SNL Transcripts: Charles Barkley: 01/09/10: Reel Quotes



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11










09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

Reel Quotes

Reg Barnaby…..Bill Hader
Sam Jefferson…..Charles Barkley
Rebecca Lumpin…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on game show set, with title card superimposed on screen ]

Announcer: It’s time for “Reel Quotes”!

Reg Barnaby: Alright, welcome to “Reel Quotes”, the game show that tests your knowledge of famous lines of movie dialogue. I’m your host, Reg Barnaby. Let’s meet our contestants. He manages a Blockbuster in Baltimore, Maryland — Sam Jefferson!

Sam Jefferson: It’s good to be here! [ he waves to the cheering audience ]

Reg Barnaby: So, you manage a Blockbuster? I bet that’s gonna come in handy.

Sam Jefferson: If you say so, Reg.

Reg Barnaby: [ chuckling ] And, from Tacoma, Washington — she’s a schoolteacher — Rebecca Lumpin!

Rebecca Lumpin: It’s so great to be somewhere, Reg!

Reg Barnaby: [ mulling that over ] O-kay. Well, let’s play the game “Reel Quotes”. I will read the beginning of a famous movie quote. First one to buzz in and complete it, wins the points. First quote. From the film “Cool Hand Luke”: “What we have here, is a failure to…?”

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Reg Barnaby: Sam!

Sam Jefferson: “Launch!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: Incorrect.

Sam Jefferson: But that’s a movie!

Reg Barnaby: Well, “Failure to Launch” is a movie, but it does not complete the quote.

Sam Jefferson: Seems like a grey area, Reg.

Reg Barnaby: Well, it’s… it’s not. Rebecca! “What we have here, is a failure to…?”

[ Rebecca buzzes in ]

Rebecca Lumpin: “A failure to get along. But that doesn’t mean we won’t see eye to eye. one of these days, so let’s not burn any bridges, and just agree to disagree. I bid you adieu, God free!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: [ momentarily speechless ] That’s incorrect. The right answer was “a failure to communicate.

Rebecca Lumpin: Oh, right! From “Spartacus”.

Reg Barnaby: No. No, no. From “Cool Hand…”

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “Luke!”

Reg Barnaby: That wasn’t one of our questions.

Sam Jefferson: [ beaten ] Again, Reg… that’s a grey area.

Reg Barnaby: The next famous line is from the film “A Few Good Men”. It was famously delivered by Jack Nicholson, and the line is: “You can’t handle…?”

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “My privates!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: Incorrect.

Sam Jefferson: Be that as it may — you cannot handle them, so keep your hands to yourself!

Reg Barnaby: No one was asking!

Sam Jefferson: You can never be too safe, Reg.

Reg Barnaby: Rebecca? “You can’t handle…?”

[ Rebecca buzzes in ]

Rebecca Lumpin: “You can’t handle your licquor… and, if you don’t leave me and my girlfriends alone, I’m gonna have a word with the management, Buster Brown!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: [ he sighs ] Incorrect. You thought that was a famous line from the military courtroom drama “A Few Good Men”?

Rebecca Lumpin: Yes, I did. And I still do.

Reg Barnaby: I was looking for “the truth.”

Sam Jefferson: I TOLD you the truth! “You can’t handle my privates!”

Reg Barnaby: Okay! Alright, very funny. Very good, very good. Alright. Next up: The 1975 film, “Jaws”. Upno seeing the shark for the first time, Roy Scheider uttered the unforgettable line: “We’re gonna need a bigger…?”

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “Shark!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: No! You see, he saw the shark. It was so big, he thought they were gonna need a bigger…?

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “Shark bag!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: [ disgusted ] Think “water”.

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “Ocean!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: “We’re gonna need a bigger ocean“?

Sam Jefferson: Yeah! If you get a bigger ocean, it’s gonna make the shark seem smaller. THen, the joke would be on the shark!

Reg Barnaby: No! Rebecca. “We’re gonna need a bigger…?”

[ Rebecca buzzes in ]

Rebecca Lumpin: “We’re gonna need a bigger house… if we intend to start a family, and intend to start a family, we do! With three girls, three boys, and an adoptive child of sex yet to be determined. Oh, no! All this talk about family made me forget to return my library books!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: [ fuming ] I was looking for “boat”.

Sam Jefferson: Then, YOU should go to a marina!

Reg Barnaby: I’M not looking for a boat!

Sam Jefferson: Reg, you gotta stop talking in riddles.

Reg Barnaby: The quote was “We’re gonna need a bigger boat”, because the shark was so big, that the original boat wasn’t big e-nough!

Sam Jefferson: Hey, that sounds like a good movie! I’m gonna have to see that one one day!

Reg Barnaby: You manage a Blockbuster, and you haven’t seen “Jaws”?

Sam Jefferson: No! I manage Block Busters. We’re a demolition company that specializes in restoring entire city blocks.

[ Reg starts breathing heavily ]

Reg Barnaby: In the 1989 film “Field of Dreams”, Kevin Costner utters the line: “If you build it…?”

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “We will knock it down!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: What?

Sam Jefferson: That’s the slogan for “Block Busters”! “If You Build It, We Will Knock It Down”! Look. [ he turns around to reveal the slogan on his back ]

Reg Barnaby: Very good. [ a siren goes off ] Alright, that noise means it’s the end of the round. You each have… zero points. But Sam advances because it seems he has a slightly better sense of what QUOTES are. Sorry, Rebecca.

Rebecca Lumpin: [ pleasantly ] Sorry for what?

Reg Barnaby: [ he whistles ] Come on down, Sam. Come on. [ Sam steps over ] Alright. Okay, it’s time for the Speed Round. Completely as many quotes as possible as fast as you can. And, here we go. “Houston, we have a…?”

Sam Jefferson: “Arby’s”!

Reg Barnaby: No! “I see [blank] people.”

Sam Jefferson: “TWO people! You and Rebecca!”

Reg Barnaby: NO! “Life is like a box of…?”

Sam Jefferson: “Dead people!”

Reg Barnaby: “May the force be…?”

Sam Jefferson: “Equal to Mass times Acceleration!”

Reg Barnaby: How do you know that?

Sam Jefferson: I’m not a dummy, I just haven’t seen a lot of movies.

Reg Barnaby: Then, why’d you come on a show called “Reel Quotes”?

Sam Jefferson: I actually thought it was about fishing.

Reg Barnaby: Fishing quotes?

Sam Jefferson: Yeah! Like “We’re gonna need a bigger boat”?

Reg Barnaby: Alright, that’s it — we’re done! [ he attempts to tear his cards in half, but is unsuccessful ] Alright, let’s just stand here and wait for the buzzer. [ the buzzer sounds ] Alright! And that’s all the time we have on “Reel Quotes”. Until next time, “Here’s looking at you, kid!”

Sam Jefferson: You shouldn’t be looking at kids, Reg…

Reg Barnaby: That is a quote from a movie! That is a quote from a movie!

[ fade ]

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