Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 11
09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys
MacGruber III
MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Darrell…..Charles Barkley
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers:
“MacGruber!
He took a couple months off and did a lot of soul-searching!
MacGruber!
He spent some time in Africa and learned about their culture!
MacGruber!
He’s Facebook friends with Spike Lee!”
[CUT to MacGyver signing Spike Lee’s Facebook page.]
Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”
[CUT to heroin czar headquarters. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Heroin Czar Headquarters.” CUT to a sign marked “Heroin Czar Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Darrell: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door won’t budge!
Vicky: There’s MORE, MacGruber! That ticking time bomb is set to blow in twenty seconds!!
[ reveal MacGruver dressed in an African dashiki ]
MacGruber: Okay, look — before we start here, I’ve got something I want to say. [ Darrell looks on ] THe road towards enlightment takes many turns. Unfortunately, mine took me straight to you, Dar-rell.
Darrell: That’s Darrell.
MacGruber: And it is with GREAT pleasure… that I announce that, in two Mondays, for the FIRST time ever, we will be taking the day off to celebrate the life of a man I consider to be my PERSONAL hero — Dr. Martin Rufus King.
Darrell: That’s Luther.
MacGruber: D’oh! Right! Luther! You’re Rufus.
Darrell: I’m Darrell.
MacGruber: Whatever. Look —
Vicky: Fifteen seconds.
MacGruber: I know I have a ways to go, Dar-rell… but I’m headed in the right direction. So, put ‘er there!
[ MacGruber extends his hand; Darrell looks on, unsure; Vicky smiles ]
[ unfortunately, Darrell goes for it ]
MacGruber: [ panicking ] Agghh!! HE’S GOT A GUN!!
[ MacGruber zaps Darrell with Mace once again ]
[CUT to the heroin czar headquarters exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[ fade ]
