Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 13
Harry Reid…..Will Forte
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Robert Byrd…..Bill Hader
Barbara Boxer…..Nasim Pedrad
Barney Frank…..Fred Armisen
Scott Brown…..Jon Hamm
[ open on Sen. Harry Reid’s office ]
Sen. Harry Reid: Thank you all for coming. As you know, this election in Massachusetts has really thrown a monkey wrench into our plans for health care reform, which is a shame because, before the Massachusetts election, us Democrats were really getting things done.[ everyone agrees ]
Sen. Harry Reid: Now, the Democratic party needs to adjust its legislative agenda. That’s why I’ve invited our senior party leadership here today: Speaker Pelosi… [ she grins ] Senator Robert Byrd…
Sen. Robert Byrd: [ dazed ] Huh?
Sen. Harry Reid: Senator Barbara Boxer… [ she nods ] and Congressman Barney Frank.
Barney Frank: This meeting is long overdue!
Sen. Harry Reid: Look, we’re in crisis mode and, thanks to this Scott Brown fellow, we’ve lost our supermajority.
Nancy Pelosi: It’s hard to believe this one guy could jeopardize our entire legislative agenda.
Barney: Some pretty boy who drives a truck and showed his hiney in “Cosmo”?
Sen. Robert Byrd: Everyone is acting like he’s the second coming of Douglas Fairbanks!
Sen. Barbara Boxer: Frankly, I don’t see what the appeal is.[ suddenly, Scott Brown bursts into the room ]
Scott Brown: Hello?
Sen. Harry Reid: May I help you?
Scott Brown: Yeah. Sorry. Uh, I must have the wrong office. [ he laughs ] I’m still getting used to the lay of the land, here. I’m new!
Sen. Barbara Boxer: Wait a second, are you — ?
Scott Brown: Senator Scott Brown. But, uh — [ he smiles ] you can call me “Scott”. [ he winks at the camera, then exits ]
Sen. Barbara Boxer: I will. Scott.
Sen. Harry Reid: All right, uh, let’s get back to health care. Now, if we’re going to get this bill passed in the next six months —[ Boxer begins to indulge in a fantasy of Scott Brown dressed as a topless doctor ]
Scott Brown: Oh, hi, Barbara. How’s your health care plan going? You know, I’m against the public option but I can offer you a pubic option. Because I just found a lump… in my underpants.
Sen. Barbara Boxer: [ seductively ] I think I’d better take a look at that!
Sen. Harry Reid: Uh, Senator Boxer? Senator Boxer, are you listening?
Sen. Barbara Boxer: [ coming to ] Yes. Sorry, Senator.
Nancy Pelosi: All right, all right. Let’s get serious, folks. We can’t let Scott Brown derail our agenda.[ suddenly, Scott Brown bursts into the room again ]
Scott Brown: Oh, sorry, uh — whoops! Wrong door again. Sorry. I was looking for the bathroom.
Nancy Pelosi: Down the hall, to the right.
Scott Brown: Oh! Thanks, Speaker Pelosi. And, let me just say, I’m looking forward to working… closely with you. [ he winks at the camera, then exits ]
Nancy Pelosi: [ curious ] Closely?
Sen. Harry Reid: Okay, let’s talk economy. With this new spending freeze, job creation is going to be harder than ever —
Scott Brown: Hey there, Nancy, you’re the Speaker of the House? [ Pelosi nods, smiling ] Well, I hope you’re a screamer in the bedroom. [ Pelosi nods, smiling ] I want to introduce something to the floor — it’s called… your panties.
Nancy Pelosi: Oohh! Mama like!
Sen. Harry Reid: Speaker Pelosi!
Nancy Pelosi: [ dazed ] What?
Barney Frank: Did you just say “Mama like”?
Nancy Pelosi: No. I said, uh… “Obama-like.” I like Obama… because… he’s Hawaiian.
Sen. Harry Reid: Why is everyone so distracted today?[ suddenly, Scott Brown bursts into the room again ]
Scott Brown: Oh, what? No way! This office again? I’m sorry. This building is like a maze! I was looking for the cafeteria.
Barney Frank: Second floor!
Scott Brown: Thanks, Barney! And, I just want to say, if we’re going to effect real change in his country, we have to put partisan politics behind us and be open-minded.Trust me, I am open to anything. [ he winks twice at the camera, then exits ] [ Barney Frank begins to salivate ]
Sen. Harry Reid: All right. Now, we need to —
Barney Frank: Shut up, shut up, shut up! I’m trying to imagine something, hold on![ Barney Frank begins to indulge in a fantasy of Scott Brown dressed as a construction worker ]
Scott Brown: Hey, Barney! You worried about a filibuster? Because I’m about to “filibust” out of these jean shorts![ Barney Frank extends his fingers to pinch fantasy Scott Brown’s butt ]
Barney Frank: Come here, you! [ he giggles ]
Sen. Harry Reid: Congressman! What are you doing?!
Barney Frank: [ regaining his composure ] Nothing.[ suddenly, Scott Brown bursts into the room again ]
Scott Brown: Oh, wow! Sorry. Can you believe this? First day on the job, and I spill chili all over my shirt.
Sen. Barbara Boxer: Oh, you’d better take off your shirt.
Nancy Pelosi: Take mine! [ she begins to unbutton her shirt ]
Sen. Robert Byrd: All right, enough! Enough! Let’s see what all the fuss is about. [ he puts his glasses on ] [ Scott Brown winks twice at Byrd and shoots a finger-pistol ] [ Byrd begins to indulge in a fantasy of a black-and-white Scott Brown dressed as a 1920’s flapper ]
Sen. Robert Byrd: My word! I do believe I’m having a revelry!
Sen. Harry Reid: All right, all right! That’s enough! We are representatives of the United States of America! Now, are we going to focus on running this country, or are we going to waste our time thinking about Scott Brown?
Everyone: We’re going to think about Scott Brown![ they all stand up to dance ] [ fade ]