Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 12
[Opens with a house at night, cut to a dining room. Mom serves dinner to her son Jake and to his son’s friend, red headed Riley]
Mom: Here you go. A couple of my famous crab cakes. [serves them]
Jake: Thanks mom. These look great.[Dad comes home]
Dad: Hey, everyone. Sorry I’m late.
Mom: Oh, its ok, honey. I just went ahead and served the boys. How are you?
Dad: Looks like we have some company.
Mom: That’s right. This is Jake’s new friend, Riley.
Dad: All right. Well, its nice to meet you Riley.
Riley: [gruff, effeminate tone] It would’ve been nice to meet you at 8 o’clock! What kind of a bitch shows up 45 minutes late!
Dad: [surprised] I’m sorry, what? What is that?
Jingle: Get ready for Riley!
Riley: You bitch![back to scene]
Mom: Riley is new at school. I think its very nice of Jake to invite him over.
Riley: Yeah, yeah. Jake’s the best. Let’s eat!
Dad: So, did you two have a good day at school?
Riley: Oh, it was terrible! For starters, I missed the school bus and I had to haul my ass down nine blocks! I mean, can you picture it? Me hoofing it in these galoshes like yesterday’s bitch!
Dad: Hey Riley, you know, I’m not sure how you talk in your family buddy, but we kind of not use that language in this house.
Riley: Oh, pardon me, Randall Rule-Book, but I’m me! This is who I am! I’m bold! I’m brash! And you better believe it!
Mom: Michael, Riley is our guest. So, lets be polite.
Riley: She’s great! Look at those legs. What do you do? Flick kicks every morning? Heh, heh, heh….
Dad: He’s right, honey. You do look great.
Riley: Who told you to open your mouth, bitch?!
Dad: [holding his patience] Riley, buddy.
Riley: Right, right. Fine. Language.
Jake: Oh, mom, you won’t believe what happened in science class. Mr.Zalesko threw his back out picking up the projector.
Riley: [exaggerated laugh] HAHAHA!!! It was great! That’s what me and Jake do all day at school, we laugh like a pair of old queens.
Dad: Sounds like he really hurt himself.
Riley: Oh, calm down, Mary. He’ll live.
Jake: Then Riley got into a fight with coach Duncan in gym class.
Riley: That’s right. I refuse to wear those gym shorts. They make my ass look like a couple of ice cream cones pushed together! And I mean vanilla, bitch! Hahaha!
Dad: [angry] Riley, are you not hearing me?
Mom: Michael, don’t make him feel uncomfortable.[snippy look on Riley]
Dad: So Jakey, how’s the new ten-speed bike working out?
Dad: What? What’s wrong?
Riley: Oh, spill the beans! We sold it! And we bought these. Oh, put yours on. [Riley and Jake get fruity rhinestone caps and purses on] When we show up in these tomorrow everyone’s gonna crap! Hahaha!
Dad: Wait! You sold your ten-speed?! That was $600!
Jake: Well, Riley said we have to wow them. He said you wouldn’t get it, bitch.
Dad: Hey! Did he teach you that?!
Riley: Oh, way to connect the dots, bitch!
Dad: Ok. Riley, go home! You’re disrespectful and a terrible influence on our son!
Mom: Michael, this little boy may be different but he has feelings.
Riley: Heh, heh, heh, she’s great!
Mom: He just transferred to another school….
Riley: [mocking the Dad] She’s humiliating you! You should see your face.
Mom:…where he doesn’t have any friends….
Riley: You’re a bitch, bitch!
Mom: ….our son….
Riley: Put your finger in his face.
Mom: ….our son has been kind enough to accept him and make him a friend. The least we can do is accept him too.
Riley: That’s right, bitch![sentimental music]
Jake: Yeah, dad. Everyone’s different. And that’s what makes every friend a new adventure.[music stops] [Riley next to Jake]
Riley: That’s right, you bitch!
Dad: You’re right, Riley. I’m sorry for judging you. Anytime you want to come over here….
Riley: Oh my God! “Damages” is on! That show is like crack! Dinner’s over! [throws fork on the plate]
Dad: Hey, Glenn Close is an amazing actress.
Riley: I’m starting to like this bitch, bitch![Everyone at the table laugh and go: “Oh, Riley!”]
Jingle: Get ready for Riley!
Riley: You bitch![cheers and applause] [fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel