Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 12
Fire and Rice
Jessica Fire…..Sigourney Weaver
Dante Rice…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on interior, nightclub stage, Dante Rice playing the piano as Jessica Fire sits atop ]
Jessica Fire: Hello! Hello there, I’m Jessica Fire, and this silver fox to my right —
Dante Rice: And to your left.
Jessica Fire: Is my partner in song — and also in life — my second husband and my ride home, Dante Rice.
Dante Rice: [ chuckling ] And, together, we are:
Together: Fire and Rice!
Jessica Fire: [ she laughs ] And — [ looking down ] Uh-oh. Guess I didn’t realize how high up I’d be when I climbed up here.
Dante Rice: Oh, Jessiba!
Jessica Fire: What is it, my love?
Dante Rice: What’s that on your finger?
Jessica Fire: Oh! Well, that’s just a string to remind me.
Dante Rice: What? To remind you of what?
Jessica Fire: Well, to remind me to sing this song: [ singing ]
“I’ve got the world on a string
I’m sitting ON a rainbow!”
I’m a little scared right now…[ she lays across the top of the piano, twitching slightly ]
“Got this string around my fin-ger!
What a world!
What a life!
I’m in love.”
Dante Rice: Is everything okay, my love?
Jessica Fire: I’m fine…
“I’ve got a song that I sing…”
I feel so high up!
“I can make the rain go…”[ nervous ] Seriously — am I really high off the ground right now?
Dante Rice: No, not at all. Not at all.
Jessica Fire: “Every time I put my fin-gerLucky me –“
Wow… are pianos normally this high?
Dante Rice: [ chuckling ] Funny thing about my wife — she’s afraid of heights!
Jessica Fire: How high up am I? Like, 40 or 50 feet?
Dante Rice: No-ho! Coupled by a severe depth-perception problem.
Jessica Fire: Well, I’m not comfortable with this!
Dante Rice: You’ll have to excuse my little songbird here. This is our first time trying the act with Jessica on top of the piano. I guess I just thought it would look real charming.
Jessica Fire: Can someone help me down?! Please?! Someone bring a ladder!
Dante Rice: We don’t need that! We don’t need a ladder! We could just… “Call the Whole Thing Off”.
Jessica Fire: Oh, that’s a good idea!
Dante Rice: No, honey — the song. [ he begins to tinkle the ivories ]
Jessica Fire: Oh. Oh.
Dante Rice: [ singing ]“You say to-ma-to –“
Jessica Fire: No, I’m starting to freak out a little bit here!
Dante Rice: “You say po-ta-to –“
Jessica Fire: Just shut your stupid mouth!!
Dante Rice: “To-ma-to!”
Jessica Fire: HELP ME!!
Dante Rice: “Po-ta-to!”
Jessica Fire: I HATE YOU!!
Dante Rice: You’re right — let’s just call this whole thing off, right?
Jessica Fire: Oh, my God… I’m gonna die on this piano!
Dante Rice: No, honey, you’re not gonna die! Relax! Come on! How about a little “Heart and Soul”!
Jessica Fire: I’m peeing!
Dante Rice: Okay! “Heart and Soul”! She’s peeing, ladies and gentlemen — everybody pees, it’s okay!
Jessica Fire: I need you to be NICE to me now!
Dante Rice: Alright! Let’s just wrap this up, shall we?[ Jessica twists her body around the top of the piano, singing ]
“I’ve got rhythm
I’ve got music.
I’ve got my man
Who could ask for anything more?!”
Together: Who could ask fooooorrrrr anything moooorrrrre?”
Dante Rice: Oh boy, yeah![ Jessica raises herself high on the piano and falls off; her screams echo into the distance until we hear the sound of breaking glass ]
Dante Rice: [ panicking ] Oh! Wha — There’s like a sixty-foot drop back here!! I did not see that!! Why didn’t you — we’re gonna take a five!! I’m sorry!! [ he jumps atop the piano and peers downward ] I’m sorry, honey!![ fade ]