SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 02/06/10: An Even-Tempered Apology From White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

An Even-Tempered Apology From White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel

Announcer…..Don Pardo
Rahm Emanuel…..Andy Samberg

[Open on title card]

Announcer: And now, an even-tempered apology from White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel.

[Dissolve to interior of Rahm Emanuel’s office, where Emanuel is sitting on his desk, addressing the camera]

Rahm Emanuel
[turns to camera two]

As for the progressive Democrats whom I used the term in reference to, I should never have called you that. What I should have called you are f**king BABIES! Stupid f**king babies who can’t keep their mouths shut! You went to The Wall Street Journal with this, you f**king turncoats?! The Wall Street Journal?! I’m trying to get s**t done here, and I know we’re not moving as fast as you want on health care, but maybe you noticed the Republicans are trying to paint us as Soviet crack dealers! I’ve already got them crawling up my ass, and now you want in too? I’ve got so many legislators in my colon, I need 60 votes just to take a s**t, so f**k you!

[turns back to camera one, now calmer than before]

I’d also like to personally apologize to Sarah Palin, who went on Facebook to criticize my comments and ask for my resignation. While my resignation will not be forthcoming, I hope the former governor can accept my humblest apologizes for my poor choice of words.

[Turns back to camera two]

So, now I’m waiting for your apology, you f**kin’ harpy! Or do you forget saying my brother, Zeke, supports death panels, and his philosophy was “downright evil”? Well, he’s a f**kin’ doctor whose dedicated his life to helping people, not a quitter who couldn’t finish dinner! So why don’t you stick to collecting checks for your stupid Tea Party speeches, you half-a-f**in’ politician? Also, you come after me on Facebook?! What are you, 14? Here’s a status update: GROW THE F**K UP! Poke me again, and I will write s**t on your wall so obscene, your computer will cry! Go back to the tundra, you f**kin’ gimmick!

[turns to a third camera, pointing to the camera]

I’m sorry, did you f**kin’ say something?

[The camera shakes no]

Are you sure?

[The camera nods yes] [threatening]: You better be sure.

[Turns back to camera one, calmer]

In conclusion: Boo-f**kin’-hoo. Get over it.

[Dissolve to title card amid audience cheering and applauding]

Announcer: This has been an even-tempered apology from White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel.

[Cut back to Emanuel’s office]

Rahm Emanuel: And also, Mel Gibson: Shut the f**k up!


Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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