SNL Transcripts: Sigourney Weaver: 01/16/10: An SNL Digital Short
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 12
An SNL Digital Short
Ellen Ripley…..Sigourney Weaver
INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – NIGHT
James Cameron: Thanks Lorne for meeting with me. I really appreciate it.
Lorne Michaels: James, no problem. Congratulations on Avatar. There were sections of it that remind me of “Three Amigos”.
James Cameron: You picked up on that. That’s great! I’m going to cut to the chase – I got my next project ready to go and I think it’s going to be perfect for the show.
Lorne Michaels: If you’re behind it, I’ll put it on the air.
James Cameron: Great! Guys?
BILL HADER and ANDY SAMBERG burst into the office with a television and VCR on a small cart.
Lorne Michaels: Oh fuck![CUT TO: MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE ON TELEVISON OF “LASER CATS” WITH CATS FLYING AND THE PLANET EARTH.]
Bill Hader (V/O): In the future, there was a nuclear war. And because of all the radiation, cats developed the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths. Some will use the cats for good, others for evil. Who will win in a world of ?[The planet Earth explodes in large bursts of fire.] [MUSIC: THEME FROM TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY]
SUPER: JAMES CAMERON’S LASER CATS 5
INT. NBC COMMISSARY – DAY[A WAITRESS in a futuristic (all tin foil) cap wipes the counter. Nitro and Spaceship are seated with their “laser cats”, (i.e. plush toy cats), on the counter.]
Spaceship: Cheers, kemosabe.
Nitro: Whoa, kemosabe! Don’t you care about the environment?
Spaceship: Negativo. What’s the environment done for me?[Nitro types on his futuristic communicator, a large, weight belt strapped diagonally around his chest, reading NITRO.]
Nitro: Oh, geez. We’re getting a video call from our science chief.[Nitro puts on a pair of oversize sunglasses.] [THE CHIEF, dressed in a white, oversized bellhop’s uniform, stands with a “laser kitten/laser pointer”.]
Chief: Admiral here. Spaceship, Nitro — I’m sending you back in time to the year 3023. Your mission – destroy the hive where the laser cats were born. Stop laser cats from ever existing.
INT. ENGINEER ROOM
Chief: Godspeed boys.[Chief types on an iTech pre-schoolers learning device. Andy and Nitro stand on separate platforms as large bursts of smoke pour on them. A sign behind them reads HAPPY 50TH BIRTHDAY CHIEF. As the smoke finishes, the sign reads HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY CHIEF. Andy and Nitro crouch nude on their platforms — ala the opening of The Terminator. Chief walks in.]
Chief: Welcome to the past boys. We’ve been expecting you.
Spaceship: Chief, you look exactly the same.
Chief: Come with me if you want to live.
INT. NBC BASEMENT[Spaceship, Nitro and Chief scan the hallway in step.]
Chief: The central hive is just ahead. We have to destroy the eggs before they hatch.[A CREAKING SCREAM comes from afar. The men turn around. An oversized laser cat, someone in a large cat uniform, menaces towards them.]
Nitro: Blast it![Spaceship and Nitro fire. The cat claws their arsenal and the debris becomes regular kittens. It claws Chiefs stomach. Chief drops to the floor and spews white fluid from his mouth as wires are exposed out of his stomach.]
Spaceship: He’s a robot. No wonder he never aged![The cat advances towards both men. Its mouth opens and a smaller cat lunges – – ala Alien3. Both are trembling. ELLEN RIPLEY appears armed with a “lion flamethrower”, a plush lion doll superimposed with poorly composed CGI flames.]
Ripley: Get away from her you bitch!
Ripley: Believe it or not.[Ripley “fires” flames after flame at the large laser cat to success. Spaceship and Nitro gaze at Ripley in awe.]
Ripley: Come with me if you want to live.
INT. STUDIO 8H UPPER AUDIENCE AREA[Spaceship, Nitro, and Ripley tip-toe around the seats.]
