SNL Transcripts: Charles Barkley: 01/09/10: MacGruber II

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Darrell…..Charles Barkley

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

His haemless little joke really got him into trouble!
He had to take some [bleep]ing class because of stupid corporate bull[bleep]!
He makes his jokes in private now!”

[CUT to MacGruber telling a private joke to Vicky as Darrell walks up, against footage of flames.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to insurgent cave system. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Insurgent Cave System.” CUT to a sign marked “Cave Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Darrell: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door is welded shut!

Vicky: That’s not all, MacGruber! By the looks of this chemical bomb, we’ve got exactly 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, gang! And, when I say “gang”, I’m not insinuating that anyone here is a Crip or a Blood, or in any other Black gang. Or a White gang — Whites could have gangs, too. Right, Dar-rell?

Darrell: IT’S DARRELL!!!

MacGruber: Sho ’nuff! But, look — If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the sensitivity training classes that I was forced to go to… it’s that, regardless of the color of our skins, we can all… work… together!

Vicky: Ten seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, uhh — Vicky! Hand me that screw!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, Dar-rell — respectfully — hand me that pen.

Darrell: [ looking down ] Which pen?

MacGruber: That one! Right there!

[ reveal three pens — yellow, red, and black ]

Darrell: I can’t tell which one you’re pointing at! Be more specific!

MacGruber: That one! The — uh — uh — African-American pen!

Darrell: What?!

MacGruber: I’m sorry! The — uh — Negro pen? [ Darrell frowns ] Uhhh — Begro-American pen?

Darrell: Just call it a BLACK pen!

MacGruber: Oh! So now it’s fly and rap to call it a Black pen? But, earlier, it was square?

Darrell: Here! Just take the pen! [ he forces the black pen over to MacGruber ]

MacGruber: [ panicking ] HE’S GOT A GUN!!!

[ MacGruber zaps Darrell with Mace ]


MacGruber: What?! He — he charged me! He’s obviously on PCP! I mean, look at his eyes, they’re all bloodshot!

Vicky: You MACED him!!

Darrell: You are SUCH a RACIST!!

MacGruber: I am NOT a racist!!

Vicky: Three seconds, MacGruber!!

MacGruber: Okay, okay! Vicky! Hand me that Chinese pen! Uh — uh — that Asian pen — the yellow pen! [ he pauses ] I’m a racist…

[CUT to the cave exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

One thought on “SNL Transcripts: Charles Barkley: 01/09/10: MacGruber II”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *