SNL Transcripts: James Franco: 12/19/09: Sigma Lambda Omega


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 10

09j: James Franco / Muse

Sigma Lambda Omega

James……James Franco
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Bobby…..Bobby Moynihan

[Intro: a shot of the outside of the Sigma Lambda Omega frat house. Written along the bottom of the screen is “Sigma Lambda Omega – 4:30 PM.”] [Cut to: inside the frat house, where a pledge is on his knees blindfolded and three frat members are yelling at him.]

Jason: On your knees pledge!

James: Take off that blindfold!

Bobby: Yeah, welcome to hell week!

Andy: Guys, I really gotta go study for a final.

Bobby: Sigmas don’t study, frosh!

Jason: Yeah! Now, what does this sweatshirt say?!

Andy: Sigma Lambda Omega!

[Bobby holds up a paddle.]

Bobby: And what does this paddle say?

Andy: Brotherhood is strength!

[James hands Andy a pamphlet.]

James: And what does this say?

Andy: Uh..this is some kind of menu.

James: Okay! [He hands Andy a piece of paper.] What about this?! What does this say?!

Jason: Read it!

Andy: Uh…this is a water bill.

Bobby: What does it say?!

Andy: Uh…it says you owe the company $42 and you already have 300.

Jason: Put those together!

Bobby: So it becomes one number!

[Andy looks confused]

Andy: You mean add them? It’s $342.

James: All right. Now do this one! [He hands Andy another piece of paper.]

Jason: Do it!

Bobby: What does it say?!

Andy: All right. Uh…it’s a letter from your mom. [Andy stands up.] It says “Dear, Travis. I’m starting to suspect you cannot read. Please come home.”

Jason, James, and Bobby: On your knees! Get on your knees!

Andy: So wait….what are your guys’ majors?

Bobby: Sigmas don’t have majors. The only class we take is “Kicking Ass 101.”

James: Yeah.

Jason: Yeah! Guess what you get to do ’cause you got such a smart mouth?! You gotta crawl over here and you gotta tie my shoe.

James: But, that’s not all! You can explain what you’re doing as you do it.

Jason: Yeah.

Bobby: Yeah! [Pointing to Jason’s shoe.] Explain how you do it!

Jason: Yeah, do it and explain it at the same time now!

[Andy shuffles over to Jason on his knees.]

Andy: Okay, okay. [He takes Jason’s shoelaces.] So I take this lace and cross it with this lace.

Jason: Yeah, slower freshman! And do it again!

Andy: Alright, so you take the left loop –

James: Left! Oh, so you need to know right and left stuff?

Andy: Oh wow…

Jason, James and Bobby: Get on your knees, pledge! On your knees!

Andy: I’m on my knees.

Jason: Good, ’cause it’s time for a pop quiz!

Bobby: Yeah, get it right [he smacks the paddle] or pay the price!

[All three get real close to Andy.]

James: A baby’s inside a mommy’s tummy –

Jason: That’s right.

James: – and then, all of a sudden, the baby’s at home. Explain that.

[Andy wipes away saliva from the right side of his cheek as the audience laughs.]

Andy: Well, uh, the mommy goes to the hospital and goes into labor, which means she’s dilated, okay?

[The three frat members look confused.]

Andy: You know, uh, a stork brings the baby to mommy.

Jason, James and Bobby: Yeah, yeah.

Bobby: I like that one!

James: Good answer.

Andy: Aww, it must be hard for you guys –

Bobby: [with fist clenched] The only thing that’s hard is this punch I can do.

Andy: Aww.

Jason, James and Bobby: On your knees! Get on your knees, pledge!

Jason: [grabbing a can] Yeah, you gotta chug this beer now!

[Jason gives the can to Andy.]

Andy: This is not a beer.

[The three frat members look confused.]

James: What does it say?

Andy: [looking at the can] Diet Coke.

James: I thought it said Lite Beer!

Bobby: Yeah! It’s Lite Beer because it’s four letters, a space, and then four letters.

Jason: Yeah, four space four!

Andy: Okay, okay. But there are all different kinds of letters.

Jason: You…you…

[The three are confused yet again.]

Bobby: But…

Jason: How the…

Andy: You know what guys, I’m gonna head out. I don’t really want to pledge this frat anymore.

[The three look annoyed.]

James: There’s only one way to get out of here in one piece. THE GAUNTLET!

Andy: What’s that?

Jason: You gotta answer like a bunch of questions that we have! [He points to his buddies.]

Andy: Okay, go ahead.

James: When the TV stops, where do the tiny people go and are they okay?

Bobby: Yeah, yeah. When thunder happens, who is mad at who?!

James: What’s an Obama?

Jason: What is it?

Andy: All right, that’s a lot of questions, you guys.

Jason: Aww, what’s the matter? Did we scare the little baby?

James: Yeah, you wanna go back to your stork?

Jason: Yeah, from earlier.

[James and Jason high five each other.] [Andy is smiling and shaking his head.]

Andy: Um…okay, okay. I’ll answer your questions. It might take a little while though.

James: Well, um, should we get on our knees?

Andy: Yes, that’d be great.

[Andy walks over to the couch and sits down as the three frat members kneel down in front of him.]

Andy: Okay, first off, the little TV people are just fine…

Jason, James and Bobby: Ah yeah!

[The outside of the frat house is shown again.] [Fade out.]

Submitted by: Matt W.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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