SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lopez: 02/27/10: Besos y Lagrimas

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Besos y Lagrimas

Josefina….Jennifer Lopez
Senor Gomez….Fred Armisen
Magdelena Gomez….Kristen Wiig
Carlos….Jason Sudeikis
Abogado[Lawyer]….Bill Hader
Sonia….Abby Elliott

[UNIVISION logo]

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas

[Opens with a shot of a mansion, cut to a man sitting in a wheelchair wearing an eye patch and breathing into an oxygen mask, a nun walks in the room carrying flowers]

Josefina: Flores, senor?

Senor Gomez: Josefina! Si! [removes eye patch]

Josefina: No.

Senor Gomez: TE AMO!

[dramatic music, passionate kiss] [cut to promo]

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas.

[Josefina wears a night dress, she poses, Virgin Mary’s head floats by.] [Cut to Josefina dressed like a nun kissing Senor Gomez, enters Mrs. Gomez carrying a head made out of stone]

Magdelena: Josefina!

Josefina: Senora Gomez!

Senor Gomez: Magdelena!

Magdelena: Carlos! Ay, No!

Josefina: Magdelena! Ay, Si!

Senor Gomez: Josefina! No! Si! Ayyyyy!!!

[Magdelena throws the head statue against the wall smashing it to pieces]

Josefina: No! No! Senora! Lo siento-o-o-o-o!!!!

[anguished looks] [cut to promo] [Josefina walks in and Senor Gomez rolls in the wheelchair, gets up from it]

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas

[cut to Senor Gomez sitting in his wheelchair and eating his salad, Magdelena stands next to him.]

Magdelena: Mira! [points out the window]

Senor Gomez: Que? [looks out the window]

Magdelena: [throws a little poison in his salad] Mira! [points out the window]

Senor Gomez: Que? [looks out the window, Magdelena throws a visible quantity of poison on the salad]

Magdelena: Mira! [points out the window]

Senor Gomez: Que? [looks out the window, Magdelena throws a gigantic quantity of poison on his salad]

Magdelena: Come su ensalada?

Senor Gomez: Ok.

[ Senor Gomez eats and Josefina bangs on the window pane mouthing silently “No!”, anguished look on her face. Senor Gomez dies.]

Magdelena: [diabolical laugh] Hahahahaha!!!

[cut to promo] [Josefina and Magdelena pose in their night gowns]

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas

[cut to a room full of people, a lawyer reads a will in the Gomez household]

Lawyer: Senor Gomez, testamento y will. Carlos, cero!

Carlos: Cero?

Lawyer: Cero, si.

Carlos: Ayyyy!!! [anguished look]

Lawyer: Sonia, cero!

Sonia: Que?!

Lawyer: Cero!

Sonia: Ayyyy, no-o-o-o!!!! [anguished look]

Lawyer: Magdelena, will y testamento de senor Gomez!

Magdelena: Si?

Lawyer: Cero!

Magdelena: Ayyyy!!! [anguished look]

Lawyer: Esmeralda, cero!

[a shot of the dog Esmeralda]

Lawyer: Josefina! Todo el dinero!

Carlos: No! Todo? Ay, no!

Josefina: Lo siento-o-o-o-o!!!!

[Senor Gomez enters the room]

Senor Gomez: Josefina!

Josefina: Senor Gomez! Esta vivo!

[Josefina and Mr.Gomez kiss with red hot passion] [cut to promo] [Josefina, Magdelena Gomez and Senor Gomez pose,dog Esmeralda’s head floats by]

Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas.

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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