Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 11
Thomas Peepers Insurance
Insurance Representative…..Bill Hader
Daughters…..Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad
Insurance Representative V/O: We’re there for the beginnings…[ cut to old film footage of a young child’s birthday ]
Insurance Representative V/O: We’re there when your cake is frosted, and when the face is frosted.[ cut to more recent film footage of two sisters before their high school graduation ]
Insurance Representative V/O: We’re an insurance company that’s there for all the special days.
Insurance Representative V/O: And for all the nights in between.[ pull back to reveal an insurance representative peeking through the window, as he turns to address the camera ]
Insurance Representative: We’re Thomas Peepers Insurance. And we know that you’re okay, because we’re watching you. If you need us, we’ll be there for you — even in the middle of the night. [ he peeks back inside the girls’ bedroom ] Especially in the middle of the night. How does an insurance com–[ suddenly, a floodlight fills the exterior, and a dog begins to bark. The insurance representative makes a run for it, cursing ] [ the girls look up from their bedroom ] [ the insurance company manages to evade the dog and stops along the back porch to continue his pitch for the camera ]
Insurance Representative: How does an insurance company like Thomas Peepers work? We get that a lot. Unlike other insurance companies, there’s no premiums. YOU pay NOTHING! But WE’RE still THERE!
Insurance Representative V/O: — for that first kiss —[ reveal Thomas looking through the window on a ladder as the teenaged girl steps out of the shower ]
Insurance Representative V/O: — when you’re getting in the shower —[ the insurance representative raises an eyebrow ] [ cut to Mom unclogging the kitchen drain ]
Insurance Representative V/O: — when you’re unclogging that especially clogged drain.
Insurance Representative: We’re Thomas Peepers Insurance. And we’re keeping an eye… on you.[ a police siren flashes ] [ the insurance representative makes another run for it across the lawn, in the path of a vicious dog ]
Insurance Representative: Dammit![ title slide ] [ fade ]