SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 02/06/10

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14


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Air Date:

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Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

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February 6th, 2010

Ashton Kutcher

Them Crooked Vultures

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On the Record with Greta SusterenSummary: Greta Van Susteren (Kristen Wiig) discusses the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy with Karl Rove (Bobby Moynihan), Oliver North (Will Forte), Robert Gibbs (Bill Hader) and an Attractive Blonde Lady (Abby Elliott).

Recurring Characters: Greta Van Susteren, Karl Rove, Glenn Beck.

Montage

Ashton Kutcher’s MonologueSummary: Ashton Kutcher tries to demonstrate his newfound maturity, but can’t resist the random awesomeness of a dog on a surfboard, dancing old ladies (Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad, Jenny Slate) and other temptations.

Gertrude’s WillSummary: Angel the pool boy (Ashton Kutcher) expects a big payoff after 110-year old Gertrude’s death, but only ends up with pool privileges and chlamydia.

Transcript

The ViewSummary: Barbara Walters (Nasim Pedrad) and her subservient co-hosts discuss the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, then rush through an interview with Mel Gibson (Ashton Kutcher).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Elizabeth Hasselback, Mel Gibson.

Cialis for ThreewaysSummary: The male enhancement aid with room for one more.

Transcript

Slave BoySummary: Roman king (Will Forte) enjoys having grapes fed to him by his slave boy (Ashton Kutcher).

Them Crooked Vultures perform “Mind Eraser, No Chaser”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Liam, the teenager who just woke up (Andy Samberg), is insufficiently refreshed to perform a political commentary about the federal budget. Eliot Spitzer (Bill Hader) reads Valentine’s Day cards. Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson) jokes about the European financial crisis. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) are insufficiently prepared to perform Valentine’s Day songs.

Recurring Characters: Eliot Spitzer, Jean K. Jean, Garth, Kat.

What is Burn Notice?Summary: The game show’s lone question yields confusing results from its contestants who have never seen the show.

Transcript

Access HollywoodSummary: Billy Bush (Ashton Kutcher) and Anne Hathaway (Abby Elliott) enjoy the endless spiel of Oscar nominations for Best Picture.

Recurring Characters: Billy Bush.

An Even-Tempered Apology From White House Chief of Staff, Rahm EmanuelSummary: Rahm Emanuel (Andy Samberg) spews expletives in response to Sarah Palin’s response to his use of the word “retarded”.

Recurring Characters: Rahm Emanuel.

Transcript

Them Crooked Vultures perform “New Fang”

Crisis of ConformitySummary: Former punk rock bandmates (Fred Armisen, Ashton Kutcher, Dave Grohl, Bill Hader) reunite at the wedding of one of their daughters.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

TooterSummary: Ashton Kutcher promotes the electronic device that allows all his devoted though misguided fans to follow his every fart.

Transcript

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