SNL Transcripts: Charles Barkley: 01/09/10: MacGruber

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys


MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Darrell…..Charles Barkley

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
He has a Black employee now!”

[CUT to MacGruber and Darrell in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a chemical weapons steamer. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Chemical Weapons Steamer.” CUT to a sign marked “Steamer Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Darrell: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is magnet shut! We’re trapped!!

Vicky: That’s not our ONLY problem, MacGruber! From the looks of that nitrogen bomb, we’ve only got 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Don’t worry, Vicky. Chill, Dar-rell. You’ll have plenty of time to relax — and to chill, Dar-rell — once we get out of here — once we scram, Dar-rell.

Darrell: It’s pronounced Darrell.

MacGruber: [ he chuckles heartily ] Oh, like a White Darrell?

Vicky: Ten seconds, MacGruber!

MacGyver: Okay! Uh — Vicky — hand me that Allen wrench!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Dar-rell!

Darrell: DARRELL!!

MacGruber: Funk me over that copper wire! Outta sight?

Darrell: [ he hands it over ] It’s Darrell.

MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! Hand me that stir stick!

Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Dar-rell!

Darrell: It’s DARRELL!!

MacGruber: Jab me over that fly shoelace! You dig?

Darrell: [ he hands it over ] MacGruber, I don’t know if this is working out…

MacGruber: That reminds me of a good joke. [ Vicky shakes her head No ] What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Black…?

Darrell: MacGruber…

MacGruber: Excuse me — a Black African-American. Mo’ better?

Darrell: Y-yeah. Mo’ better.

MacGruber: Okay. If you cross a Mexican with a Black African-American, and a Jew, and a woman… what do you get?

[ Darrell and Vicky are silent ]

MacGruber: I don’t know! But I sure don’t want that person to move in next door to m–

[CUT to the chemical weapons steamer exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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