SNL Transcripts: Sigourney Weaver: 01/16/10: Riley


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 12

09l: Sigourney Weaver / The Ting Tings


Riley….Fred Armisen
Jake….Andy Samberg
Mom….Sigourney Weaver
Dad….Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with a house at night, cut to a dining room. Mom serves dinner to her son Jake and to his son’s friend, red headed Riley]

Mom: Here you go. A couple of my famous crab cakes. [serves them]

Jake: Thanks mom. These look great.

[Dad comes home]

Dad: Hey, everyone. Sorry I’m late.

Mom: Oh, its ok, honey. I just went ahead and served the boys. How are you?


Dad: Looks like we have some company.

Mom: That’s right. This is Jake’s new friend, Riley.

Dad: All right. Well, its nice to meet you Riley.

Riley: [gruff, effeminate tone] It would’ve been nice to meet you at 8 o’clock! What kind of a bitch shows up 45 minutes late!

Dad: [surprised] I’m sorry, what? What is that?

Jingle: Get ready for Riley!

Caption: Riley

Riley: You bitch!

[back to scene]

Mom: Riley is new at school. I think its very nice of Jake to invite him over.

Riley: Yeah, yeah. Jake’s the best. Let’s eat!

Dad: So, did you two have a good day at school?

Riley: Oh, it was terrible! For starters, I missed the school bus and I had to haul my ass down nine blocks! I mean, can you picture it? Me hoofing it in these galoshes like yesterday’s bitch!

Dad: Hey Riley, you know, I’m not sure how you talk in your family buddy, but we kind of not use that language in this house.

Riley: Oh, pardon me, Randall Rule-Book, but I’m me! This is who I am! I’m bold! I’m brash! And you better believe it!

Mom: Michael, Riley is our guest. So, lets be polite.

Riley: She’s great! Look at those legs. What do you do? Flick kicks every morning? Heh, heh, heh….

Dad: He’s right, honey. You do look great.

Riley: Who told you to open your mouth, bitch?!

Dad: [holding his patience] Riley, buddy.

Riley: Right, right. Fine. Language.

Jake: Oh, mom, you won’t believe what happened in science class. Mr.Zalesko threw his back out picking up the projector.

Riley: [exaggerated laugh] HAHAHA!!! It was great! That’s what me and Jake do all day at school, we laugh like a pair of old queens.

Dad: Sounds like he really hurt himself.

Riley: Oh, calm down, Mary. He’ll live.

Jake: Then Riley got into a fight with coach Duncan in gym class.

Riley: That’s right. I refuse to wear those gym shorts. They make my ass look like a couple of ice cream cones pushed together! And I mean vanilla, bitch! Hahaha!

Dad: [angry] Riley, are you not hearing me?

Mom: Michael, don’t make him feel uncomfortable.

[snippy look on Riley]

Dad: So Jakey, how’s the new ten-speed bike working out?

Jake: Umm…

Dad: What? What’s wrong?

Riley: Oh, spill the beans! We sold it! And we bought these. Oh, put yours on. [Riley and Jake get fruity rhinestone caps and purses on] When we show up in these tomorrow everyone’s gonna crap! Hahaha!

Dad: Wait! You sold your ten-speed?! That was $600!

Jake: Well, Riley said we have to wow them. He said you wouldn’t get it, bitch.

Dad: Hey! Did he teach you that?!

Riley: Oh, way to connect the dots, bitch!

Dad: Ok. Riley, go home! You’re disrespectful and a terrible influence on our son!

Mom: Michael, this little boy may be different but he has feelings.

Riley: Heh, heh, heh, she’s great!

Mom: He just transferred to another school….

Riley: [mocking the Dad] She’s humiliating you! You should see your face.

Mom:…where he doesn’t have any friends….

Riley: You’re a bitch, bitch!

Mom: ….our son….

Riley: Put your finger in his face.

Mom: ….our son has been kind enough to accept him and make him a friend. The least we can do is accept him too.

Riley: That’s right, bitch!

[sentimental music]

Jake: Yeah, dad. Everyone’s different. And that’s what makes every friend a new adventure.

[music stops] [Riley next to Jake]

Riley: That’s right, you bitch!

Dad: You’re right, Riley. I’m sorry for judging you. Anytime you want to come over here….

Riley: Oh my God! “Damages” is on! That show is like crack! Dinner’s over! [throws fork on the plate]

Dad: Hey, Glenn Close is an amazing actress.

Riley: I’m starting to like this bitch, bitch!

[Everyone at the table laugh and go: “Oh, Riley!”]

Jingle: Get ready for Riley!

Caption: Riley

Riley: You bitch!

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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