SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 02/06/10: What is Burn Notice?

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

What is Burn Notice?

Shelly Brick…..Jason Sudeikis
Lucy Madison…..Kristen Wiig
Carl Hubbly…..Will Forte
Ted Mitchell…..Ashton Kutcher
Judges…..Bill Hader, Bobby Moynihan, Jenny Slate

[ open on game show set ]

Announcer: It’s time, once again, for the game show that has America asking the question:

Audience: [ as words appear on screen ] “WHAT!! IS!! BURN!! NOTICE!!”

[ game show host runs onstage ]

Shelly Brick: Hello, everyone! I’m your host, Shelly Brick, and welcome to “What is… Burn Notice”. Let’s meet our contestants. She’s an accountant from Phoenix: Lucy Madison; he’s a contractor from San Diego: Carl Hubbly; and he’s a chiropractor from Torrence: Ted Mitchell. Welcome, everybody. Well, the game is easy. All you have to do is tell me something — anything — that you know about the highly-rated USA Network television show “Burn Notice”. Here’s your first question: [ he reads dramatically from his card ] “What is “Burn Notice”?” [ Lucy chimes in ] Lucy?

Lucy Madison: Yeah, uh — “Burn Notice” is a show… about… uh, a handsome fireman?

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No. No, that is incorrect. Remember: it’s the eighth highest-rated show on cable. [ he shrugs ] But just what is “Burn Notice”? [ Carl chimes in ] Carl?

Carl Hubbly: It’s about a sexy doctor who can start fires with his mind.

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: Very good try. Very good try, but no. No. It’s entering its fourth season. [ he holds up four fingers and waits ] People love it. [ he looks at his card ] “What is “Burn Notice”?” [ Ted chimes in ] Ted?

Ted Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I… know it’s on USA —

Shelly Brick: Mmm-hmm?

Ted Mitchell: And I know that characters are welcome there. Sooooo… it’s a show about… characters.

Shelly Brick: Can you be more specific?

Ted Mitchell: No.

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: Sorry. I will remind you that “Burn Notice” is a highly popular program that the New York Post calls: [ reading ] “A lot of fun.” [ he smiles ] But what is it? Alright, let’s see if this visual clue is any help — it’s a commercial for “Burn Notice”. Take a look.

[ various clips of Miami, bikinis, “Everybody Wants You” soundtrack, etc. ] [ the contestants are stumped ]

Shelly Brick: Anything? Who can tell me literally anything about this immensely popular television show? [ Lucy chimes in ] Yes?

Lucy Madison: Is it… a reality show…? About… sunglasses?

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No.

[ Carl chimes in ]

Carl Hubbly: Is it kind of like “NCIS”?

Shelly Brick: [ hopeful ] Okay — in what way?

Carl Hubbly: [ shaking his head ] I don’t know.

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No. No… [ Ted chimes in ] Yes?

Ted Mitchell: I know! Uhhhh — this is what they play on TVs at Best Buy, to show how good the picture is!

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No. No. I mean — no. As I said before, it’s an actual show… with actual viewers… who follow it and realy care about it. [ Carl chimes in ] Yes?

Carl Hubbly: Is it about the detective team of Michael Burn and Chet Notice?

Shelly Brick: No — that’s not bad. Judges, is that right?

[ cut to the three judges, who shrug without interest ]

Shelly Brick: Yeah! Yeah, they got no idea! Okay, uh — alright! You know, I’m still looking for any tidbit… about “Burn Notice”. THe show the Detroit Free Press called: [ reading ] “Charmingly irreverent.” [ Ted chimes in ] Yes?

Ted Mitchell: Are they in Miami?

[ a dinger goes off ]

Shelly Brick: [ looking around, curiously ] Oh! Oh, my God. I’ve never heard that sound before. You know, I think that means you are CORRECT!! This is alright I — I do not know what happens next, but, uh, I think we’re going to a Speed Round, or something! Where, maybe, we’ll all find out once and for all:

Audience: [ as words appear on screen ] “WHAT!! IS!! BURN!! NOTICE!!”

[ fade ]

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