SNL Transcripts: Sigourney Weaver: 01/16/10: Fire and Rice


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 12

09l: Sigourney Weaver / The Ting Tings

Fire and Rice

Jessica Fire…..Sigourney Weaver
Dante Rice…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on interior, nightclub stage, Dante Rice playing the piano as Jessica Fire sits atop ]

Jessica Fire: Hello! Hello there, I’m Jessica Fire, and this silver fox to my right —

Dante Rice: And to your left.

Jessica Fire: Is my partner in song — and also in life — my second husband and my ride home, Dante Rice.

Dante Rice: [ chuckling ] And, together, we are:

Together: Fire and Rice!

Jessica Fire: [ she laughs ] And — [ looking down ] Uh-oh. Guess I didn’t realize how high up I’d be when I climbed up here.

Dante Rice: Oh, Jessiba!

Jessica Fire: What is it, my love?

Dante Rice: What’s that on your finger?

Jessica Fire: Oh! Well, that’s just a string to remind me.

Dante Rice: What? To remind you of what?

Jessica Fire: Well, to remind me to sing this song: [ singing ]

“I’ve got the world on a string
I’m sitting ON a rainbow!”

I’m a little scared right now…

[ she lays across the top of the piano, twitching slightly ]

“Got this string around my fin-ger!
What a world!
What a life!
I’m in love.”

Dante Rice: Is everything okay, my love?

Jessica Fire: I’m fine…

“I’ve got a song that I sing…”

I feel so high up!

“I can make the rain go…”

[ nervous ] Seriously — am I really high off the ground right now?

Dante Rice: No, not at all. Not at all.

Jessica Fire: “Every time I put my fin-gerLucky me –“

Wow… are pianos normally this high?

Dante Rice: [ chuckling ] Funny thing about my wife — she’s afraid of heights!

Jessica Fire: How high up am I? Like, 40 or 50 feet?

Dante Rice: No-ho! Coupled by a severe depth-perception problem.

Jessica Fire: Well, I’m not comfortable with this!

Dante Rice: You’ll have to excuse my little songbird here. This is our first time trying the act with Jessica on top of the piano. I guess I just thought it would look real charming.

Jessica Fire: Can someone help me down?! Please?! Someone bring a ladder!

Dante Rice: We don’t need that! We don’t need a ladder! We could just… “Call the Whole Thing Off”.

Jessica Fire: Oh, that’s a good idea!

Dante Rice: No, honey — the song. [ he begins to tinkle the ivories ]

Jessica Fire: Oh. Oh.

Dante Rice: [ singing ]“You say to-ma-to –“

Jessica Fire: No, I’m starting to freak out a little bit here!

Dante Rice: “You say po-ta-to –“

Jessica Fire: Just shut your stupid mouth!!

Dante Rice: “To-ma-to!”

Jessica Fire: HELP ME!!

Dante Rice: “Po-ta-to!”

Jessica Fire: I HATE YOU!!

Dante Rice: You’re right — let’s just call this whole thing off, right?

Jessica Fire: Oh, my God… I’m gonna die on this piano!

Dante Rice: No, honey, you’re not gonna die! Relax! Come on! How about a little “Heart and Soul”!

Jessica Fire: I’m peeing!

Dante Rice: Okay! “Heart and Soul”! She’s peeing, ladies and gentlemen — everybody pees, it’s okay!

Jessica Fire: I need you to be NICE to me now!

Dante Rice: Alright! Let’s just wrap this up, shall we?

[ Jessica twists her body around the top of the piano, singing ]

Jessica Fire:
“I’ve got rhythm
I’ve got music.
I’ve got my man
Who could ask for anything more?!”

[ Jessica attempts to prop herself up by her elbows ]

Together: Who could ask fooooorrrrr anything moooorrrrre?”

Dante Rice: Oh boy, yeah!

[ Jessica raises herself high on the piano and falls off; her screams echo into the distance until we hear the sound of breaking glass ]

Dante Rice: [ panicking ] Oh! Wha — There’s like a sixty-foot drop back here!! I did not see that!! Why didn’t you — we’re gonna take a five!! I’m sorry!! [ he jumps atop the piano and peers downward ] I’m sorry, honey!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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