Nitro: Laser bats![All three of them fire at the “laser bats” rubber bats on strings shooting lasers.]
INT. LORNE’S OFFICE – NIGHT[Lorne views the tape glum and insulted. Andy, Bill, and Cameron view his reaction.]
James Cameron: Game changing.[Andy and Bill high-five each other.]
INT. STUDIO 8H UPPER AUDIENCE AREA.[The intense laser fire overwhelms Spaceship, who has been hit. Spaceship screams and falls over the railing. A WIDE SHOT reveals his fall to be a dummy dressed in his clothes. Nitro extends his hand but fails.]
Nitro: NO-OO-OO-OO!![Ripley grabs Nitro by the face.]
Ripley: He’s gone! We’ve got to move on!
Nitro: Okay.[Nitro and Ripley exit. Spaceship lands hard on the floor.]
Spaceship: My legs! I’ll never walk again.[Spaceship’s paralyzed from the waist down. He observes a far off door, obvious to the viewer the doors completely elsewhere, with a handwritten sign reading AVATAR ROOM.]
Spaceship: Avatar Room!?
INT. NBC BASEMENT ANOTHER SECTION[Nitro and Ripley proceed with caution.]
Nitro: Thanks for the save back there.
Ripley: Save the love letters, kid. Well be lucky to get out of here alive. Speaking of which[The entire floors covered in shoeboxes adorned in silly string.]
Nitro: Yahtzee! These are the laser kitten eggs!
Ripley: And their about to hatch![Various kittens pop out of the shoeboxes shooting lasers.]
INT. ANDY SAMBERGS DRESSING ROOM[Spaceship trudges onto a couch and lastly lifts his legs on it. He pulls a piece of sheet metal over his face with a handwritten sign reading AVATAR MACHINE.] [CLOSE UP: TOILET WATER FLUSHING]
INT. NBC BASEMENT ANOTHER SECTION[Nitro and Ripley are manically firing at the kittens.]
Nitro: Im all out of ammo!
Ripley: Me too. It looks like this was a one-way ticket, kemosabe.[Both hold hands and squeeze. Spaceship, appearing as a Navi tribal warrior from Avatar, swings in on a tree vine screaming.]
Spaceship (NAVI): Nitro! Hit me![Ripley tosses her flamethrower.]
Ripley: Quickly! Make the connection![Spaceship takes his hair braid and connects it to the tail of the plush lion. The lions eyes glow crimson red and Spaceship fires large, particle waves at the laser kittens.]
Ripley: Hes using the power of nature![Spaceship bares his fanged teeth at the laser kittens.]
Spaceship (NAVI): Ripley! Nitro! Get behind me quickly. I am not joking around. This is serious.[A 1912 ORCHESTRA is seated before all the shoeboxes.]
Conductor: Were staying.[The entire area explodes.]
INT. ENGINEER ROOM[Spaceship, back to regular form and injury-free, and Nitro are standing on the platforms. Ripleys between them.]
Ripley: Good job, boys. You finally rid the world of laser cats. Nitro thanks for being my wingman.[Nitro places his right index finger on Ripleys lips.]
Nitro: Save the love letters, kid.[Both lean in for a kiss. Ripley vomits white fluid. A plush kitten covered in green slime bursts out of her stomach. The boys are teleported back to 3048.]
Female (V/O): Welcome back to the present where laser cats still exist.[The boys sigh.] [SUPER: THE END]
INT. LORNES OFFICE NIGHT[The tape ends.]
James Cameron: I gotta say, this movie combined with “Avatar, could make a billion dollars.
Lorne Michaels: Get out.
James Cameron: No, Im serious
Lorne Michaels: No, I mean get out of my office now.
James Cameron: Oh[Andy and Bill exit with the equipment. Camerons a step behind then turns to back to Lorne.]
James Cameron: What if I were to offer you some unobtanium?
Lorne Michaels: No.
James Cameron: Its really hard to get
Lorne Michaels: No.[Cameron shrugs then exits.]
Submitted by: Cody Downs