Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 13
An SNL Digital Short
[Opens with a yuppie getting out of an elegant car, talking on the phone]
Yuppie: Uh-huh, yeah, no, I hear what you’re saying Bradley but if she wants to play in the big leagues, she’s going to have to get her hands dirty…
[Yuppie steps on artifact on the sidewalk, a homeless gypsy startles him]
Gypsy: You! You break the sacred talisman.
Yuppie: Maybe you shouldn’t left it lying in the street.
Gypsy: You pay me!
Yuppie: Kiss my ass.
[Gypsy chants gibberish, wind blows, sky darkens]
Gypsy: Sergio! I curse you.
Yuppie: Nice try, buddy. [on the phone] Anyways….[leaves]
[Gypsy gives a maniacal laughter. Cut to an office building, the yuppie is giving a business presentation to a bunch of executives]
Yuppie: Hi, guys. I know numbers are down but if you just apply this system I promise you we’re gonna see revenue sky-rocket. We’re gonna go….
[Winds blows and a shirtless man with a ponytail playing the saxophone bursts through the wall into the meeting, smoke arises, the old executives dig the sax player and dance with him, he shakes his hips while playing the sax.]
Yuppie: Guys, guys? Marcy? Steve?
[Sax guy whips head around]
[cut to the yuppie’s apartment at night, romantic evening, he drinks with his girlfriend]
Girlfriend: So, he just came through the wall?
Yuppie: Yeah, it was crazy. There you go. [glass of wine] You look dazzling.
[They go for a kiss and the wind blows, it gets dark and Sergio explodes through the apartment wall, smoke arises, Sergio plays the saxophone while shaking his hips, the girlfriend gets up and joins Sergio dancing around. Sergio whips his head around]
[cut to a shrink’s office, the yuppie lies down on the patient’s couch]
Yuppie: I know it sounds crazy but I’m starting to genuinely believe I’ve been cursed by a homeless man.
Psychiatrist: How do you mean?
Yuppie: I broke this trinket and now every time I feel a gust of wind this crazy, sexy sax-guy comes bursting through the wall.
Psychiatrist: So, this are daydreams?
Yuppie: No, I think its actually happening. [winds blows] Oh, no. Not again!
[Psychiatrist closes the window]
Psychiatrist: Oh, sorry. It was a little stuffy in here and I thought I give the window a crack.
Yuppie: [relieved] Oh, no problem.
Psychiatrist: So, where were we?
[Sergio bursts through the wall again. Smoke arises, he plays the sax and the girlfriend still dances around him, he shakes his hips, whips head around]
[Yuppie runs in the streets mentally spent, he mumbles, finds the gypsy and gets down on his knees]
Yuppie: You! Please, you have to make it stop!
Gypsy: No! You made your choice. You would not pay!
[Yuppie pays the gypsy]
Yuppie: I’ll pay anything! Please, just lift up the curse!
Gypsy: All right. I will help you. Take this. [gives the little trinket] Mend it. Hang it over your bed. Keep it safe. It will protect you forever.
Yuppie: I will, I will. Thank you, thank you.
[Yuppie mends the trinket and puts it on a nail above his bed]
Caption: 5 years later
[Yuppie runs down a hospital hall with his pregnant wife on a wheelchair]
Yuppie: Hey, just hang on honey. You’re doing great.
Doctor: Nurse! Ready the birthing room!
[cut to the birthing room, wife is in labor]
Yuppie: That’s it. You’re doing great. Just hang in there. I love you.
Wife: I love you too. Oh, by the way, earlier today I accidently knocked your good luck trinket on the floor. [shows the trinket, wind blows] I didn’t know that it fell and I stepped on it really, really hard and I broke it. Sorry, don’t be mad…AAAAHHHH!!!! GOD!!!!
Doctor: Just stay calm and push.
Doctor: Here it comes!
[Segio bursts out of the vagina covered in slimy afterbirth playing the sax, shaking his hips, smoke arises. Yuppie screams, wife screams, doctor screams, Sergio whips his head around]
[screen goes black]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel