Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 13
Bar
Tarkey Fensington…..Will Forte
Bartender…..Bobby Moynihan
Resdin Bonure…..Jon Hamm
[ open on interior, bar ]
Tarkey Fensington: A gin and tonic, please.
Bartender: Gin and tonic, on the way.
Resdin Bonure: [ holding up his glass ] Gin and tonic. A hell of a drink.
Tarkey Fensington: Yeah. I’m not gay.
Resdin Bonure: [ stunned ] I’m not either, bro.
Tarkey Fensington: Oh.
Resdin Bonure: Cheers.
Tarkey Fensington: Sorry.
[ they toast their glasses ]
Tarkey Fensington: It’s been a long day.
Resdin Bonure: None taken.
Tarkey Fensington: Yeah. I, uh, I didn’t say “No offense.”
Resdin Bonure: [ nodding ] None taken.
[ they sip their drinks quietly ]
Resdin Bonure: You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?
Tarkey Fensington: No. Probably not.
Resdin Bonure: Where did you go to high school?
Tarkey Fensington: Salt Lake City. Pleasant Valley Beavers?
Resdin Bonure: No. I’m from Israel. Jerusalem Tigers.
Tarkey Fensington: I guess not, then.
Resdin Bonure: No, I-I-I know you from somewhere! Are you on TV?
Tarkey Fensington: No, I’m on a bar stool.
Resdin Bonure: That’s a really good joke! [ laughing ] So, seriously — how do I know you? [ it suddenly hits him ] Wait a second… You’re the freakin’ CLOSET ORGANIZER guy, aren’t you? Oh, my God! That’s you, right! From the commercial! The blue suit!
Tarkey Fensington: [ somewhat ashamed ] That’s me…
Resdin Bonure: [ impressed ] Your hair kind of threw me!
Tarkey Fensington: I’m not wearing the hat…
Resdin Bonure: I can’t believe I’m talking to the Closet Organizer guy!
Tarkey Fensington: I — I have a name.
Resdin Bonure: Oh! I’m sorry. Uh —
Tarkey Fensington: Tarkey. Tarket Fensington.
[ they shake hands ]
Resdin Bonure: Tarkey. I’m… Resdin Bonure. It’s a real honor. A real honor. I know you probably get this all the time, but, uh — [ he motions his hands, afraid to ask ] Could you do a little of it for me?
Tarkey Fensington: I don’t know, I —
Resdin Bonure: Oh, come on. Please?
Tarkey Fensington: Fine.
[ he mimes catching stray objects and tossing then further into the closet ]
Resdin Bonure: [ laughing ] Socks! Marbles! Pies, pies, pies!! That’s so awesome! How about that? Thank you! Oh, man… Hey! You wanna head over to my place, maybe we can watch “The Office” or something?
Tarkey Fensington: I don’t know…
Resdin Bonure: Oh, come on! It’ll be fun. We can order a pizza, drink some beer — it’ll be fun.
Tarkey Fensington: Yeah, okay… maybe.
Resdin Bonure: You know — we could play some video games, you know — maybe after, we could, uh.. [ quietly ] organize my closet.
Tarkey Fensington: [ fuming ] There it is! Thanks, Resdin.
Resdin Bonure: What?
Tarkey Fensington: I’m not gonna help you organize your closet! Okay?
Resdin Bonure: Hey — whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m just joking.
Tarkey Fensington: Well, it wasn’t funny!
Resdin Bonure: I’m sorry.
Tarkey Fensington: Yeah! You are sorry! You don’t know what it’s like to be ME, okay?! Every time somebody tries to buy you a drink, or wants to be your friend, or wants to make love to you… you have to ask yourself, “Are they doing this because you’re Tarkey Fensington?” Or because you’re… [ miming his commercial ] “Pies! Socks! Marbles!”
Resdin Bonure: [ embarrassed ] I-I-I-I had no idea…
Tarkey Fensington: Yeah. No, you didn’t. [ he leaves his tip on the bar ] Goodbye Resdin. I hope you die tonight
[ he exits the bar ]
Bartender: Heyyyy! Was that the Closet Organizer guy?
Resdin Bonure: No, that was Tark — [ can’t remember his exact name ] Yeah, that was the Closet Organizer.
Bartender: Yeah. Nice.
[ the Bartender continues to wipe the counter ]
[ fade ]
