SNL Transcripts: Charles Barkley: 01/09/10: Reel Quotes


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

Reel Quotes

Reg Barnaby…..Bill Hader
Sam Jefferson…..Charles Barkley
Rebecca Lumpin…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on game show set, with title card superimposed on screen ]

Announcer: It’s time for “Reel Quotes”!

Reg Barnaby: Alright, welcome to “Reel Quotes”, the game show that tests your knowledge of famous lines of movie dialogue. I’m your host, Reg Barnaby. Let’s meet our contestants. He manages a Blockbuster in Baltimore, Maryland — Sam Jefferson!

Sam Jefferson: It’s good to be here! [ he waves to the cheering audience ]

Reg Barnaby: So, you manage a Blockbuster? I bet that’s gonna come in handy.

Sam Jefferson: If you say so, Reg.

Reg Barnaby: [ chuckling ] And, from Tacoma, Washington — she’s a schoolteacher — Rebecca Lumpin!

Rebecca Lumpin: It’s so great to be somewhere, Reg!

Reg Barnaby: [ mulling that over ] O-kay. Well, let’s play the game “Reel Quotes”. I will read the beginning of a famous movie quote. First one to buzz in and complete it, wins the points. First quote. From the film “Cool Hand Luke”: “What we have here, is a failure to…?”

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Reg Barnaby: Sam!

Sam Jefferson: “Launch!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: Incorrect.

Sam Jefferson: But that’s a movie!

Reg Barnaby: Well, “Failure to Launch” is a movie, but it does not complete the quote.

Sam Jefferson: Seems like a grey area, Reg.

Reg Barnaby: Well, it’s… it’s not. Rebecca! “What we have here, is a failure to…?”

[ Rebecca buzzes in ]

Rebecca Lumpin: “A failure to get along. But that doesn’t mean we won’t see eye to eye. one of these days, so let’s not burn any bridges, and just agree to disagree. I bid you adieu, God free!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: [ momentarily speechless ] That’s incorrect. The right answer was “a failure to communicate.

Rebecca Lumpin: Oh, right! From “Spartacus”.

Reg Barnaby: No. No, no. From “Cool Hand…”

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “Luke!”

Reg Barnaby: That wasn’t one of our questions.

Sam Jefferson: [ beaten ] Again, Reg… that’s a grey area.

Reg Barnaby: The next famous line is from the film “A Few Good Men”. It was famously delivered by Jack Nicholson, and the line is: “You can’t handle…?”

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “My privates!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: Incorrect.

Sam Jefferson: Be that as it may — you cannot handle them, so keep your hands to yourself!

Reg Barnaby: No one was asking!

Sam Jefferson: You can never be too safe, Reg.

Reg Barnaby: Rebecca? “You can’t handle…?”

[ Rebecca buzzes in ]

Rebecca Lumpin: “You can’t handle your licquor… and, if you don’t leave me and my girlfriends alone, I’m gonna have a word with the management, Buster Brown!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: [ he sighs ] Incorrect. You thought that was a famous line from the military courtroom drama “A Few Good Men”?

Rebecca Lumpin: Yes, I did. And I still do.

Reg Barnaby: I was looking for “the truth.”

Sam Jefferson: I TOLD you the truth! “You can’t handle my privates!”

Reg Barnaby: Okay! Alright, very funny. Very good, very good. Alright. Next up: The 1975 film, “Jaws”. Upno seeing the shark for the first time, Roy Scheider uttered the unforgettable line: “We’re gonna need a bigger…?”

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “Shark!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: No! You see, he saw the shark. It was so big, he thought they were gonna need a bigger…?

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “Shark bag!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: [ disgusted ] Think “water”.

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “Ocean!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: “We’re gonna need a bigger ocean“?

Sam Jefferson: Yeah! If you get a bigger ocean, it’s gonna make the shark seem smaller. THen, the joke would be on the shark!

Reg Barnaby: No! Rebecca. “We’re gonna need a bigger…?”

[ Rebecca buzzes in ]

Rebecca Lumpin: “We’re gonna need a bigger house… if we intend to start a family, and intend to start a family, we do! With three girls, three boys, and an adoptive child of sex yet to be determined. Oh, no! All this talk about family made me forget to return my library books!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: [ fuming ] I was looking for “boat”.

Sam Jefferson: Then, YOU should go to a marina!

Reg Barnaby: I’M not looking for a boat!

Sam Jefferson: Reg, you gotta stop talking in riddles.

Reg Barnaby: The quote was “We’re gonna need a bigger boat”, because the shark was so big, that the original boat wasn’t big e-nough!

Sam Jefferson: Hey, that sounds like a good movie! I’m gonna have to see that one one day!

Reg Barnaby: You manage a Blockbuster, and you haven’t seen “Jaws”?

Sam Jefferson: No! I manage Block Busters. We’re a demolition company that specializes in restoring entire city blocks.

[ Reg starts breathing heavily ]

Reg Barnaby: In the 1989 film “Field of Dreams”, Kevin Costner utters the line: “If you build it…?”

[ Sam buzzes in ]

Sam Jefferson: “We will knock it down!”

[ wrong answer buzzer ]

Reg Barnaby: What?

Sam Jefferson: That’s the slogan for “Block Busters”! “If You Build It, We Will Knock It Down”! Look. [ he turns around to reveal the slogan on his back ]

Reg Barnaby: Very good. [ a siren goes off ] Alright, that noise means it’s the end of the round. You each have… zero points. But Sam advances because it seems he has a slightly better sense of what QUOTES are. Sorry, Rebecca.

Rebecca Lumpin: [ pleasantly ] Sorry for what?

Reg Barnaby: [ he whistles ] Come on down, Sam. Come on. [ Sam steps over ] Alright. Okay, it’s time for the Speed Round. Completely as many quotes as possible as fast as you can. And, here we go. “Houston, we have a…?”

Sam Jefferson: “Arby’s”!

Reg Barnaby: No! “I see [blank] people.”

Sam Jefferson: “TWO people! You and Rebecca!”

Reg Barnaby: NO! “Life is like a box of…?”

Sam Jefferson: “Dead people!”

Reg Barnaby: “May the force be…?”

Sam Jefferson: “Equal to Mass times Acceleration!”

Reg Barnaby: How do you know that?

Sam Jefferson: I’m not a dummy, I just haven’t seen a lot of movies.

Reg Barnaby: Then, why’d you come on a show called “Reel Quotes”?

Sam Jefferson: I actually thought it was about fishing.

Reg Barnaby: Fishing quotes?

Sam Jefferson: Yeah! Like “We’re gonna need a bigger boat”?

Reg Barnaby: Alright, that’s it — we’re done! [ he attempts to tear his cards in half, but is unsuccessful ] Alright, let’s just stand here and wait for the buzzer. [ the buzzer sounds ] Alright! And that’s all the time we have on “Reel Quotes”. Until next time, “Here’s looking at you, kid!”

Sam Jefferson: You shouldn’t be looking at kids, Reg…

Reg Barnaby: That is a quote from a movie! That is a quote from a movie!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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