SNL Transcripts: Sigourney Weaver: 01/16/10: Riley

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 12

09l: Sigourney Weaver / The Ting Tings


Riley….Fred Armisen
Jake….Andy Samberg
Mom….Sigourney Weaver
Dad….Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with a house at night, cut to a dining room. Mom serves dinner to her son Jake and to his son’s friend, red headed Riley]

Mom: Here you go. A couple of my famous crab cakes. [serves them]

Jake: Thanks mom. These look great.

[Dad comes home]

Dad: Hey, everyone. Sorry I’m late.

Mom: Oh, its ok, honey. I just went ahead and served the boys. How are you?


Dad: Looks like we have some company.

Mom: That’s right. This is Jake’s new friend, Riley.

Dad: All right. Well, its nice to meet you Riley.

Riley: [gruff, effeminate tone] It would’ve been nice to meet you at 8 o’clock! What kind of a bitch shows up 45 minutes late!

Dad: [surprised] I’m sorry, what? What is that?

Jingle: Get ready for Riley!

Caption: Riley

Riley: You bitch!

[back to scene]

Mom: Riley is new at school. I think its very nice of Jake to invite him over.

Riley: Yeah, yeah. Jake’s the best. Let’s eat!

Dad: So, did you two have a good day at school?

Riley: Oh, it was terrible! For starters, I missed the school bus and I had to haul my ass down nine blocks! I mean, can you picture it? Me hoofing it in these galoshes like yesterday’s bitch!

Dad: Hey Riley, you know, I’m not sure how you talk in your family buddy, but we kind of not use that language in this house.

Riley: Oh, pardon me, Randall Rule-Book, but I’m me! This is who I am! I’m bold! I’m brash! And you better believe it!

Mom: Michael, Riley is our guest. So, lets be polite.

Riley: She’s great! Look at those legs. What do you do? Flick kicks every morning? Heh, heh, heh….

Dad: He’s right, honey. You do look great.

Riley: Who told you to open your mouth, bitch?!

Dad: [holding his patience] Riley, buddy.

Riley: Right, right. Fine. Language.

Jake: Oh, mom, you won’t believe what happened in science class. Mr.Zalesko threw his back out picking up the projector.

Riley: [exaggerated laugh] HAHAHA!!! It was great! That’s what me and Jake do all day at school, we laugh like a pair of old queens.

Dad: Sounds like he really hurt himself.

Riley: Oh, calm down, Mary. He’ll live.

Jake: Then Riley got into a fight with coach Duncan in gym class.

Riley: That’s right. I refuse to wear those gym shorts. They make my ass look like a couple of ice cream cones pushed together! And I mean vanilla, bitch! Hahaha!

Dad: [angry] Riley, are you not hearing me?

Mom: Michael, don’t make him feel uncomfortable.

[snippy look on Riley]

Dad: So Jakey, how’s the new ten-speed bike working out?

Jake: Umm…

Dad: What? What’s wrong?

Riley: Oh, spill the beans! We sold it! And we bought these. Oh, put yours on. [Riley and Jake get fruity rhinestone caps and purses on] When we show up in these tomorrow everyone’s gonna crap! Hahaha!

Dad: Wait! You sold your ten-speed?! That was $600!

Jake: Well, Riley said we have to wow them. He said you wouldn’t get it, bitch.

Dad: Hey! Did he teach you that?!

Riley: Oh, way to connect the dots, bitch!

Dad: Ok. Riley, go home! You’re disrespectful and a terrible influence on our son!

Mom: Michael, this little boy may be different but he has feelings.

Riley: Heh, heh, heh, she’s great!

Mom: He just transferred to another school….

Riley: [mocking the Dad] She’s humiliating you! You should see your face.

Mom:…where he doesn’t have any friends….

Riley: You’re a bitch, bitch!

Mom: ….our son….

Riley: Put your finger in his face.

Mom: ….our son has been kind enough to accept him and make him a friend. The least we can do is accept him too.

Riley: That’s right, bitch!

[sentimental music]

Jake: Yeah, dad. Everyone’s different. And that’s what makes every friend a new adventure.

[music stops] [Riley next to Jake]

Riley: That’s right, you bitch!

Dad: You’re right, Riley. I’m sorry for judging you. Anytime you want to come over here….

Riley: Oh my God! “Damages” is on! That show is like crack! Dinner’s over! [throws fork on the plate]

Dad: Hey, Glenn Close is an amazing actress.

Riley: I’m starting to like this bitch, bitch!

[Everyone at the table laugh and go: “Oh, Riley!”]

Jingle: Get ready for Riley!

Caption: Riley

Riley: You bitch!

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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