SNL Transcripts: Charles Barkley: 01/09/10: Shana


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys


Shana….Kristen Wiig
Mr. Jergs….Charles Barkley
Gretchen….Jenny Slate
Kid 1….Kenan Thompson
Kid 2….Will Forte
Kid 3….Andy Samberg

[Opens with a top view of a ski lodge, snow all around. Cut to inside a cabin. Three guys sit and drink in a couch. Gretchen, the only girl in the room is there]

Kid 3: Man, this is the best retreat yet. I can’t believe Mr. Jergs took us all skiing.

Kid 1: Yes. And to have this private party for us in the lodge? Man, he went all out.

Kid 2: Hey Gretchen. Where is that sassy girl Shana?

Gretchen: Ugh, is that all you guys ever talk about? Shana?

Kid 3: I saw her from behind on the bunny slopes today. I tell you, it was a sight to see.

Kid 1: I hope she’s coming to this thing.

Kid 2: Me too. If you know what I mean.

Kid 1: I do know what you mean!

Kid 3: I know what you mean as well.

Gretchen:[fed up] God! She’ll be here!

[Mr. Jergs enters the room]

Mr. Jergs: Hey guys. How is everybody doing?

Gretchen: Look Mr. Jergs. [a tray] I made your favorite. Chocolate covered strawberries from scratch.

Mr. Jergs: Oh, thanks. Where’s Shana?

Gretchen: She’s coming.

Mr. Jergs: Terrific. Wonderful.

[Sexy hard body Shana enters the room, the kids all get up]

Shana: [sexy voice] Hey, everyone. I’m sorry I’m late for this little get-together.

Mr. Jergs: Shana. I am so happy to see you.

Shana: By the way Mr. Jergs, that looks like a very cozy, cushy, mushy sweater.

Mr. Jergs: It is cozy. I mean, cushy, soft, whatever. Thick, you just got me all flustered.

[Gretchen has a sourpuss face]

Kid 1: That is one hot piece of fruit.

Kid 2: She is fantastic.

Kid 3: Damn right, double sexy y’all.

Shana: Is it warm in here? Or is it because I’m wearing a jacket inside?

Gretchen: It is because you’re wearing a jacket inside.

Shana: Oh, then guess I better take it off. [pulls zipper down playfully and takes jacket off in a sexy manner] Ooooohhh.

Mr. Jergs: Hubba-hubba.

Kid 1: I want her to do that again.

Kid 2: I wish she had a second jacket under that jacket that she could take off for us.

Kid 3: Me too as well.

Gretchen: You know, why don’t one of you go fix the fire? It looks like its about to go out.

Shana: Ooohh wee, I’m jealous. I want to do it. Its so funny how you don’t want fire in your house but when its in your fireplace its ok.

[Gretchen hard looks, kids horny looks]

Mr. Jergs: That is true. Well, go fix it if you want to.

Shana: Can I? Oooohhh, ooohhh, ooohhh, ooohhh,. Sorry, guess I got a little excited there. Ok. Here I go.

Kid 1: Oh, this is gonna be good.

[Shana blows on the fire like a monkey, legs bending and grunts while she does it]

Kid 1: [turned off] Man, that was not what I thought it was gonna be.

Kid 2: No, it was not.

Kid 3: That was not sexy.

Mr. Jergs: You guys wouldn’t know sexy if it sat on your face and say “where’s my butt”?

Shana:[sexy voice] Oooohhh, hot chocolate. Well, there’s too much whipped cream to take a sip.

Kid 1: [excited] Lick it off. You can just lick it off.

Kid 2: Lick it off.

Shana: I better suck a little off the top.

Mr. Jergs: Oh, that’s it.

[Shana takes the hot chocolate and slurps disgustingly, gags, clears throat, sips loud, spits it back in the cup]

Shana: Oh, I did it.

Mr. Jergs: Yes, you did.

Kid 1: [disturbed] Did she now?

Gretchen: My strawberries are being passed around if anyone wants them. [Gretchen passes the tray of strawberries, the kids pay no attention to it] Would you like a strawberry Mr. Jergs?

Mr. Jergs: Yes I do. For Shana. [gives strawberry to Shana]

Shana: Oh, I can’t. And I won’t tell you why. But if I did, its a big fun happening story.

Mr. Jergs: Oh, we love happening stories.

Kid 1: We sure do.[Kids agree]

Shana:[sexier voice] Well listen to this. My doctor says I can’t eat strawberries cause of all the little seeds. See, they get stuck in my intestine wall cause I got pockets in there. And then they fill up and form clumps that go rotten and get real hard and stinky.

[Kids got disgusted faces]

Kid 1: I think I’m gonna be sick.

Mr. Jergs: Hey man. She’s a human being. I love her open sexiness.

Shana: Oh, look. A place to dance and a stereo. I think I’m gonna turn it on. Rock my body.

[Hot dance music plays]

Mr. Jergs: What a great… what a great idea. I love watching people solo-dance.

Kid 1: All right. Now, this is more like it.

Shana: Oh, I wish this pole wouldn’t have a garland on it. I could show you what I learned in my skip and sweat pants.

Mr. Jergs: Let me help you with that. [Mr. Jergs takes off garland from pole] [Shana dances like an ape. She grunts and rubs her butt on the pole like a chimp in heat. She grabs the pole and grunts intensely] [Kids are extremely turned off]

Mr. Jergs: That was superior.

Kid 2: Ok. I’m gonna go sit outside in the snow.

Kid 1: I’m gonna go with you.

Kid 3: Me too as well. Thanks a lot, Gretchen.

[Kids leave, Gretchen follows, Mr. Jergs gives her that tray of strawberries]

Mr. Jergs: Hey, take this with you. Shana, I think I’m gonna rent a snowmobile. Would you like to travel around the lodge in circles with me?

Shana: Ooohh, I don’t know what to say. And when I don’t know what to say I giggle. [little giggle] Excuse me, its not my real laugh. [grotesque laugh] Argh, arrrgghh, arghhh, arrrghh!!!!

Mr. Jergs: You are a polished diamond.

Shana: So are you. Ooops, its funny. I just realized a bunch of tiny little turds squeezed out when I did that last dance. Oooh, I pooped my ski pants. I turded all inside my ski pants. [leaves]

Mr. Jergs: That is a woman that can hold my interest for a long time.

[Mr. Jergs follows Shana] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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