Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 14
Besos y Lagrimas
Josefina….Jennifer Lopez
Senor Gomez….Fred Armisen
Magdelena Gomez….Kristen Wiig
Carlos….Jason Sudeikis
Abogado[Lawyer]….Bill Hader
Sonia….Abby Elliott
[UNIVISION logo]
Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas
[Opens with a shot of a mansion, cut to a man sitting in a wheelchair wearing an eye patch and breathing into an oxygen mask, a nun walks in the room carrying flowers]
Josefina: Flores, senor?
Senor Gomez: Josefina! Si! [removes eye patch]
Josefina: No.
Senor Gomez: TE AMO!
[dramatic music, passionate kiss]
[cut to promo]
Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas.
[Josefina wears a night dress, she poses, Virgin Mary’s head floats by.]
[Cut to Josefina dressed like a nun kissing Senor Gomez, enters Mrs. Gomez carrying a head made out of stone]
Magdelena: Josefina!
Josefina: Senora Gomez!
Senor Gomez: Magdelena!
Magdelena: Carlos! Ay, No!
Josefina: Magdelena! Ay, Si!
Senor Gomez: Josefina! No! Si! Ayyyyy!!!
[Magdelena throws the head statue against the wall smashing it to pieces]
Josefina: No! No! Senora! Lo siento-o-o-o-o!!!!
[anguished looks]
[cut to promo]
[Josefina walks in and Senor Gomez rolls in the wheelchair, gets up from it]
Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas
[cut to Senor Gomez sitting in his wheelchair and eating his salad, Magdelena stands next to him.]
Magdelena: Mira! [points out the window]
Senor Gomez: Que? [looks out the window]
Magdelena: [throws a little poison in his salad] Mira! [points out the window]
Senor Gomez: Que? [looks out the window, Magdelena throws a visible quantity of poison on the salad]
Magdelena: Mira! [points out the window]
Senor Gomez: Que? [looks out the window, Magdelena throws a gigantic quantity of poison on his salad]
Magdelena: Come su ensalada?
Senor Gomez: Ok.
[ Senor Gomez eats and Josefina bangs on the window pane mouthing silently “No!”, anguished look on her face. Senor Gomez dies.]
Magdelena: [diabolical laugh] Hahahahaha!!!
[cut to promo]
[Josefina and Magdelena pose in their night gowns]
Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas
[cut to a room full of people, a lawyer reads a will in the Gomez household]
Lawyer: Senor Gomez, testamento y will. Carlos, cero!
Carlos: Cero?
Lawyer: Cero, si.
Carlos: Ayyyy!!! [anguished look]
Lawyer: Sonia, cero!
Sonia: Que?!
Lawyer: Cero!
Sonia: Ayyyy, no-o-o-o!!!! [anguished look]
Lawyer: Magdelena, will y testamento de senor Gomez!
Magdelena: Si?
Lawyer: Cero!
Magdelena: Ayyyy!!! [anguished look]
Lawyer: Esmeralda, cero!
[a shot of the dog Esmeralda]
Lawyer: Josefina! Todo el dinero!
Carlos: No! Todo? Ay, no!
Josefina: Lo siento-o-o-o-o!!!!
[Senor Gomez enters the room]
Senor Gomez: Josefina!
Josefina: Senor Gomez! Esta vivo!
[Josefina and Mr.Gomez kiss with red hot passion]
[cut to promo]
[Josefina, Magdelena Gomez and Senor Gomez pose,dog Esmeralda’s head floats by]
Announcer: Besos y Lagrimas.
[cheers and applause]
[fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
