SNL Transcripts: Jon Hamm: 01/30/10: Game Time with Randy and Greg

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

Game Time with Randy and Greg

Randy Dukes…..Kenan Thompson
Greg…..Bill Hader
Frank Rack…..Jon Hamm
Greg Clones…..Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Bryan Tucker, Michael Patrick O’Brien

[ title card ] [ dissolve to sports talk show set, featuring a jovial Randy seated next to a near-catatonic Greg ]

Randy Dukes: Hello, and welcome to another edition of “Game Time with Randy and Greg”, your one-stop shop for sports talk! I’m former NFL running back Randy Dukes… and, with me, as always, is my co-host Greg — [ quickly ] Greg is not an alien! And, today, we’re gonna be talking about — what else?: The Super Bowl.


Randy Dukes: Okay! First caller is Rick from Passaic. What’s on your mind today?

Caller #1: Yeah, I just wanted to say that that Colts game was amazing! I told all my friends that Peyton Manning would bide his time, and then taken them down!

Randy Dukes: [ laughing ] You’re the man, Rick!


Caller #1: Also, I’m a first time caller, so, I don’t know if anyone has ever mentioned it, but… that guy, Greg, is an alien, right? Like, from outer space?

Randy Dukes: No. Greg is NOT an alien!

[ Greg emits a high-piercing shriek ]

Caller #1: Nah, he is. And, look, if you want to hide it so bad, Why don’t you just give him eyebrows?

Randy Dukes: Look, we tried! I-I mean… Never mind! Uh — let’s just hold all further calls and, uh, move on to our guest: Indianapolis quarterback coach Frank Rack. Greg had a chance to catch up with Frank after the Colts’ win on Sunday. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to videotaped interview between Greg and Rack ]

Frank Rack: Yeah, well, Greg — Peyton got some real clear head there in the game. I was real proud of him, but, uh, we can’t really rest on our laurels. In a couple of weeks, we’re gonna have to face some real, tough —

[ suddenly, Greg lunges at Rack, and the video feed is lost ]

Randy Dukes: Well — well, that was bad. Uh — let’s welcome to the show, quarterback coach Frank Rack.

[ cut to Greg with a now-doppleganger Rack seated next to him ]

Randy Dukes: Oh, boy… alright, uh, let’s take a call. Tommy from Canarsie, what’s your question for Coach Rack?

Caller #2: Yeah, hey — uh, yeah — I had a question for him, but, uh, it looks like Greg transformed him into an alien.

Randy Dukes: [ shaking his head ] Look — Greg is NOT an alien! Alright? And neither is Coach Rack!

Caller #2: Then, why do they both have tails?

[ Greg and Rack chant “Greg! Greg!” as their tails sway back and forth behind their chairs ]

Randy Dukes: STOP IT!! [ he chuckles nervously ] We’re talking about football! This is, uh — this is a sports show, okay? Next caller, uh — Pete from Livingston!

Caller #3: Hey!

Randy Dukes: Hey!

Caller #3: Greg’s an alien!

Randy Dukes: GODDAMMIT!!

Caller #3: Also, I say there’s no way The Saints can stop Peyton Manning. What do the Gregs think?

[ cut to Greg and Rack studying a desk globe ]

Caller #3: Ohhhh, that’s not good. They’re talking about doing stuff to the Earth! That’s classic alien!

Randy Dukes: [ flustered as hell ] GREG IS NOT AN ALIEN!!! And they’re not gonna do ANYTHING to the Earth! See? Watch this! [ he pulls the globe away from Greg and Rack, as they shriek ] Oh, no! Shh!! Shh!! Here! Okay! Okay, take it back! [ he returns the globe ]

Caller #3: Anyway, I love this show — but it’s Colts all the way, baby! Oh, and, uh, by the way — there’s four Gregs now.

[ reveal Greg, Rack, and two more clones standing behind them ]

Randy Dukes: Oh, come on!!


Caller #3: Oh, I see what’s happening: They figured out how to multiply!

Randy Dukes: Huh? Okay, w-w-w-we’re talking Colts vs. Saints, okay? And — and — no one’s multiplying!

Caller #3: There’s eight now.

[ reveal Greg, Rack, and six more clones standing behind them, all chanting “Greg!” ]

Randy Dukes: [ weeping ] Okay, well… that’s the show. So, to recap: Super Bowl fever… Colts vs. Saints… who’s gonna win…?

[ suddenly, Greg jumps up from below frame and shrieks at the camera ] [ the video feed is lost once more ] [ fade ]

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