SNL Transcripts: Charles Barkley: 01/09/10: MacGruber III

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Darrell…..Charles Barkley

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

He took a couple months off and did a lot of soul-searching!
He spent some time in Africa and learned about their culture!
He’s Facebook friends with Spike Lee!”

[CUT to MacGyver signing Spike Lee’s Facebook page.]

Singers: “MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!”

[CUT to heroin czar headquarters. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Heroin Czar Headquarters.” CUT to a sign marked “Heroin Czar Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Darrell: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber, this door won’t budge!

Vicky: There’s MORE, MacGruber! That ticking time bomb is set to blow in twenty seconds!!

[ reveal MacGruver dressed in an African dashiki ]

MacGruber: Okay, look — before we start here, I’ve got something I want to say. [ Darrell looks on ] THe road towards enlightment takes many turns. Unfortunately, mine took me straight to you, Dar-rell.

Darrell: That’s Darrell.

MacGruber: And it is with GREAT pleasure… that I announce that, in two Mondays, for the FIRST time ever, we will be taking the day off to celebrate the life of a man I consider to be my PERSONAL hero — Dr. Martin Rufus King.

Darrell: That’s Luther.

MacGruber: D’oh! Right! Luther! You’re Rufus.

Darrell: I’m Darrell.

MacGruber: Whatever. Look —

Vicky: Fifteen seconds.

MacGruber: I know I have a ways to go, Dar-rell… but I’m headed in the right direction. So, put ‘er there!

[ MacGruber extends his hand; Darrell looks on, unsure; Vicky smiles ] [ unfortunately, Darrell goes for it ]

MacGruber: [ panicking ] Agghh!! HE’S GOT A GUN!!

[ MacGruber zaps Darrell with Mace once again ] [CUT to the heroin czar headquarters exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]

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