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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 14
…..John Paul Jones
Gary Pundle…..Fred Armisen
Stefan Horkings…..Andy Samberg
Tooter Subscriber…..Jenny Slate
Office Worker…..Bobby Moynihan
FADE IN:[ SUPER: The following is a paid advertisement from Ashton Kutcher ] [ A montage of QUICK SHOTS shows Ashton Kutcher posing. ] [ SUPER: ENTREPREUNER. ACTOR. VISIONARY. ] [ Ashton is seated. ] [ SUPER: ASHTON KUTCHER, TWITTER ENTHUSIAST ]
Ashton Kutcher: Over the past year, Ive been given a lot of attention because of my involvement with Twitter. But recently, I started to feel like Twitter wasnt enough[ QUICK CUTS OF Ashton saying wasnt enough. ]
Ashton Kutcher: I wanted to give my followers total access.
Ashton Kutcher: They knew what was coming out of my mind, not what was coming out of my body. And thats why I developed the first flatulence networking system.[ SUPER: FLATULENCE NETWORKING SYSTEM ] [ Ashton faces the camera. ]
Ashton Kutcher: Tooter.[ GRAPHIC: TOOTER ] [ A well suited, British computer guru, GARY PUNDLE, is seated. ] [ SUPER: GARY PUNDLE, TOOTER BRAND MANAGER ]
Gary: Its really ingenious. Every time Ashton has a gastronomic emission, or a gission, its broadcast to millions of his followers from around the world. And theyre alerted with a distinctive ringtone.[ INT. OFFICE DAY ] [ A rotund OFFICE WORKER types at his desk when his passing gas ringtone alerts him. He picks up the phone and views the screen. It displays ASHTON KUTCHER TOOTED! ] [ COMPUTER ANIMATION shows a male body being outfitted on his backside. ]
Ashton Kutcher (V/O): The process is simple — I attach a receiving pad to the flesh side of my under bones, then I run a non-toxic wire up my seam, then plug it into my mobile device.[ BACK to ASHTON ]
Ashton Kutcher: Then I pretty much kick back and bust some ass.[ Lead singer of The Roots and bandleader of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon ?UESTLOVE is seated. ] [ SUPER: ?UESTLOVE, MUSICIAN & TWITTER USER ]
?uestlove: At first, when Ashton told me about this idea, I was against it. But now? Im still against it.
Ashton Kutcher: It was a good system, but it still wasnt capturing the essence of Ashton and a big part of that is smell.[ QUICK CUTS of Ashton saying smell three times. ] [ A young inventor in white lab coat, STEFAN HORKINGS, is seated. ] [ SUPER: STEFAN HORKINGS, DIGITAL ODOR INVENTOR ]
Stefan: Adding the smell at first was a challenge, but Ashton insisted[ The rotund office worker from earlier gets a smell ringtone from his phone. His puff of air blows his hair and hes aghast. ]
Stefan: The testing phase just sucked!
Gary: Tooter uses Micro Crystal Technology to translate the entire gamut of flatulent subtlety. Whether its
Gary (V/O): [SCROLL] SDBS, CHURCHHOUSE CREEPERS, CRUNCH FROGS, DRIFTERS, JIMMY BUFFETS CROOKED CAULIFLOWER COCKTAILS, LOW FLYING JETS, CRACK RATTLERS, SIMPLE PUTT-PUTTS, THE BOSSANOVA, PUMPERNICKEL SLAMMIES, ADVANCED PUTT-PUTTS, THUNDER DUMPLINGS, OR RIP TORNS.
Gary: We wanted everyone to experience Ashtons gissions in all their glorious shame.
Tooter Subscriber: I didnt realize what I was signing up for and Ive actually tried to unsubscribe a few times but I havent been able to. I like That 70s Show okay, but this, just seems invasive.[ ?uestlove listens to his Tooter ringtone and grimaces. ]
?uestlove: Ashtons been eating beans again.[ Ashton stares off and passes gas. ] [ INT. DRESSING ROOM DAY ] [ SUPER: THEM CROOKED VULTURES, SNL MUSICAL GUESTS ] [ THEM CROOKED VULTURES are relaxing on a couch. Josh Homme hears Dave Grohls ringtone go off. ]
Josh Homme: Dude, what is that smell?
Dave Grohl: Ashton Kutcher just farted again.
Josh Homme: Very cool.
John Paul Jones: I was in Led Zeppelin.[ BACK TO TESTIMONALS ] [ Stefans phone rings. ]
Stefan: Im sorry, Im going to take this.[ Stefan answers his phone. ]
Stefan: Hello?[ The sound of passing gas. ]
Stefan: Its a Kutcher Toot! Oh God!! Im gagging at the mouth!
Ashton Kutcher: So subscribe today. Tooter — Because Im that important.
Tooter Subscriber: Ashtons at McDonald’s.
Submitted by: Cody Downs