Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 11
Reg Barnaby…..Bill Hader
Sam Jefferson…..Charles Barkley
Rebecca Lumpin…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on game show set, with title card superimposed on screen ]
Announcer: It’s time for “Reel Quotes”!
Reg Barnaby: Alright, welcome to “Reel Quotes”, the game show that tests your knowledge of famous lines of movie dialogue. I’m your host, Reg Barnaby. Let’s meet our contestants. He manages a Blockbuster in Baltimore, Maryland — Sam Jefferson!
Sam Jefferson: It’s good to be here! [ he waves to the cheering audience ]
Reg Barnaby: So, you manage a Blockbuster? I bet that’s gonna come in handy.
Sam Jefferson: If you say so, Reg.
Reg Barnaby: [ chuckling ] And, from Tacoma, Washington — she’s a schoolteacher — Rebecca Lumpin!
Rebecca Lumpin: It’s so great to be somewhere, Reg!
Reg Barnaby: [ mulling that over ] O-kay. Well, let’s play the game “Reel Quotes”. I will read the beginning of a famous movie quote. First one to buzz in and complete it, wins the points. First quote. From the film “Cool Hand Luke”: “What we have here, is a failure to…?”[ Sam buzzes in ]
Reg Barnaby: Sam!
Sam Jefferson: “Launch!”
Reg Barnaby: Incorrect.
Sam Jefferson: But that’s a movie!
Reg Barnaby: Well, “Failure to Launch” is a movie, but it does not complete the quote.
Sam Jefferson: Seems like a grey area, Reg.
Reg Barnaby: Well, it’s… it’s not. Rebecca! “What we have here, is a failure to…?”[ Rebecca buzzes in ]
Rebecca Lumpin: “A failure to get along. But that doesn’t mean we won’t see eye to eye. one of these days, so let’s not burn any bridges, and just agree to disagree. I bid you adieu, God free!”
Reg Barnaby: [ momentarily speechless ] That’s incorrect. The right answer was “a failure to communicate.
Rebecca Lumpin: Oh, right! From “Spartacus”.
Reg Barnaby: No. No, no. From “Cool Hand…”[ Sam buzzes in ]
Sam Jefferson: “Luke!”
Reg Barnaby: That wasn’t one of our questions.
Sam Jefferson: [ beaten ] Again, Reg… that’s a grey area.
Reg Barnaby: The next famous line is from the film “A Few Good Men”. It was famously delivered by Jack Nicholson, and the line is: “You can’t handle…?”[ Sam buzzes in ]
Sam Jefferson: “My privates!”[ wrong answer buzzer ]
Reg Barnaby: Incorrect.
Sam Jefferson: Be that as it may — you cannot handle them, so keep your hands to yourself!
Reg Barnaby: No one was asking!
Sam Jefferson: You can never be too safe, Reg.
Reg Barnaby: Rebecca? “You can’t handle…?”[ Rebecca buzzes in ]
Rebecca Lumpin: “You can’t handle your licquor… and, if you don’t leave me and my girlfriends alone, I’m gonna have a word with the management, Buster Brown!”[ wrong answer buzzer ]
Reg Barnaby: [ he sighs ] Incorrect. You thought that was a famous line from the military courtroom drama “A Few Good Men”?
Rebecca Lumpin: Yes, I did. And I still do.
Reg Barnaby: I was looking for “the truth.”
Sam Jefferson: I TOLD you the truth! “You can’t handle my privates!”
Reg Barnaby: Okay! Alright, very funny. Very good, very good. Alright. Next up: The 1975 film, “Jaws”. Upno seeing the shark for the first time, Roy Scheider uttered the unforgettable line: “We’re gonna need a bigger…?”[ Sam buzzes in ]
Sam Jefferson: “Shark!”[ wrong answer buzzer ]
Reg Barnaby: No! You see, he saw the shark. It was so big, he thought they were gonna need a bigger…?[ Sam buzzes in ]
Sam Jefferson: “Shark bag!”[ wrong answer buzzer ]
Reg Barnaby: [ disgusted ] Think “water”.[ Sam buzzes in ]
Sam Jefferson: “Ocean!”[ wrong answer buzzer ]
Reg Barnaby: “We’re gonna need a bigger ocean“?
Sam Jefferson: Yeah! If you get a bigger ocean, it’s gonna make the shark seem smaller. THen, the joke would be on the shark!
Reg Barnaby: No! Rebecca. “We’re gonna need a bigger…?”[ Rebecca buzzes in ]
Rebecca Lumpin: “We’re gonna need a bigger house… if we intend to start a family, and intend to start a family, we do! With three girls, three boys, and an adoptive child of sex yet to be determined. Oh, no! All this talk about family made me forget to return my library books!”[ wrong answer buzzer ]
Reg Barnaby: [ fuming ] I was looking for “boat”.
Sam Jefferson: Then, YOU should go to a marina!
Reg Barnaby: I’M not looking for a boat!
Sam Jefferson: Reg, you gotta stop talking in riddles.
Reg Barnaby: The quote was “We’re gonna need a bigger boat”, because the shark was so big, that the original boat wasn’t big e-nough!
Sam Jefferson: Hey, that sounds like a good movie! I’m gonna have to see that one one day!
Reg Barnaby: You manage a Blockbuster, and you haven’t seen “Jaws”?
Sam Jefferson: No! I manage Block Busters. We’re a demolition company that specializes in restoring entire city blocks.[ Reg starts breathing heavily ]
Reg Barnaby: In the 1989 film “Field of Dreams”, Kevin Costner utters the line: “If you build it…?”[ Sam buzzes in ]
Sam Jefferson: “We will knock it down!”[ wrong answer buzzer ]
Reg Barnaby: What?
Sam Jefferson: That’s the slogan for “Block Busters”! “If You Build It, We Will Knock It Down”! Look. [ he turns around to reveal the slogan on his back ]
Reg Barnaby: Very good. [ a siren goes off ] Alright, that noise means it’s the end of the round. You each have… zero points. But Sam advances because it seems he has a slightly better sense of what QUOTES are. Sorry, Rebecca.
Rebecca Lumpin: [ pleasantly ] Sorry for what?
Reg Barnaby: [ he whistles ] Come on down, Sam. Come on. [ Sam steps over ] Alright. Okay, it’s time for the Speed Round. Completely as many quotes as possible as fast as you can. And, here we go. “Houston, we have a…?”
Sam Jefferson: “Arby’s”!
Reg Barnaby: No! “I see [blank] people.”
Sam Jefferson: “TWO people! You and Rebecca!”
Reg Barnaby: NO! “Life is like a box of…?”
Sam Jefferson: “Dead people!”
Reg Barnaby: “May the force be…?”
Sam Jefferson: “Equal to Mass times Acceleration!”
Reg Barnaby: How do you know that?
Sam Jefferson: I’m not a dummy, I just haven’t seen a lot of movies.
Reg Barnaby: Then, why’d you come on a show called “Reel Quotes”?
Sam Jefferson: I actually thought it was about fishing.
Reg Barnaby: Fishing quotes?
Sam Jefferson: Yeah! Like “We’re gonna need a bigger boat”?
Reg Barnaby: Alright, that’s it — we’re done! [ he attempts to tear his cards in half, but is unsuccessful ] Alright, let’s just stand here and wait for the buzzer. [ the buzzer sounds ] Alright! And that’s all the time we have on “Reel Quotes”. Until next time, “Here’s looking at you, kid!”
Sam Jefferson: You shouldn’t be looking at kids, Reg…
Reg Barnaby: That is a quote from a movie! That is a quote from a movie![ fade ]