SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 02/06/10: Tooter

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14


09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Tooter

…..Ashton Kutcher
…..?uestlove
…..Dave Grohl
…..Josh Homme
…..John Paul Jones
Gary Pundle…..Fred Armisen
Stefan Horkings…..Andy Samberg
Tooter Subscriber…..Jenny Slate
Office Worker…..Bobby Moynihan

FADE IN:

[ SUPER: The following is a paid advertisement from Ashton Kutcher ] [ A montage of QUICK SHOTS shows Ashton Kutcher posing. ] [ SUPER: ENTREPREUNER. ACTOR. VISIONARY. ] [ Ashton is seated. ] [ SUPER: ASHTON KUTCHER, TWITTER ENTHUSIAST ]

Ashton Kutcher: Over the past year, I’ve been given a lot of attention because of my involvement with Twitter. But recently, I started to feel like Twitter wasn’t enough…

[ QUICK CUTS OF Ashton saying “wasn’t enough”. ]

Ashton Kutcher: I wanted to give my followers total access.

[ SUPER: TOTAL ACCESS ]

Ashton Kutcher: They knew what was coming out of my mind, not what was coming out of my body. And that’s why I developed the first flatulence networking system.

[ SUPER: FLATULENCE NETWORKING SYSTEM ] [ Ashton faces the camera. ]

Ashton Kutcher: Tooter.

[ GRAPHIC: TOOTER ] [ A well suited, British computer guru, GARY PUNDLE, is seated. ] [ SUPER: GARY PUNDLE, TOOTER BRAND MANAGER ]

Gary: It’s really ingenious. Every time Ashton has a gastronomic emission, or a “gission”, it’s broadcast to millions of his followers from around the world. And they’re alerted with a distinctive ringtone.

[ INT. OFFICE – DAY ] [ A rotund OFFICE WORKER types at his desk when his passing gas ringtone alerts him. He picks up the phone and views the screen. It displays ASHTON KUTCHER TOOTED! ] [ COMPUTER ANIMATION shows a male body being outfitted on his backside. ]

Ashton Kutcher (V/O): The process is simple — I attach a receiving pad to the flesh side of my under bones, then I run a non-toxic wire up my seam, then plug it into my mobile device.

[ BACK to ASHTON ]

Ashton Kutcher: Then I pretty much kick back and bust some ass.

[ Lead singer of The Roots and bandleader of “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” ?UESTLOVE is seated. ] [ SUPER: ?UESTLOVE, MUSICIAN & TWITTER USER ]

?uestlove: At first, when Ashton told me about this idea, I was against it. But now? I’m still against it.

Ashton Kutcher: It was a good system, but it still wasn’t capturing the essence of Ashton and a big part of that is smell.

[ QUICK CUTS of Ashton saying “smell” three times. ] [ A young inventor in white lab coat, STEFAN HORKINGS, is seated. ] [ SUPER: STEFAN HORKINGS, DIGITAL ODOR INVENTOR ]

Stefan: Adding the smell at first was a challenge, but Ashton insisted…

[ The rotund office worker from earlier gets a smell ringtone from his phone. His puff of air blows his hair and he’s aghast. ]

Stefan: The testing phase just sucked!

Gary: Tooter uses Micro Crystal Technology to translate the entire gamut of flatulent subtlety. Whether it’s…

Gary (V/O): [SCROLL] SDB’S, CHURCHHOUSE CREEPERS, CRUNCH FROGS, DRIFTERS, JIMMY BUFFET’S CROOKED CAULIFLOWER COCKTAILS, LOW FLYING JETS, CRACK RATTLERS, SIMPLE PUTT-PUTTS, THE BOSSANOVA, PUMPERNICKEL SLAMMIES, ADVANCED PUTT-PUTTS, THUNDER DUMPLINGS, OR RIP TORNS.

Gary: We wanted everyone to experience Ashton’s “gissions” in all their glorious shame.

[ EXT. ROCKEFELLER PLAZA – DAY ] [ A TOOTER SUBSCRIBER, young women in her 30’s, stands alone. ] [ SUPER: TOOTER SUBSCRIBER ]

Tooter Subscriber: I didn’t realize what I was signing up for and I’ve actually tried to unsubscribe a few times but I haven’t been able to. I like “That 70’s Show” okay, but this, just seems invasive.

[ ?uestlove listens to his Tooter ringtone and grimaces. ]

?uestlove: Ashton’s been eating beans again.

[ Ashton stares off and passes gas. ] [ INT. DRESSING ROOM – DAY ] [ SUPER: THEM CROOKED VULTURES, “SNL” MUSICAL GUESTS ] [ THEM CROOKED VULTURES are relaxing on a couch. Josh Homme hears Dave Grohl’s ringtone go off. ]

Josh Homme: Dude, what is that smell?

Dave Grohl: Ashton Kutcher just farted again.

Josh Homme: Very cool.

[ John Paul Jones stares sadly at the camera. ]

John Paul Jones: I was in Led Zeppelin.

[ BACK TO TESTIMONALS ] [ Stefan’s phone rings. ]

Stefan: I’m sorry, I’m going to take this.

[ Stefan answers his phone. ]

Stefan: Hello?

[ The sound of passing gas. ]

Stefan: It’s a Kutcher Toot! Oh God!! I’m gagging at the mouth!

Ashton Kutcher: So subscribe today. Tooter — Because I’m that important.

[ SUPER: BECAUSE I’M THAT IMPORTANT ] [ EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER – DAY ] [ The Tooter subscriber’s hair blows from the Toot she just received on her cell phone. ]

Tooter Subscriber: Ashton’s at McDonald’s.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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