Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 13
William Barnes…..Jon Hamm
G. Clifford Noble…..Bill Hader
Male Announcer: You’re watching CNBC. The “C” stands for the “C” word. Up next: it’s “American Enterprise, chronicling the history of great American businesses.[ dissolve to show graphics ]
Female Announcer: This week, we look at the success story of American entrepreneurs Barnes & Noble. This great American company was founded in New York City by William Barnes and G. Clifford Noble, two men with a simple dream.[ dissolve to William Barnes reading in a leather chair, as G. Clifford Noble steps forward ]
G. Clifford Noble: Hello, Barnes.
William Barnes: [ stands to shake Noble’s hand ] Hello, my dear Noble![ SUPER: “Historical Reenactment, New York City, 1917” ]
G. Clifford Noble: Barnes… I’ve been thinking that this city is lacking… something.
William Barnes: I’ve been thinking the same thing.
G. Clifford Noble: There are places where you can buy grain…
William Barnes: And places where you can buy grog…
G. Clifford Noble: But we need a place that serves a community!
William Barnes: And enriches the soul!
G. Clifford Noble: Yes! My dear Barnes, we need to build a place… where homeless people can go to the bathroom!
William Barnes: That’s exactly what I was thinking!
G. Clifford Noble: A huge building with an unlocked bathroom, where homeless people can drop their pants and just GO TO TOWN!
William Barnes: Where they won’t have to ask or buy anything — they can just GO!
G. Clifford Noble: Yes. And regular people can go to the bathroom there, too.
William Barnes: Yes, yes — if they’re desperate! If they’ve been walking around all day drinking coffee and they aggressively have to go to the bathroom!
G. Clifford Noble: Indeed. Noble, my friend, this is a capitol idea![ they shake on it ] [ dissolve to sketches of the first Barnes & Noble Homeless Bathroom building ]
Female Announcer: And, so, the first Barnes & Noble opened in 1917. It was a rousing success. In order to pay for the massive daily clean-up, however, Barnes & Noble needed to sell a product — [ quickly ] and they chose books![ dissolve to show graphics ]
Female Announcer: Thank you for joining us on this episode of “American Enterprise”. For CNBC, this whole time, I’ve been Madonna. Good night.[ fade ]