SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 01/30/10: Bar


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble


Tarkey Fensington…..Will Forte
Bartender…..Bobby Moynihan
Resdin Bonure…..Jon Hamm

[ open on interior, bar ]

Tarkey Fensington: A gin and tonic, please.

Bartender: Gin and tonic, on the way.

Resdin Bonure: [ holding up his glass ] Gin and tonic. A hell of a drink.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah. I’m not gay.

Resdin Bonure: [ stunned ] I’m not either, bro.

Tarkey Fensington: Oh.

Resdin Bonure: Cheers.

Tarkey Fensington: Sorry.

[ they toast their glasses ]

Tarkey Fensington: It’s been a long day.

Resdin Bonure: None taken.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah. I, uh, I didn’t say “No offense.”

Resdin Bonure: [ nodding ] None taken.

[ they sip their drinks quietly ]

Resdin Bonure: You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

Tarkey Fensington: No. Probably not.

Resdin Bonure: Where did you go to high school?

Tarkey Fensington: Salt Lake City. Pleasant Valley Beavers?

Resdin Bonure: No. I’m from Israel. Jerusalem Tigers.

Tarkey Fensington: I guess not, then.

Resdin Bonure: No, I-I-I know you from somewhere! Are you on TV?

Tarkey Fensington: No, I’m on a bar stool.

Resdin Bonure: That’s a really good joke! [ laughing ] So, seriously — how do I know you? [ it suddenly hits him ] Wait a second… You’re the freakin’ CLOSET ORGANIZER guy, aren’t you? Oh, my God! That’s you, right! From the commercial! The blue suit!

Tarkey Fensington: [ somewhat ashamed ] That’s me…

Resdin Bonure: [ impressed ] Your hair kind of threw me!

Tarkey Fensington: I’m not wearing the hat…

Resdin Bonure: I can’t believe I’m talking to the Closet Organizer guy!

Tarkey Fensington: I — I have a name.

Resdin Bonure: Oh! I’m sorry. Uh —

Tarkey Fensington: Tarkey. Tarket Fensington.

[ they shake hands ]

Resdin Bonure: Tarkey. I’m… Resdin Bonure. It’s a real honor. A real honor. I know you probably get this all the time, but, uh — [ he motions his hands, afraid to ask ] Could you do a little of it for me?

Tarkey Fensington: I don’t know, I —

Resdin Bonure: Oh, come on. Please?

Tarkey Fensington: Fine.

[ he mimes catching stray objects and tossing then further into the closet ]

Resdin Bonure: [ laughing ] Socks! Marbles! Pies, pies, pies!! That’s so awesome! How about that? Thank you! Oh, man… Hey! You wanna head over to my place, maybe we can watch “The Office” or something?

Tarkey Fensington: I don’t know…

Resdin Bonure: Oh, come on! It’ll be fun. We can order a pizza, drink some beer — it’ll be fun.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah, okay… maybe.

Resdin Bonure: You know — we could play some video games, you know — maybe after, we could, uh.. [ quietly ] organize my closet.

Tarkey Fensington: [ fuming ] There it is! Thanks, Resdin.

Resdin Bonure: What?

Tarkey Fensington: I’m not gonna help you organize your closet! Okay?

Resdin Bonure: Hey — whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m just joking.

Tarkey Fensington: Well, it wasn’t funny!

Resdin Bonure: I’m sorry.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah! You are sorry! You don’t know what it’s like to be ME, okay?! Every time somebody tries to buy you a drink, or wants to be your friend, or wants to make love to you… you have to ask yourself, “Are they doing this because you’re Tarkey Fensington?” Or because you’re… [ miming his commercial ] “Pies! Socks! Marbles!”

Resdin Bonure: [ embarrassed ] I-I-I-I had no idea…

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah. No, you didn’t. [ he leaves his tip on the bar ] Goodbye Resdin. I hope you die tonight

[ he exits the bar ]

Bartender: Heyyyy! Was that the Closet Organizer guy?

Resdin Bonure: No, that was Tark — [ can’t remember his exact name ] Yeah, that was the Closet Organizer.

Bartender: Yeah. Nice.

[ the Bartender continues to wipe the counter ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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