Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 12
Larry King Live
Larry King…..Fred Armisen
Jay Leno…..Darrell Hammond
Conan O’Brien…..Bill Hader
David Letterman…..Jason Sudeikis
Carson Daly…..Will Forte
[ open on “Larry King Live” graphics ]
[ dissolve to Larry King ]
Larry King: Good evening, I’m Larry King! Are these glasses getting bigger, or is my face SHRINKING?! You decide!! Tonight: The late night wars are heating up once again, with new rumors flying every day! Conan is out, Jay is in, and no one is talking about the greatest talk show of all time — Mr. Joey Bishop! It’s time to end the insanity! Tonight on “Larry King”, our NBC late night summit, where we flesh things out once and for all! Joining me here in the studio are Mr. Jay Leno —
Jay Leno: It was VERY exciting, actually — whoa-oa! [ the audience cheers ] Calm down! Calm down! I didn’t come here to have fun!
Larry King: Jay, I love the denim! Denim on denim thing, it works for me.
Jay Leno: Well, thank you very much, Larry!
Larry King: We’ve also got Conan O’Brien.
Conan O’Brien: [ with great seriousness ] How you doing, Larry.
Larry King: I’m doing great! I’m on this new Benefiber gig! It’s like a plumber came in with a stake and just cleaned it all out! But let’s talk late night. Now, let’s see if I have this sorted out: Now, Jay, about five years ago, NBC came to you and said, “Jay! You’re doing great, your show’s #1, we love you, now leave! Because we want to replace you with Conan O’Brien,” and you said, “Fantastic!”
Jay Leno: Wellllll, I don’t know if I said that, Larry. See, NBC and I agreed on a new deal, alright? But, you know what NBC stands for: Nothing But Catastrophe!! [ he yuks it up ] Did you see this in the paper today? This is so stupid — this is unbelievable!
Larry King: No! Jay, Jay! No monologue! No monologue! I’m gonna have to cut you off, because I want to get to the bottom of this. So, you moved to 10:00 p.m., and that was a colossal failure. Is that right?
Jay Leno: Come on, Larry, I don’t know if that’s true or not!
Larry King: It’s TRUE! And that’s where Conan comes in. Conan, you were doing great at 12:30.
Conan O’Brien: That’s right, yes.
Larry King: You had loads of fans, great ratings… then they moved you to 11:30, and it was a colossal failure! Is that right?
Conan O’Brien: No, Larry. I didn’t really have a chance to —
Larry King: But that might have been because of your lead-in, which was Jay, which was, again, a colossal failure!
Jay Leno: Oh, come on! That is not fair! That’s —
Larry King: So they were going to move Conan to midnight and Jimmy Fallon to 1:00 a.m., which is six hours after I go to bed. Is that all right?
Conan O’Brien: Yeah.
Jay Leno: Yeah.
Larry King: So now everything’s a mess, you’re all mad at each other — all because of a bad decision made in 2003!
Conan O’Brien: Uh-huh.
Jay Leno: Yep!
Larry King: Well, it seems like there’s a very obvious solution here: time machine!
Jay Leno: [ dumbfounded ] What?
Larry King: Conan, you’ve got some time off coming up, you went to Harvard… do you think you could build yourself a time machine? [ Conan gives Larry a dirty look ] You know, fly around a little bit, maybe bring along that bear who touches himself — that thing is a hoot! [ to the camera ] Do you think Conan should build a time machine? Sound off on my Internet blog — type in http, then colon, then two backslashes, then www.cnn.com, backslash, Larry King. It’s an… online blog. Alright, we’re gonna check in with another late night star. He went through a similar shake-up in the early 90’s, and I understand he and Jay used to be great friends. Please welcome David Letterman!
[ cut to Letterman seated behind his own talk show set, giggling and grimaching nonstop ]
Larry King: Now… Now, David. [ Letterman tosses a pencil at the camera, as the sound effects crash ] Your friend Jay here — [ he smiles ] Your friend Jay here is in a terrible jam. And all of NBC late night is just a mess. [ Letterman continues to toss pencils and giggle ] Everyone’s forgotten your sex scandal, and you’re #1 again — how do you feel?
David Letterman: Eee-ohhhh, yeah! [ he giggles and tosses a series of pencils ]
Larry King: That’s great stuff, Dave! Now, Conan — you do a thing on your show where you come out and you pretend you’re a puppet, you dance around, and then you cut the string, and you touch your nipple.
Conan O’Brien: [ slightly embarrassed by it ] Yeah… yeah.
Larry King: Now, is that why you got cancelled?
[ Conan shakes his head no ]
Larry King: Because, Jay, I love that Jaywalking thing you do on your show — that was a big hit, right?
Jay Leno: Wellllllll, it’s pretty popular!
Larry King: Conan! Have you ever considered doing Jaywalking on your show?
Conan O’Brien: No, Larry… we didn’t. No.
Larry King: It’s probably too expensive to do, right? Just to film it, then to ship the film cans.
[ Conan gives Larry another dirty look, as Larry faces the camera ]
Larry King: Should Conan do Jaywalking? Twitter me at captain-suspenders1906. [ ] Well, Conan, it looks like you got screwed worse than ANYONE on this thing, but the rumor is you might get millions of dollars to walk away, and maybe try for a show at Fox. Is it true?
Conan O’Brien: I really can’t say anything at this time…
Larry King: Millions! To walk away! It sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. If someone offered me even one? million dollars, not only would I pack up and leave… I’d KILL a guy!
Jay Leno: Well, if that’s the case, then, Larry, I have the names of a couple of NBC executives I could get you — Sure! Sure!
Larry King: That’s terrific stuff!
Jay Leno: Well, thank you!
Larry King: Conan, don’t worry! You’re young and talented, and you get to leave NBC. It’s like you were rescued from the Titanic! And I can relate, because I was rescued from the ACTUAL Titanic! Dave! Anything else to add?
David Letterman: Ehhhhhh… [ he giggles and tosses another pencil at the camera ]
Larry King: Thanks, Dave! Uh, we’re gonna be right back with more of the NBC mess, and — oh, my God, I can’t believe it! Sutting right here the entire time, just off camera, was Mr. Carson Daly!
[ Carson Daly nods ]
Larry King: Thanks for being here!
Carson Daly: Sure.
Larry King: Coming up: Snoop Dogg tells us why he’d love to work with Susan Boyle, and, also: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”