SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 02/06/10: What is Burn Notice?


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

What is Burn Notice?

Shelly Brick…..Jason Sudeikis
Lucy Madison…..Kristen Wiig
Carl Hubbly…..Will Forte
Ted Mitchell…..Ashton Kutcher
Judges…..Bill Hader, Bobby Moynihan, Jenny Slate

[ open on game show set ]

Announcer: It’s time, once again, for the game show that has America asking the question:

Audience: [ as words appear on screen ] “WHAT!! IS!! BURN!! NOTICE!!”

[ game show host runs onstage ]

Shelly Brick: Hello, everyone! I’m your host, Shelly Brick, and welcome to “What is… Burn Notice”. Let’s meet our contestants. She’s an accountant from Phoenix: Lucy Madison; he’s a contractor from San Diego: Carl Hubbly; and he’s a chiropractor from Torrence: Ted Mitchell. Welcome, everybody. Well, the game is easy. All you have to do is tell me something — anything — that you know about the highly-rated USA Network television show “Burn Notice”. Here’s your first question: [ he reads dramatically from his card ] “What is “Burn Notice”?” [ Lucy chimes in ] Lucy?

Lucy Madison: Yeah, uh — “Burn Notice” is a show… about… uh, a handsome fireman?

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No. No, that is incorrect. Remember: it’s the eighth highest-rated show on cable. [ he shrugs ] But just what is “Burn Notice”? [ Carl chimes in ] Carl?

Carl Hubbly: It’s about a sexy doctor who can start fires with his mind.

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: Very good try. Very good try, but no. No. It’s entering its fourth season. [ he holds up four fingers and waits ] People love it. [ he looks at his card ] “What is “Burn Notice”?” [ Ted chimes in ] Ted?

Ted Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I… know it’s on USA —

Shelly Brick: Mmm-hmm?

Ted Mitchell: And I know that characters are welcome there. Sooooo… it’s a show about… characters.

Shelly Brick: Can you be more specific?

Ted Mitchell: No.

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: Sorry. I will remind you that “Burn Notice” is a highly popular program that the New York Post calls: [ reading ] “A lot of fun.” [ he smiles ] But what is it? Alright, let’s see if this visual clue is any help — it’s a commercial for “Burn Notice”. Take a look.

[ various clips of Miami, bikinis, “Everybody Wants You” soundtrack, etc. ] [ the contestants are stumped ]

Shelly Brick: Anything? Who can tell me literally anything about this immensely popular television show? [ Lucy chimes in ] Yes?

Lucy Madison: Is it… a reality show…? About… sunglasses?

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No.

[ Carl chimes in ]

Carl Hubbly: Is it kind of like “NCIS”?

Shelly Brick: [ hopeful ] Okay — in what way?

Carl Hubbly: [ shaking his head ] I don’t know.

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No. No… [ Ted chimes in ] Yes?

Ted Mitchell: I know! Uhhhh — this is what they play on TVs at Best Buy, to show how good the picture is!

[ buzzer ]

Shelly Brick: No. No. I mean — no. As I said before, it’s an actual show… with actual viewers… who follow it and realy care about it. [ Carl chimes in ] Yes?

Carl Hubbly: Is it about the detective team of Michael Burn and Chet Notice?

Shelly Brick: No — that’s not bad. Judges, is that right?

[ cut to the three judges, who shrug without interest ]

Shelly Brick: Yeah! Yeah, they got no idea! Okay, uh — alright! You know, I’m still looking for any tidbit… about “Burn Notice”. THe show the Detroit Free Press called: [ reading ] “Charmingly irreverent.” [ Ted chimes in ] Yes?

Ted Mitchell: Are they in Miami?

[ a dinger goes off ]

Shelly Brick: [ looking around, curiously ] Oh! Oh, my God. I’ve never heard that sound before. You know, I think that means you are CORRECT!! This is alright I — I do not know what happens next, but, uh, I think we’re going to a Speed Round, or something! Where, maybe, we’ll all find out once and for all:

Audience: [ as words appear on screen ] “WHAT!! IS!! BURN!! NOTICE!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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