Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 12
Jim Simpson…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on exterior, apartment building ] [ SUPER: “Sigourney Weaver’s Apartment – Sunday” ] [ dissolve to interior, as her husband, Jim Simpson, pours a bottle of wine for their two guests ]
Jim Simpson: Thank you so much for bringing the Shiraz.
Dave: No problem. Let’s hope it brings good luck for Sigourney tonight.
Jim Simpson: Mmm-hmm. From your mouth to God’s ears! [ he chuckles lightly, then grabs the remote control ] Who’s ready to watch the Golden Globes?
Steph: This is so exciting! I hope “Avatar” wins EVERYTHING!
Jim Simpson: Mmm-hmm.
Steph: Where is she?
Jim Simpson: Uh, I think she’s in the bedroom. Hey, Sigourney! Honey? Dave and Steph are here! Why don’t you, uh — what are you doing? Come on out![ Sigourney runs out, holding up her laptop ]
Sigourney Weaver: Hey, hey! Listen to this. I’m on the E! online message board, and Johnmonger26 says: “Just saw “AVatar”, Sigourney Weaver is still hot, kiss my ass!” [ she giggles ] People are really talking about me on these Internet boards, isn’t that crazy?
Jim Simpson: Well, that’s great, honey. You want to come join us?
Sigourney Weaver: Okay. I’ll be right there.[ she turns and runs back into the bedroom ]
Steph: Wow. Is she — is she Googling herself?
Jim Simpson: Uh — yeah. Yeah, yeah. She’s been doing it all week. She’ll just be a second, she’s very excited you guys are here.
Dave: Why isn’t she at the Golden Globes?
Jim Simpson: Oh, uh — well, she found out they didn’t have Wi-Fi.[ Sigourney returns with her laptop in hand ]
Sigourney Weaver: Hey, look at this! Guys, I’m on the Comments section on Imdb.com, and UltimateDuck28 says that “Avatar is the best movie of all time!” [ she turns her monitor ] He even wrote it in caps!
Jim Simpson: You know, I think that happens a lot, honey.
Sigourney Weaver: You know, he calls me an “Amazonian beauty.” Look at me, I’m blushing! Should I respond to this? I should respond, right?
Jim Simpson: Uh — no. No, Sweetie. I don’t — no. [ Sigourney exits back into the bedroom ] Alright. There she goes. [ he chuckles nervously ] I’m sorry about this. She just got a new laptop.
Steph: Oh… that’s fine.
Jim Simpson: Hey, so tell me about the new house.
Dave: Great. We just put in a new kitchen, and it’s —[ Sigourney re-enters with her laptop, bursting into tears ]
Sigourney Weaver: OH!! Oh, my God!! Oh, my Go-o-o-od!
Jim Simpson: [ concerned ] Honey, honey? What is it?
Sigourney Weaver: It’s just… RooserBooster71 said, “Avatar looks STUPID!” He says he’s gonna see it on video! I just can’t believe this!
Jim Simpson: Oh, no, no — now, come on. You can’t listen to RoosterBooster71 —
Sigourney Weaver: He says it’s overhyped! He calls it “Dances With Smurfs”! He said it’s too much like the movie “Fern Gully”!
Dave: Oh, don’t worry about that…
Steph: Yeah. “Fern Gully” was good.
Sigourney Weaver: What am I gonna tell James Cameron?! I’m so upset about this! Do you think this is gonna hurt the movie?
Jim Simpson: [ running toward Sigourney ] No, no, no, no! Okay, honey, look, look, look — why don’t you put down the computer and have a glass of wine, okay?
Sigourney Weaver: Ugh![ she retreats back into the bedroom ]
Jim Simpson: [ he sighs ] Yeah. You know, it’s been a tough couple of days.
Dave: What are you gonna do?
Jim Simpson: Uhhhh, I don’t know. I don’t know. Before you came, I-I-I hid the power cord, so, right now, I’m kind of waiting for the battery to die out.[ Sigourney returns with her laptop ]
Sigourney Weaver: Hey, guys! Look at this! There’s a video of me in my underwear from the first “Alien”, and, in the Comments section, someone named Xylon57 just wrote: “Dat ass!” What does that mean?
Jim Simpson: I-I-I-I don’t know what that means.
Sigourney Weaver: It’s good, right? He also wrote something racist about Barack Obama — but he likes me, right?
Jim Simpson: Yes! I’m sure he likes you, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Sigourney Weaver: [ relieved ] Okay… okay…
Steph: Sigourney, why don’t you come sit down with us?
Sigourney Weaver: [ outraged ] WHAT?!! Look at this!! PinkstaGirl says, “Sigourney Weaver is an old horseface who be straight up nasty!”
Jim Simpson: No-o! Don’t you — you not be that! Nooooo!
Sigourney Weaver: That’s a TERRIBLE thing to write, right?
Jim Simpson: Absolutety! Yes. Sigourney, you can’t pay any attention to that.
Sigourney Weaver: I should SLAP her!
Jim Simpson: No!
Sigourney Weaver: I should SLAP her and her BITCH mouth!
Steph: Oh, no, no! Come on!
Sigourney Weaver: I’m taller than most women, I could really mess her up! I’m SIGOURNEY FREAKIN’ WEAVER!!!
Jim Simpson: Yes, you are! Yes, you are! Okay, now why don’t you come on down here and sit down — sit down the computer, and — [ Sigourney turns and exits ] HEY!! SIGOURNEY!! [ he sighs ]
Dave: Has she always been like this?
Jim Simpson: No. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not before the Internet. No. [ he sits ] She lived her life, you know… she was interested in other people, she was present.
Jim Simpson: She wasn’t this maddening, spiraling narcissist.
Steph: Come on, Jim.
Steph: Jim, are you okay?
Jim Simpson: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah. Oh, we’ll get through this.[ Sigourney returns with er laptop, now happy ]
Sigourney Weaver: Hey, guys! There’s a great nip-slip of me on iSugar.biz — you can TOTALLY see my nipple! [ she shows them ] Do you think men are gonna masturbate to this?
Jim Simpson: Oh, we’re not gonna get through this!
Sigourney Weaver: Do you think women will?
Jim Simpson: Ohhhhh…[ cut to exterior, apartment building ] [ fade ]