SNL Transcripts: James Franco: 12/19/09: James Franco’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 10

09j: James Franco / Muse

James Franco’s Monologue

…..James Franco

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — James Franco!

James Franco: Thank you. Thank you, thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the second time. Last time I hosted, I’d just moved to New York and enrolled as a student at Columbia University. I went back to school because I wanted to do something that was intelligently stimulating, and, as you can see from this TMZ photo, it’s really working out. [ reveal photo of Franco asleep in a classroom ]

It’s been an exciting year for me. I was lucky enough to be in a little movie called “Hope’s Promise” [ he indicates for the audience to grant him applause ] I’m just kidding — t’s not a real movie! [ he laughs ] Unlike last year, I don’t have a movie to promote. But “SNL” doesn’t have an election this year, so we’re all getting by with a little less. Of course, there was a time when I was in movies, but then I took a break to go to college. And now I’m on the soap opera “General Hospital”. [ the audience cheers wildly ] I’m not kidding this time — I’m actually on “General Hospital”. I’ve been on it for the last month. Let’s see a clip!

[ cut to clip ]

Maxie Jones: Wow, you really know how to charm the pants off of a girl.

Franco: Your pants are already halfway down your thighs.

[ return to Franco, smiling ]

James Franco: That’s real, I might add!

A lot of people say being on “General Hospital” is a major step backwards, career-wise. You know… people like my family, my agent, the other people on “General Hospital”. But there’s a logic to it. You see, every move I make in my career is part of a strategy I have. [ he looks off-stage ] Could you bring out the bin?

[ a raffle bin, filled with slips, is wheeled in ]

This bin is filled with idea slips that people give me throughout the year when I ask them for career advice. Every year I pick a few idea slips, and then do whatever they say. Like last year, they told me to be on “General Hospital”. Now we’re almost at the new year, so let’s see what 2010 has in store for James Franco!

[ he spins the wheel and pulls out a slip ]

Oh! “Play a dead body on Law and Order.” Well, it’s another step backward… but, it’s in the idea bin, so I guess I’m gonna do it. You see how it works? Okay. Next.

[ he reaches in and pulls out another slip ]

Oh! “Do another Spider-man movie.” Ah! You see, sometimes there are good ones.

[ he reaches in yet again ]

Mmm! “Pick a town in the midwest and have sex with every woman in it.” [ he crumples it up ] I did that one last year! Hagensville, Kansas — what’s up?

[ he reaches in one last time ]

Okay, okay, one more. One more BIG one. Here we go. [ he clears his throat ] This is interesting: Make this the best “SNL” christmas show of all time! [ the audience cheers ] Not a chance!

we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Muse is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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