Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 14
09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures
Crisis of Conformity
Fred…..Fred Armisen
Madeline…..Abby Elliott
Groom…..Will Forte
Lyle…..Dave Grohl
Steve…..Ashton Kutcher
Greg…..Bill Hader
Waiters…..Kenan Thompson, Bobby Moynihan
In-laws…..Nasim Pedrad, Jason Sudeikis
[ open on sign: “Cadena-Norton Wedding” ]
[ dissolve to reception area ]
Fred: Thank you, everybody. [ faces his daughter ] Honey, uh, I know it’s your worst nightmare, and — I’m up here, your dad — and I just want to get the old band together, if that’s okay with you. Do you mind, sweetie?
Madeline: No.
Fred: Alright, honey — don’t be embarrassed. Can I get the rest of the guys up here? Uh, Greg, Steve, Lyle — come on.
[ they run up ]
Lyle: Hey, go easy on us, guys — this is our first gig since, like, 1983.
Steve: Yeah, yeah. Well, hey, I’d like to say something.
Fred: Hey, who’s this old guy?
Steve: [ laughing ] You know, I can’t believe we’re up here after 25 years.We were very different guys back then.
Greg: You can say that again. But this feels right, sharing our music with this wonderful young couple.
[ minor applause ]
Steve: Yes, yes, yes. I guess when you get right down to it… rock n’ roll always endures.
Lyle: Unlike my prostate!
[ they laugh ]
Steve: I hear that. I got issues, too.
Fred: [ laughing ] Alright.
Greg: [ lifting his guitar ] Did this thing get heavier? [ he laughs ]
Fred: Alright, let’s do this. Madeline — my little maddy — I’m so proud of you.And I hope Daddy doesn’t make too much of a fool of himself up here. Alright, this is with all my love. [ to the guys ] You guys ready? Here we go.
Lyle: One, two, three, four.
Fred: Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!!!
[ Steve kicks drinks off of a table ]
Fred: [ singing ]
“When Ronald Reagan comes aroundHe brings the fascists to your townYou think it’s cool to be a jockBut we all get beat up by cops
[ Fred pushes a table over ]
It’s aFist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lotFist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lot
[ Greg kicks a tray of glasses out of a waiter’s hand ]
Fred: [ speaking ]”I guess my mind’s all messed upBut isn’t that a result of going to your schools being a part of your system following your orders?”
[ Steve kicks the other waiter’s tray from his hands ]
Steve: I guess you want me to put on my suit and my tie and eat my happy meal
[ Grohl’s microphone doesn’t come on at first, so Kutcher hands him his ]
Lyle: [ screaming ]”I guess you want me to have 2.5 children and a white picket fence?I have a better idea!How about I kick your windows in with my boots?!”
[ Fred smashes a bottle over his head ]
Fred: [ screaming ]”You hear that, Alexander Haig?You getting all that, Ed Meese?
There’s gonna be a —
1, 2, 3, 4!
[ Fred jumps into the wedding cake ]
Fist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lotFist fight fist fightFist fight in the parking lot
[ Fred fully trashes the rest of the room ]
Fred: We’re crisis of conformity, thank you.
[ he throws the microphone to the floor ]
In-Law: Yeah, you are! Hell, yeah!!
Fred: Well, uh —
[ dissolve to end bumper ]
