilight Debate


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

Twilight Debate

Mr. Armstrong…..Bill Hader
Ellie…..Jenny Slate
Mariana…..Taylor Lautner
Female Student…..Nasim Pedrad
Male Student #1……Andy Samberg
Male Student #2……Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior, high school, as the bell rings ] [ dissolve to interior, science lab ]

Mr. Armstrong: All right, class. I need everyone to pair off in teams for their lab reports.

Ellie: [ wearing a “Team Jacob” t-shirt ] Mr. Armstrong, there’s a problem. I don’t have a lab partner.

Mr. Armstrong: That’s impossible, Ellie. There’s an even number of people in this class.

Ellie: That may very well be, but it should be obvious that I cannot work with Marianna.

Mr. Armstrong: Why not?

Ellie: You know why not.

[ reveal Marianna, wearing a Team Edward t-shirt ]

Mr. Armstrong: Ellie, don’t be ridiculous. Go work with Marianna.

Mariana: Um — I don’t want to work with her either, Mr. Armstrong.

Mr. Armstrong: Why not?

Mariana: How can I ever trust her scientific conclusions if she prefers Jacob to Edward? Jacob smells. He smells like a wet dog.

Ellie: Maybe Jacob smells like a wet dog, but at least he’s loyal and he wouldn’t just leave you and break your heart.

Mariana: Uh, Edward left to protect Bella!

Ellie: Yeah, well, he should have said that instead of lying to her!

Mariana: It KILLED him to lie to her, but he had no choice!

Mr. Armstrong: Enough!! Will anyone switch partners with Marianna or Ellie?

Entire Class: NOOOOO!!!!

Mr. Armstrong: Sorry, you’ll have to work together.

Ellie: Well, If we’re going to have to work together, then we’re going to need a truce.

Mariana: Like the truce between the vampires and the werewolves?

Ellie: Oh, duh! What other truces are there?

Mariana: Fine. What’s the truce?

Ellie: If you promise not to disparage my beautiful Jacob, I promise not to mention your moody, overjealous girlfriend.

Mariana: No! Edward is — Edward is a BOY!!

Ellie: Then why does he sparkle like a princess’ tiara?!

Mr. Armstrong: All right! That’s enough! Is anyone willing to switch with Ellie or Marianna?

Entire Class: NOOOOO!!!!

Mr. Armstrong: Then I’m left with no choice. You both to come up to the front of the class… and debate Edward vs. Jacob once and for all.

[ Ellie and Marianna relunctantly step forward, as the rest of the class frowns ]

Female Student: Couldn’t you just send them to the principal?

Male Student #1: Yeah. Why would you even want to hear them talk about this nonsense?

Mr. Armstrong: Because I’m a scientist. And, as a scientist, I look for answers. Marianna, you go first.

Mariana: Thank you, Mr. Armstrong. Love. What is it? Can it be planned? Or is it fated? I believe it is. In the moment I heard Edward say: [ he holds up Edward notebook in front of his face ] “i don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore,” I knew we’d be together.

Male Student #2: [ shaking his head ] I’m sorry. Does she think she’s going to end up with the fictional vampire from “Twilight”?

Mariana: Not think. Know! [ he leans down to kiss his notebook ] [ at this point, Jenny Slate reads the wrong line off of the cue card ]

Ellie: Hey… what have I told you, Marianna..?

Mr. Armstrong: [ jumping in ] What have I told you, Marianna? What are you doing?

Mariana: [ she stops ] I’m sorry. Notebooks are for notes, not for kissing.

Mr. Armstrong: That’s right. Ellie?

Ellie: Thank you. There was a time in my life when I, too, loved Edward Cullen, when Jacob was nearly a blip on my radar screen. But then something changed. Maybe I changed. Maybe I learned the value of a guy who is also my friend. But, more likely, Jacob changed. And when he took off his shirt in “New Moon,” I saw those changes, and I was like, “Yeah! I want bake cookies on your stomach.”

Mariana: No. Those are fake abs!

Ellie: These are not fake abs.

Mariana: They are, too, fake! They’re CGI, just like the wolf.

Ellie: These are real! These abs are real.

Mariana: If those abs are real, then the dude who played jacob deserves an Oscar.

Ellie: Yeah, he does deserve an Oscar! He does deserve an Oscar! He does!

Mr. Armstrong: [ jumping in ] Girls! Stop, stop! What happened to you? You used to be best friends, and then “Twilight” changed everything. I mean, can’t you get past your differences?

Ellie: I wish we could, but I can’t connect with a person who prefers ice cold vampire blood to the hot bodied torso of werewolf man.

Mariana: Yeah! And I can’t deal with someone who doesn’t see that Bella is a whiney do-nothing that doesn’t deserve either one of them.

Ellie: But I do think that Bella is a whiney do-nothing that does not deserve either one of them.

Mariana: You do?

Ellie: Totally!

Mariana: Oh… my… goodness! Do you want to talk about this during recess?

Ellie: I want to talk about this for a thousand recesses.

Mariana: Whoo-ooh-ooh!

[ they return to their lab table ]

Mr. Armstrong: Alright. How about a round of applause for ellie and marianna?

[ no response ]

Mr. Armstrong: Would you think about it, at least? No? Okay. [ he turns to the blackboard ] So — biology!

[ cut to exterior, high school ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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