Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 10
Sigma Lambda Omega
[Intro: a shot of the outside of the Sigma Lambda Omega frat house. Written along the bottom of the screen is “Sigma Lambda Omega – 4:30 PM.”] [Cut to: inside the frat house, where a pledge is on his knees blindfolded and three frat members are yelling at him.]
Jason: On your knees pledge!
James: Take off that blindfold!
Bobby: Yeah, welcome to hell week!
Andy: Guys, I really gotta go study for a final.
Bobby: Sigmas don’t study, frosh!
Jason: Yeah! Now, what does this sweatshirt say?!
Andy: Sigma Lambda Omega![Bobby holds up a paddle.]
Bobby: And what does this paddle say?
Andy: Brotherhood is strength!
James: And what does this say?
Andy: Uh..this is some kind of menu.
James: Okay! [He hands Andy a piece of paper.] What about this?! What does this say?!
Jason: Read it!
Andy: Uh…this is a water bill.
Bobby: What does it say?!
Andy: Uh…it says you owe the company $42 and you already have 300.
Jason: Put those together!
Bobby: So it becomes one number![Andy looks confused]
Andy: You mean add them? It’s $342.
James: All right. Now do this one! [He hands Andy another piece of paper.]
Jason: Do it!
Bobby: What does it say?!
Andy: All right. Uh…it’s a letter from your mom. [Andy stands up.] It says “Dear, Travis. I’m starting to suspect you cannot read. Please come home.”
Jason, James, and Bobby: On your knees! Get on your knees!
Andy: So wait….what are your guys’ majors?
Bobby: Sigmas don’t have majors. The only class we take is “Kicking Ass 101.”
Jason: Yeah! Guess what you get to do ’cause you got such a smart mouth?! You gotta crawl over here and you gotta tie my shoe.
James: But, that’s not all! You can explain what you’re doing as you do it.
Bobby: Yeah! [Pointing to Jason’s shoe.] Explain how you do it!
Jason: Yeah, do it and explain it at the same time now![Andy shuffles over to Jason on his knees.]
Andy: Okay, okay. [He takes Jason’s shoelaces.] So I take this lace and cross it with this lace.
Jason: Yeah, slower freshman! And do it again!
Andy: Alright, so you take the left loop –
James: Left! Oh, so you need to know right and left stuff?
Andy: Oh wow…
Jason, James and Bobby: Get on your knees, pledge! On your knees!
Andy: I’m on my knees.
Jason: Good, ’cause it’s time for a pop quiz!
Bobby: Yeah, get it right [he smacks the paddle] or pay the price![All three get real close to Andy.]
James: A baby’s inside a mommy’s tummy –
Jason: That’s right.
James: – and then, all of a sudden, the baby’s at home. Explain that.[Andy wipes away saliva from the right side of his cheek as the audience laughs.]
Andy: Well, uh, the mommy goes to the hospital and goes into labor, which means she’s dilated, okay?[The three frat members look confused.]
Andy: You know, uh, a stork brings the baby to mommy.
Jason, James and Bobby: Yeah, yeah.
Bobby: I like that one!
James: Good answer.
Andy: Aww, it must be hard for you guys –
Bobby: [with fist clenched] The only thing that’s hard is this punch I can do.
Jason, James and Bobby: On your knees! Get on your knees, pledge!
Jason: [grabbing a can] Yeah, you gotta chug this beer now![Jason gives the can to Andy.]
Andy: This is not a beer.[The three frat members look confused.]
James: What does it say?
Andy: [looking at the can] Diet Coke.
James: I thought it said Lite Beer!
Bobby: Yeah! It’s Lite Beer because it’s four letters, a space, and then four letters.
Jason: Yeah, four space four!
Andy: Okay, okay. But there are all different kinds of letters.
Jason: You…you…[The three are confused yet again.]
Jason: How the…
Andy: You know what guys, I’m gonna head out. I don’t really want to pledge this frat anymore.[The three look annoyed.]
James: There’s only one way to get out of here in one piece. THE GAUNTLET!
Andy: What’s that?
Jason: You gotta answer like a bunch of questions that we have! [He points to his buddies.]
Andy: Okay, go ahead.
James: When the TV stops, where do the tiny people go and are they okay?
Bobby: Yeah, yeah. When thunder happens, who is mad at who?!
James: What’s an Obama?
Jason: What is it?
Andy: All right, that’s a lot of questions, you guys.
Jason: Aww, what’s the matter? Did we scare the little baby?
James: Yeah, you wanna go back to your stork?
Jason: Yeah, from earlier.[James and Jason high five each other.] [Andy is smiling and shaking his head.]
Andy: Um…okay, okay. I’ll answer your questions. It might take a little while though.
James: Well, um, should we get on our knees?
Andy: Yes, that’d be great.[Andy walks over to the couch and sits down as the three frat members kneel down in front of him.]
Andy: Okay, first off, the little TV people are just fine…
Jason, James and Bobby: Ah yeah![The outside of the frat house is shown again.] [Fade out.]
Submitted by: Matt W.