Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 11
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
His haemless little joke really got him into trouble!
He had to take some [bleep]ing class because of stupid corporate bull[bleep]!
He makes his jokes in private now!”
[CUT to MacGruber telling a private joke to Vicky as Darrell walks up, against footage of flames.]
[CUT to insurgent cave system. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Insurgent Cave System.” CUT to a sign marked “Cave Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Darrell: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door is welded shut!
Vicky: That’s not all, MacGruber! By the looks of this chemical bomb, we’ve got exactly 20 seconds!
MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, gang! And, when I say “gang”, I’m not insinuating that anyone here is a Crip or a Blood, or in any other Black gang. Or a White gang — Whites could have gangs, too. Right, Dar-rell?
Darrell: IT’S DARRELL!!!
MacGruber: Sho ’nuff! But, look — If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the sensitivity training classes that I was forced to go to… it’s that, regardless of the color of our skins, we can all… work… together!
Vicky: Ten seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay, uhh — Vicky! Hand me that screw!
Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay, Dar-rell — respectfully — hand me that pen.
Darrell: [ looking down ] Which pen?
MacGruber: That one! Right there!
[ reveal three pens — yellow, red, and black ]
Darrell: I can’t tell which one you’re pointing at! Be more specific!
MacGruber: That one! The — uh — uh — African-American pen!
MacGruber: I’m sorry! The — uh — Negro pen? [ Darrell frowns ] Uhhh — Begro-American pen?
Darrell: Just call it a BLACK pen!
MacGruber: Oh! So now it’s fly and rap to call it a Black pen? But, earlier, it was square?
Darrell: Here! Just take the pen! [ he forces the black pen over to MacGruber ]
MacGruber: [ panicking ] HE’S GOT A GUN!!!
[ MacGruber zaps Darrell with Mace ]
MacGruber: What?! He — he charged me! He’s obviously on PCP! I mean, look at his eyes, they’re all bloodshot!
Vicky: You MACED him!!
Darrell: You are SUCH a RACIST!!
MacGruber: I am NOT a racist!!
Vicky: Three seconds, MacGruber!!
MacGruber: Okay, okay! Vicky! Hand me that Chinese pen! Uh — uh — that Asian pen — the yellow pen! [ he pauses ] I’m a racist…
[CUT to the cave exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
[ fade ]