Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 11
09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys
Shana
Shana….Kristen Wiig
Mr. Jergs….Charles Barkley
Gretchen….Jenny Slate
Kid 1….Kenan Thompson
Kid 2….Will Forte
Kid 3….Andy Samberg
[Opens with a top view of a ski lodge, snow all around. Cut to inside a cabin. Three guys sit and drink in a couch. Gretchen, the only girl in the room is there]
Kid 3: Man, this is the best retreat yet. I can’t believe Mr. Jergs took us all skiing.
Kid 1: Yes. And to have this private party for us in the lodge? Man, he went all out.
Kid 2: Hey Gretchen. Where is that sassy girl Shana?
Gretchen: Ugh, is that all you guys ever talk about? Shana?
Kid 3: I saw her from behind on the bunny slopes today. I tell you, it was a sight to see.
Kid 1: I hope she’s coming to this thing.
Kid 2: Me too. If you know what I mean.
Kid 1: I do know what you mean!
Kid 3: I know what you mean as well.
Gretchen:[fed up] God! She’ll be here!
[Mr. Jergs enters the room]
Mr. Jergs: Hey guys. How is everybody doing?
Gretchen: Look Mr. Jergs. [a tray] I made your favorite. Chocolate covered strawberries from scratch.
Mr. Jergs: Oh, thanks. Where’s Shana?
Gretchen: She’s coming.
Mr. Jergs: Terrific. Wonderful.
[Sexy hard body Shana enters the room, the kids all get up]
Shana: [sexy voice] Hey, everyone. I’m sorry I’m late for this little get-together.
Mr. Jergs: Shana. I am so happy to see you.
Shana: By the way Mr. Jergs, that looks like a very cozy, cushy, mushy sweater.
Mr. Jergs: It is cozy. I mean, cushy, soft, whatever. Thick, you just got me all flustered.
[Gretchen has a sourpuss face]
Kid 1: That is one hot piece of fruit.
Kid 2: She is fantastic.
Kid 3: Damn right, double sexy y’all.
Shana: Is it warm in here? Or is it because I’m wearing a jacket inside?
Gretchen: It is because you’re wearing a jacket inside.
Shana: Oh, then guess I better take it off. [pulls zipper down playfully and takes jacket off in a sexy manner] Ooooohhh.
Mr. Jergs: Hubba-hubba.
Kid 1: I want her to do that again.
Kid 2: I wish she had a second jacket under that jacket that she could take off for us.
Kid 3: Me too as well.
Gretchen: You know, why don’t one of you go fix the fire? It looks like its about to go out.
Shana: Ooohh wee, I’m jealous. I want to do it. Its so funny how you don’t want fire in your house but when its in your fireplace its ok.
[Gretchen hard looks, kids horny looks]
Mr. Jergs: That is true. Well, go fix it if you want to.
Shana: Can I? Oooohhh, ooohhh, ooohhh, ooohhh,. Sorry, guess I got a little excited there. Ok. Here I go.
Kid 1: Oh, this is gonna be good.
[Shana blows on the fire like a monkey, legs bending and grunts while she does it]
Kid 1: [turned off] Man, that was not what I thought it was gonna be.
Kid 2: No, it was not.
Kid 3: That was not sexy.
Mr. Jergs: You guys wouldn’t know sexy if it sat on your face and say “where’s my butt”?
Shana:[sexy voice] Oooohhh, hot chocolate. Well, there’s too much whipped cream to take a sip.
Kid 1: [excited] Lick it off. You can just lick it off.
Kid 2: Lick it off.
Shana: I better suck a little off the top.
Mr. Jergs: Oh, that’s it.
[Shana takes the hot chocolate and slurps disgustingly, gags, clears throat, sips loud, spits it back in the cup]
Shana: Oh, I did it.
Mr. Jergs: Yes, you did.
Kid 1: [disturbed] Did she now?
Gretchen: My strawberries are being passed around if anyone wants them. [Gretchen passes the tray of strawberries, the kids pay no attention to it] Would you like a strawberry Mr. Jergs?
Mr. Jergs: Yes I do. For Shana. [gives strawberry to Shana]
Shana: Oh, I can’t. And I won’t tell you why. But if I did, its a big fun happening story.
Mr. Jergs: Oh, we love happening stories.
Kid 1: We sure do.[Kids agree]
Shana:[sexier voice] Well listen to this. My doctor says I can’t eat strawberries cause of all the little seeds. See, they get stuck in my intestine wall cause I got pockets in there. And then they fill up and form clumps that go rotten and get real hard and stinky.
[Kids got disgusted faces]
Kid 1: I think I’m gonna be sick.
Mr. Jergs: Hey man. She’s a human being. I love her open sexiness.
Shana: Oh, look. A place to dance and a stereo. I think I’m gonna turn it on. Rock my body.
[Hot dance music plays]
Mr. Jergs: What a great… what a great idea. I love watching people solo-dance.
Kid 1: All right. Now, this is more like it.
Shana: Oh, I wish this pole wouldn’t have a garland on it. I could show you what I learned in my skip and sweat pants.
Mr. Jergs: Let me help you with that. [Mr. Jergs takes off garland from pole]
[Shana dances like an ape. She grunts and rubs her butt on the pole like a chimp in heat. She grabs the pole and grunts intensely]
[Kids are extremely turned off]
Mr. Jergs: That was superior.
Kid 2: Ok. I’m gonna go sit outside in the snow.
Kid 1: I’m gonna go with you.
Kid 3: Me too as well. Thanks a lot, Gretchen.
[Kids leave, Gretchen follows, Mr. Jergs gives her that tray of strawberries]
Mr. Jergs: Hey, take this with you. Shana, I think I’m gonna rent a snowmobile. Would you like to travel around the lodge in circles with me?
Shana: Ooohh, I don’t know what to say. And when I don’t know what to say I giggle. [little giggle] Excuse me, its not my real laugh. [grotesque laugh] Argh, arrrgghh, arghhh, arrrghh!!!!
Mr. Jergs: You are a polished diamond.
Shana: So are you. Ooops, its funny. I just realized a bunch of tiny little turds squeezed out when I did that last dance. Oooh, I pooped my ski pants. I turded all inside my ski pants. [leaves]
Mr. Jergs: That is a woman that can hold my interest for a long time.
[Mr. Jergs follows Shana]
[cheers and applause]
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
