Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 11
Charles Barkley’s Monologue
Male Audience Member #1…..John Lutz
Female Audience Member…..Jessi Klein
Male Audience Member #2…..Hannibal Buress
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charles Barkley!
Charles Barkley: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hey — it’s great to be hosting “SNL” again. I hosted sixteen years ago. Back then, I was in great shape, I was coming off a MVP season with the Phoenix Suns… Now, I play bad golf, drink, and sometimes I get arrested.
Hey, we’re starting a little late because of the football game. Now, I’m not mad. I’m actually in a better mood — I just won twenty grand on the game. Sorry, pal!
Nice job, Cowboys!
But I’m real happy to be here tonight, because, quite frankly, they don’t have too many Black hosts on “Saturday Night Live”. Mostly, they have White hosts — and I checked. In the past year, they’ve had ONE. Two, if you count The Rock — but he’s not Black, he’s Samoan. So that’s ONE out of thirty-two. That’s the same ratio of Black people to White people that went to see “It’s Complicated”.
Hey — I’m just trying to be honest. That’s why people love me: I’m outspoken, I say what’s on my mind — even if people don’t like it. I’ll give you an example. Let’s just take this guy:
He’s got the ugliest shirt I’ve EVER seen! [ the man scoffs with a smile ] But, you know what? He came to the show anyway!
And, look at this lady right here. Stand up, darling.[ the woman in the audience stands ]
Look at you — you’re pretty, in a kind of Jewish way.
Woman in Audience: Thanks!
Charles Barkley: You look like a nice girl, but you’re a freak, aren’t you?
Woman in Audience: No.
Charles Barkley: Come on! You’re a freak! I’ve been in NBA a long time — I know a freaky White girl when I see one.[ she sits ]
Charles Barkley: Look up there. Hey! What’s your name, my brother?
Man in Audience #2: [ he stands ] Michael.
Charles Barkley: How does it feel to be the only other brother in the room, with 500 people?
Man in Audience #2: Uh — it’s okay, I guess…
Charles Barkley: Look at us: A handsome Hall of Fame millionaire, and a Black nerd!
Charles Barkley: There’s nothing sadder than a Black nerd. What’s your name?
Man in Audience #2: Michael.
Charles Barkley: Look more like an Urkel. Hey — where in the Hell is Kenan Thompson at?[ Kenan ambles forward ]
Kenan Thompson: Heey, you’re looking for me?
Charles Barkley: Yeah. DO it!
Kenan Thompson: Do… what?
Charles Barkley: Do ME!! I’ve been WATCHING! Do ME!!
Kenan Thompson: [ petrified ] You’re Charles Barkley… [ he clears his throat and begins ] “Hey — can somebody give me some Krispy Kremes? I wanna share them with my Black, nerdy friend!”[ the audience cheers ]
Charles Barkley: Hey! That’s funny!
Kenan Thompson: [ stoked ] That WAS funny, wasn’t it? [ he reaches out to Barkley for a high-five ]
Charles Barkley: Uh, no, no — it’s not that funny.[ Kenan makes his exit ]
Charles Barkley: Hey — we’ve got a great show tonight. Some of it is great. Actually, some of it we’re gonna do anyway. But Alicia Keys is here, and she’s DEFINITELY great. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.