SNL Transcripts: Charles Barkley: 01/09/10: MacGruber

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys


MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Darrell…..Charles Barkley

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
Getting in and out of ultra-sticky situations!
He has a Black employee now!”

[CUT to MacGruber and Darrell in a karate pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to a chemical weapons steamer. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Chemical Weapons Steamer.” CUT to a sign marked “Steamer Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Darrell: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door is magnet shut! We’re trapped!!

Vicky: That’s not our ONLY problem, MacGruber! From the looks of that nitrogen bomb, we’ve only got 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Don’t worry, Vicky. Chill, Dar-rell. You’ll have plenty of time to relax — and to chill, Dar-rell — once we get out of here — once we scram, Dar-rell.

Darrell: It’s pronounced Darrell.

MacGruber: [ he chuckles heartily ] Oh, like a White Darrell?

Vicky: Ten seconds, MacGruber!

MacGyver: Okay! Uh — Vicky — hand me that Allen wrench!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! Dar-rell!

Darrell: DARRELL!!

MacGruber: Funk me over that copper wire! Outta sight?

Darrell: [ he hands it over ] It’s Darrell.

MacGruber: Okay! Vicky! Hand me that stir stick!

Vicky: On the way, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Dar-rell!

Darrell: It’s DARRELL!!

MacGruber: Jab me over that fly shoelace! You dig?

Darrell: [ he hands it over ] MacGruber, I don’t know if this is working out…

MacGruber: That reminds me of a good joke. [ Vicky shakes her head No ] What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Black…?

Darrell: MacGruber…

MacGruber: Excuse me — a Black African-American. Mo’ better?

Darrell: Y-yeah. Mo’ better.

MacGruber: Okay. If you cross a Mexican with a Black African-American, and a Jew, and a woman… what do you get?

[ Darrell and Vicky are silent ]

MacGruber: I don’t know! But I sure don’t want that person to move in next door to m–

[CUT to the chemical weapons steamer exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

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