SNL Transcripts: Sigourney Weaver: 01/16/10: Internet Buzz



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 12








09l: Sigourney Weaver / The Ting Tings

Internet Buzz

Jim Simpson…..Jason Sudeikis
Dave…..Bill Hader
Steph…..Kristen Wiig
…..Sigourney Weaver

[ open on exterior, apartment building ] [ SUPER: “Sigourney Weaver’s Apartment – Sunday” ] [ dissolve to interior, as her husband, Jim Simpson, pours a bottle of wine for their two guests ]

Jim Simpson: Thank you so much for bringing the Shiraz.

Dave: No problem. Let’s hope it brings good luck for Sigourney tonight.

Jim Simpson: Mmm-hmm. From your mouth to God’s ears! [ he chuckles lightly, then grabs the remote control ] Who’s ready to watch the Golden Globes?

Dave: Absolutely!

Steph: This is so exciting! I hope “Avatar” wins EVERYTHING!

Jim Simpson: Mmm-hmm.

Steph: Where is she?

Jim Simpson: Uh, I think she’s in the bedroom. Hey, Sigourney! Honey? Dave and Steph are here! Why don’t you, uh — what are you doing? Come on out!

[ Sigourney runs out, holding up her laptop ]

Sigourney Weaver: Hey, hey! Listen to this. I’m on the E! online message board, and Johnmonger26 says: “Just saw “AVatar”, Sigourney Weaver is still hot, kiss my ass!” [ she giggles ] People are really talking about me on these Internet boards, isn’t that crazy?

Jim Simpson: Well, that’s great, honey. You want to come join us?

Sigourney Weaver: Okay. I’ll be right there.

[ she turns and runs back into the bedroom ]

Steph: Wow. Is she — is she Googling herself?

Jim Simpson: Uh — yeah. Yeah, yeah. She’s been doing it all week. She’ll just be a second, she’s very excited you guys are here.

Dave: Why isn’t she at the Golden Globes?

Jim Simpson: Oh, uh — well, she found out they didn’t have Wi-Fi.

[ Sigourney returns with her laptop in hand ]

Sigourney Weaver: Hey, look at this! Guys, I’m on the Comments section on Imdb.com, and UltimateDuck28 says that “Avatar is the best movie of all time!” [ she turns her monitor ] He even wrote it in caps!

Jim Simpson: You know, I think that happens a lot, honey.

Sigourney Weaver: You know, he calls me an “Amazonian beauty.” Look at me, I’m blushing! Should I respond to this? I should respond, right?

Jim Simpson: Uh — no. No, Sweetie. I don’t — no. [ Sigourney exits back into the bedroom ] Alright. There she goes. [ he chuckles nervously ] I’m sorry about this. She just got a new laptop.

Steph: Oh… that’s fine.

Jim Simpson: Hey, so tell me about the new house.

Dave: Great. We just put in a new kitchen, and it’s —

[ Sigourney re-enters with her laptop, bursting into tears ]

Sigourney Weaver: OH!! Oh, my God!! Oh, my Go-o-o-od!

Jim Simpson: [ concerned ] Honey, honey? What is it?

Sigourney Weaver: It’s just… RooserBooster71 said, “Avatar looks STUPID!” He says he’s gonna see it on video! I just can’t believe this!

Jim Simpson: Oh, no, no — now, come on. You can’t listen to RoosterBooster71 —

Sigourney Weaver: He says it’s overhyped! He calls it “Dances With Smurfs”! He said it’s too much like the movie “Fern Gully”!

Dave: Oh, don’t worry about that…

Steph: Yeah. “Fern Gully” was good.

Sigourney Weaver: What am I gonna tell James Cameron?! I’m so upset about this! Do you think this is gonna hurt the movie?

Jim Simpson: [ running toward Sigourney ] No, no, no, no! Okay, honey, look, look, look — why don’t you put down the computer and have a glass of wine, okay?

Sigourney Weaver: Ugh!

[ she retreats back into the bedroom ]

Jim Simpson: [ he sighs ] Yeah. You know, it’s been a tough couple of days.

Dave: What are you gonna do?

Jim Simpson: Uhhhh, I don’t know. I don’t know. Before you came, I-I-I hid the power cord, so, right now, I’m kind of waiting for the battery to die out.

[ Sigourney returns with her laptop ]

Sigourney Weaver: Hey, guys! Look at this! There’s a video of me in my underwear from the first “Alien”, and, in the Comments section, someone named Xylon57 just wrote: “Dat ass!” What does that mean?

Jim Simpson: I-I-I-I don’t know what that means.

Sigourney Weaver: It’s good, right? He also wrote something racist about Barack Obama — but he likes me, right?

Jim Simpson: Yes! I’m sure he likes you, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Sigourney Weaver: [ relieved ] Okay… okay…

Steph: Sigourney, why don’t you come sit down with us?

Sigourney Weaver: [ outraged ] WHAT?!! Look at this!! PinkstaGirl says, “Sigourney Weaver is an old horseface who be straight up nasty!”

Jim Simpson: No-o! Don’t you — you not be that! Nooooo!

Sigourney Weaver: That’s a TERRIBLE thing to write, right?

Jim Simpson: Absolutety! Yes. Sigourney, you can’t pay any attention to that.

Sigourney Weaver: I should SLAP her!

Jim Simpson: No!

Sigourney Weaver: I should SLAP her and her BITCH mouth!

Steph: Oh, no, no! Come on!

Sigourney Weaver: I’m taller than most women, I could really mess her up! I’m SIGOURNEY FREAKIN’ WEAVER!!!

Jim Simpson: Yes, you are! Yes, you are! Okay, now why don’t you come on down here and sit down — sit down the computer, and — [ Sigourney turns and exits ] HEY!! SIGOURNEY!! [ he sighs ]

Dave: Has she always been like this?

Jim Simpson: No. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not before the Internet. No. [ he sits ] She lived her life, you know… she was interested in other people, she was present.

Steph: Oh.

Jim Simpson: She wasn’t this maddening, spiraling narcissist.

Steph: Come on, Jim.

Steph: Jim, are you okay?

Jim Simpson: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah. Oh, we’ll get through this.

[ Sigourney returns with er laptop, now happy ]

Sigourney Weaver: Hey, guys! There’s a great nip-slip of me on iSugar.biz — you can TOTALLY see my nipple! [ she shows them ] Do you think men are gonna masturbate to this?

Jim Simpson: Oh, we’re not gonna get through this!

Sigourney Weaver: Do you think women will?

Jim Simpson: Ohhhhh…

[ cut to exterior, apartment building ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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