SNL Transcripts: Charles Barkley: 01/09/10: Thomas Peepers Insurance


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

Thomas Peepers Insurance

Insurance Representative…..Bill Hader
Dad…..Jason Sudeikis
Mom…..Kristen Wiig
Daughters…..Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad

[ open on old film footage of a young couple holding their newborn baby beneath the Christmas tree ]

Insurance Representative V/O: We’re there for the beginnings…

[ cut to old film footage of a young child’s birthday ]

Insurance Representative V/O: We’re there when your cake is frosted, and when the face is frosted.

[ cut to more recent film footage of two sisters before their high school graduation ]

Insurance Representative V/O: We’re an insurance company that’s there for all the special days.

[ cut to more recent footage of the two sisters sprawled in bed reading a magazine together ]

Insurance Representative V/O: And for all the nights in between.

[ pull back to reveal an insurance representative peeking through the window, as he turns to address the camera ]

Insurance Representative: We’re Thomas Peepers Insurance. And we know that you’re okay, because we’re watching you. If you need us, we’ll be there for you — even in the middle of the night. [ he peeks back inside the girls’ bedroom ] Especially in the middle of the night. How does an insurance com–

[ suddenly, a floodlight fills the exterior, and a dog begins to bark. The insurance representative makes a run for it, cursing ] [ the girls look up from their bedroom ] [ the insurance company manages to evade the dog and stops along the back porch to continue his pitch for the camera ]

Insurance Representative: How does an insurance company like Thomas Peepers work? We get that a lot. Unlike other insurance companies, there’s no premiums. YOU pay NOTHING! But WE’RE still THERE!

[ reveal young couple kissing, as the insurance representative looks on from behind the window ]

Insurance Representative V/O: — for that first kiss —

[ reveal Thomas looking through the window on a ladder as the teenaged girl steps out of the shower ]

Insurance Representative V/O: — when you’re getting in the shower —

[ the insurance representative raises an eyebrow ] [ cut to Mom unclogging the kitchen drain ]

Insurance Representative V/O: — when you’re unclogging that especially clogged drain.

[ return to insurance representative standing at the back of the house ]

Insurance Representative: We’re Thomas Peepers Insurance. And we’re keeping an eye… on you.

[ a police siren flashes ] [ the insurance representative makes another run for it across the lawn, in the path of a vicious dog ]

Insurance Representative: Dammit!

[ title slide ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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