SNL Transcripts: James Franco: 12/19/09: Sigma Lambda Omega

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 10

09j: James Franco / Muse

Sigma Lambda Omega

James……James Franco
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Bobby…..Bobby Moynihan

[Intro: a shot of the outside of the Sigma Lambda Omega frat house. Written along the bottom of the screen is “Sigma Lambda Omega – 4:30 PM.”] [Cut to: inside the frat house, where a pledge is on his knees blindfolded and three frat members are yelling at him.]

Jason: On your knees pledge!

James: Take off that blindfold!

Bobby: Yeah, welcome to hell week!

Andy: Guys, I really gotta go study for a final.

Bobby: Sigmas don’t study, frosh!

Jason: Yeah! Now, what does this sweatshirt say?!

Andy: Sigma Lambda Omega!

[Bobby holds up a paddle.]

Bobby: And what does this paddle say?

Andy: Brotherhood is strength!

[James hands Andy a pamphlet.]

James: And what does this say?

Andy: Uh..this is some kind of menu.

James: Okay! [He hands Andy a piece of paper.] What about this?! What does this say?!

Jason: Read it!

Andy: Uh…this is a water bill.

Bobby: What does it say?!

Andy: Uh…it says you owe the company $42 and you already have 300.

Jason: Put those together!

Bobby: So it becomes one number!

[Andy looks confused]

Andy: You mean add them? It’s $342.

James: All right. Now do this one! [He hands Andy another piece of paper.]

Jason: Do it!

Bobby: What does it say?!

Andy: All right. Uh…it’s a letter from your mom. [Andy stands up.] It says “Dear, Travis. I’m starting to suspect you cannot read. Please come home.”

Jason, James, and Bobby: On your knees! Get on your knees!

Andy: So wait….what are your guys’ majors?

Bobby: Sigmas don’t have majors. The only class we take is “Kicking Ass 101.”

James: Yeah.

Jason: Yeah! Guess what you get to do ’cause you got such a smart mouth?! You gotta crawl over here and you gotta tie my shoe.

James: But, that’s not all! You can explain what you’re doing as you do it.

Jason: Yeah.

Bobby: Yeah! [Pointing to Jason’s shoe.] Explain how you do it!

Jason: Yeah, do it and explain it at the same time now!

[Andy shuffles over to Jason on his knees.]

Andy: Okay, okay. [He takes Jason’s shoelaces.] So I take this lace and cross it with this lace.

Jason: Yeah, slower freshman! And do it again!

Andy: Alright, so you take the left loop –

James: Left! Oh, so you need to know right and left stuff?

Andy: Oh wow…

Jason, James and Bobby: Get on your knees, pledge! On your knees!

Andy: I’m on my knees.

Jason: Good, ’cause it’s time for a pop quiz!

Bobby: Yeah, get it right [he smacks the paddle] or pay the price!

[All three get real close to Andy.]

James: A baby’s inside a mommy’s tummy –

Jason: That’s right.

James: – and then, all of a sudden, the baby’s at home. Explain that.

[Andy wipes away saliva from the right side of his cheek as the audience laughs.]

Andy: Well, uh, the mommy goes to the hospital and goes into labor, which means she’s dilated, okay?

[The three frat members look confused.]

Andy: You know, uh, a stork brings the baby to mommy.

Jason, James and Bobby: Yeah, yeah.

Bobby: I like that one!

James: Good answer.

Andy: Aww, it must be hard for you guys –

Bobby: [with fist clenched] The only thing that’s hard is this punch I can do.

Andy: Aww.

Jason, James and Bobby: On your knees! Get on your knees, pledge!

Jason: [grabbing a can] Yeah, you gotta chug this beer now!

[Jason gives the can to Andy.]

Andy: This is not a beer.

[The three frat members look confused.]

James: What does it say?

Andy: [looking at the can] Diet Coke.

James: I thought it said Lite Beer!

Bobby: Yeah! It’s Lite Beer because it’s four letters, a space, and then four letters.

Jason: Yeah, four space four!

Andy: Okay, okay. But there are all different kinds of letters.

Jason: You…you…

[The three are confused yet again.]

Bobby: But…

Jason: How the…

Andy: You know what guys, I’m gonna head out. I don’t really want to pledge this frat anymore.

[The three look annoyed.]

James: There’s only one way to get out of here in one piece. THE GAUNTLET!

Andy: What’s that?

Jason: You gotta answer like a bunch of questions that we have! [He points to his buddies.]

Andy: Okay, go ahead.

James: When the TV stops, where do the tiny people go and are they okay?

Bobby: Yeah, yeah. When thunder happens, who is mad at who?!

James: What’s an Obama?

Jason: What is it?

Andy: All right, that’s a lot of questions, you guys.

Jason: Aww, what’s the matter? Did we scare the little baby?

James: Yeah, you wanna go back to your stork?

Jason: Yeah, from earlier.

[James and Jason high five each other.] [Andy is smiling and shaking his head.]

Andy: Um…okay, okay. I’ll answer your questions. It might take a little while though.

James: Well, um, should we get on our knees?

Andy: Yes, that’d be great.

[Andy walks over to the couch and sits down as the three frat members kneel down in front of him.]

Andy: Okay, first off, the little TV people are just fine…

Jason, James and Bobby: Ah yeah!

[The outside of the frat house is shown again.] [Fade out.]

Submitted by: Matt W.

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