SNL Transcripts: Sigourney Weaver: 01/16/10: Sigourney Weaver’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 12

09l: Sigourney Weaver / The Ting Tings

Sigourney Weaver

…..Sigourney Weaver
…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Sigourney Weaver!

Sigourney Weaver: Thank you! Thank you so much. I am so excited to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the second time. [ the audience cheers ] Last time I hosted was in 1986. This was me back then: [ still shot of Weaver during her 1986 monologue ] A lot has changed since then. I wear a bra now.

Now, you may know me most recently from the movie “Avatar”. [ the audience cheers ] But, you know, throughout my career I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to play some amazing people in the movies: Ellen Ripley in “Alien”, Diane Fossey in “Gorillas in the Mist”, and, of course, the smokin’ Dr. Grace ?? in “Avatar”. [ the audience cheers ] All of them strong, independent, fearless BITCHES! But, you know, in real life I’m really not like that at all. You know, I’m actually kind of a wimp. You know, I HATE scary movies? Seriously. I don’t even like to see the ones I’m in. I remember when I saw “Aliens”, I screamed for two straight hours. Okay, I lied; I didn’t scream — I peed. So now I have a personal rule — I don’t see anything scary. Nothing with monsters, aliens, no puppets, no teens on vacation, no twins. But, tonight, you know, I don ‘t have anything to be afraid of —

[ Kristen Wiig taps Weaver on the shoulder ]

Kristen Wiig: Sigourney?

[ Weaver jumps and screams ]

It’s me — it’s Kristen — I just wanted to say what a huge fan I am!

Sigourney Weaver: Are you an alien? You HAVE to tell me if you are!

Kristen Wiig: [ stunned ] I’m… not an alien.

Sigourney Weaver: Are you a twin?

Kristen Wiig: I’m gonna catch you after the show.

[ Kristen makes a face, then makes her exit ]

Sigourney Weaver: [ she shrugs ] She seems nice. You know, there really is nothing to be scared of. I practically grew up in this building. It’s true. When I was a kid, my dad, Pat Weaver, was President of NBC. I’m not kidding. Yep. [ the audience applauds ] I used to run around these halls. Look — here’s a picture of him from that time, with me and my mom. [ reveal image; audience awws ] I’m not wearing a bra in that picture, either.

Anyway, while he was president, my father actually created “The Tonight Show”. He did. And I recently found his original memo. Can I get that? [ a letter is handed to her ] So, my father wrote that “The Tonight Show” should be: [ reading ] “A light entertainment program with comedy and interviews, to air at night before people drift off to sleep. Because the last thing anyone wants at that time of night is any conflict or controversy.” Dad was a visionary!

We have a great show! The Ting Tings are here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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