SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 02/06/10: Crisis of Conformity


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Crisis of Conformity

Fred…..Fred Armisen
Madeline…..Abby Elliott
Groom…..Will Forte
Lyle…..Dave Grohl
Steve…..Ashton Kutcher
Greg…..Bill Hader
Waiters…..Kenan Thompson, Bobby Moynihan
In-laws…..Nasim Pedrad, Jason Sudeikis

[ open on sign: “Cadena-Norton Wedding” ] [ dissolve to reception area ]

Fred: Thank you, everybody. [ faces his daughter ] Honey, uh, I know it’s your worst nightmare, and — I’m up here, your dad — and I just want to get the old band together, if that’s okay with you. Do you mind, sweetie?

Madeline: No.

Fred: Alright, honey — don’t be embarrassed. Can I get the rest of the guys up here? Uh, Greg, Steve, Lyle — come on.

[ they run up ]

Lyle: Hey, go easy on us, guys — this is our first gig since, like, 1983.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. Well, hey, I’d like to say something.

Fred: Hey, who’s this old guy?

Steve: [ laughing ] You know, I can’t believe we’re up here after 25 years.We were very different guys back then.

Greg: You can say that again. But this feels right, sharing our music with this wonderful young couple.

[ minor applause ]

Steve: Yes, yes, yes. I guess when you get right down to it… rock n’ roll always endures.

Lyle: Unlike my prostate!

[ they laugh ]

Steve: I hear that. I got issues, too.

Fred: [ laughing ] Alright.

Greg: [ lifting his guitar ] Did this thing get heavier? [ he laughs ]

Fred: Alright, let’s do this. Madeline — my little maddy — I’m so proud of you.And I hope Daddy doesn’t make too much of a fool of himself up here. Alright, this is with all my love. [ to the guys ] You guys ready? Here we go.

Lyle: One, two, three, four.

Fred: Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!!!

[ Steve kicks drinks off of a table ]

Fred: [ singing ]“When Ronald Reagan comes aroundHe brings the fascists to your townYou think it’s cool to be a jockBut we all get beat up by cops

[ Fred pushes a table over ]

It’s aFist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lotFist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lot

[ Greg kicks a tray of glasses out of a waiter’s hand ]

Fred: [ speaking ]”I guess my mind’s all messed upBut isn’t that a result of going to your schools being a part of your system following your orders?”

[ Steve kicks the other waiter’s tray from his hands ]

Steve: I guess you want me to put on my suit and my tie and eat my happy meal

[ Grohl’s microphone doesn’t come on at first, so Kutcher hands him his ]

Lyle: [ screaming ]”I guess you want me to have 2.5 children and a white picket fence?I have a better idea!How about I kick your windows in with my boots?!”

[ Fred smashes a bottle over his head ]

Fred: [ screaming ]”You hear that, Alexander Haig?You getting all that, Ed Meese?

There’s gonna be a —

1, 2, 3, 4!

[ Fred jumps into the wedding cake ]

Fist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lotFist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lot

[ Fred fully trashes the rest of the room ]

Fred: We’re crisis of conformity, thank you.

[ he throws the microphone to the floor ]

In-Law: Yeah, you are! Hell, yeah!!

Fred: Well, uh —

[ dissolve to end bumper ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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