Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 9
Mr. Armstrong…..Bill Hader
Female Student…..Nasim Pedrad
Male Student #1……Andy Samberg
Male Student #2……Bobby Moynihan
[ open on exterior, high school, as the bell rings ] [ dissolve to interior, science lab ]
Mr. Armstrong: All right, class. I need everyone to pair off in teams for their lab reports.
Ellie: [ wearing a “Team Jacob” t-shirt ] Mr. Armstrong, there’s a problem. I don’t have a lab partner.
Mr. Armstrong: That’s impossible, Ellie. There’s an even number of people in this class.
Ellie: That may very well be, but it should be obvious that I cannot work with Marianna.
Mr. Armstrong: Why not?
Ellie: You know why not.[ reveal Marianna, wearing a Team Edward t-shirt ]
Mr. Armstrong: Ellie, don’t be ridiculous. Go work with Marianna.
Mariana: Um — I don’t want to work with her either, Mr. Armstrong.
Mr. Armstrong: Why not?
Mariana: How can I ever trust her scientific conclusions if she prefers Jacob to Edward? Jacob smells. He smells like a wet dog.
Ellie: Maybe Jacob smells like a wet dog, but at least he’s loyal and he wouldn’t just leave you and break your heart.
Mariana: Uh, Edward left to protect Bella!
Ellie: Yeah, well, he should have said that instead of lying to her!
Mariana: It KILLED him to lie to her, but he had no choice!
Mr. Armstrong: Enough!! Will anyone switch partners with Marianna or Ellie?
Entire Class: NOOOOO!!!!
Mr. Armstrong: Sorry, you’ll have to work together.
Ellie: Well, If we’re going to have to work together, then we’re going to need a truce.
Mariana: Like the truce between the vampires and the werewolves?
Ellie: Oh, duh! What other truces are there?
Mariana: Fine. What’s the truce?
Ellie: If you promise not to disparage my beautiful Jacob, I promise not to mention your moody, overjealous girlfriend.
Mariana: No! Edward is — Edward is a BOY!!
Ellie: Then why does he sparkle like a princess’ tiara?!
Mr. Armstrong: All right! That’s enough! Is anyone willing to switch with Ellie or Marianna?
Entire Class: NOOOOO!!!!
Mr. Armstrong: Then I’m left with no choice. You both to come up to the front of the class… and debate Edward vs. Jacob once and for all.[ Ellie and Marianna relunctantly step forward, as the rest of the class frowns ]
Female Student: Couldn’t you just send them to the principal?
Male Student #1: Yeah. Why would you even want to hear them talk about this nonsense?
Mr. Armstrong: Because I’m a scientist. And, as a scientist, I look for answers. Marianna, you go first.
Mariana: Thank you, Mr. Armstrong. Love. What is it? Can it be planned? Or is it fated? I believe it is. In the moment I heard Edward say: [ he holds up Edward notebook in front of his face ] “i don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore,” I knew we’d be together.
Male Student #2: [ shaking his head ] I’m sorry. Does she think she’s going to end up with the fictional vampire from “Twilight”?
Mariana: Not think. Know! [ he leans down to kiss his notebook ] [ at this point, Jenny Slate reads the wrong line off of the cue card ]
Ellie: Hey… what have I told you, Marianna..?
Mr. Armstrong: [ jumping in ] What have I told you, Marianna? What are you doing?
Mariana: [ she stops ] I’m sorry. Notebooks are for notes, not for kissing.
Mr. Armstrong: That’s right. Ellie?
Ellie: Thank you. There was a time in my life when I, too, loved Edward Cullen, when Jacob was nearly a blip on my radar screen. But then something changed. Maybe I changed. Maybe I learned the value of a guy who is also my friend. But, more likely, Jacob changed. And when he took off his shirt in “New Moon,” I saw those changes, and I was like, “Yeah! I want bake cookies on your stomach.”
Mariana: No. Those are fake abs!
Ellie: These are not fake abs.
Mariana: They are, too, fake! They’re CGI, just like the wolf.
Ellie: These are real! These abs are real.
Mariana: If those abs are real, then the dude who played jacob deserves an Oscar.
Ellie: Yeah, he does deserve an Oscar! He does deserve an Oscar! He does!
Mr. Armstrong: [ jumping in ] Girls! Stop, stop! What happened to you? You used to be best friends, and then “Twilight” changed everything. I mean, can’t you get past your differences?
Ellie: I wish we could, but I can’t connect with a person who prefers ice cold vampire blood to the hot bodied torso of werewolf man.
Mariana: Yeah! And I can’t deal with someone who doesn’t see that Bella is a whiney do-nothing that doesn’t deserve either one of them.
Ellie: But I do think that Bella is a whiney do-nothing that does not deserve either one of them.
Mariana: You do?
Mariana: Oh… my… goodness! Do you want to talk about this during recess?
Ellie: I want to talk about this for a thousand recesses.
Mariana: Whoo-ooh-ooh![ they return to their lab table ]
Mr. Armstrong: Alright. How about a round of applause for ellie and marianna?[ no response ]
Mr. Armstrong: Would you think about it, at least? No? Okay. [ he turns to the blackboard ] So — biology![ cut to exterior, high school ] [ fade ]