Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 15
Undercover Celebrity Boss
Steve Jobs…..Fred Armisen
Female Office Worker…..Abby Elliott
Richard Branson…..Bill Hader
Male Office Worker…..Bobby Moynihan
Warehouse Manager…..Kenan Thompson
Mary-Kate Olson…..Nasim Pedrad
Ashley Olson…..Jenny Slate
Martha Stewart…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on montage footage of “Undercover Boss” ]
Announcer: It’s official. America loves “Undercover Boss,” the hit new show where top executives go undercover as entry-level workers in their own company. But what happens when the C.E.O. is a C.E.L.E.B.? It’s “Undercover Celebrity Boss.” Watch Steve Jobs empty a trash can.[ cut to Steve Jobs as janitor talking to an office worker ]
Steve Jobs: This trash can… holds over 35 gallons… of trash. It plays music.
Female Office Worker: No, it doesn’t.
Steve Jobs: You can watch movies inside it.
Female Office Worker: Inside a trash can? [ she is unimpressed ]
Steve Jobs: The iTrash. [ he picks up a smaller can ] And now, the trash shuffle. Thank you! Thanks![ cut to next blurb ]
Announcer: And what happens when Virgin CEO Richard Branson loses his secretarial virginity?[ cut to Richard Branson as secretary approaching an office worker ]
Richard Branson: [ laughing ] Here are those files you requested, Boss!
Male Office Worker: Oh, okay. So, you’re Richard Branson.
Richard Branson: [ guffawing ] Who? What? What gave me away?
Male Office Worker: Well, you showed up for work in a space shuttle… and you parachuted into a meeting… and then you screamed: “I am Sir Richard Branson!”
Richard Branson: I did! I own all this![ cut to warehouse exterior ]
Announcer: Then visit the warehouse, with mini-moguls Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.
Warehouse Manager: I don’t think you guys should be loading heavy boxes.
Mary-Kate Olsen: Why not? It’s not like we’re the Olsen Twins.
Ashley Olsen: Yeah, we’re just a couple of normal-sized warehouse workers.
Warehouse Manager: All right.[ he lifts a box and places it in the hands of the Olson Twins, who collapse under the weight ] [ cut to the next blurb ]
Announcer: Plus, there’s Martha Stewart![ cut to Martha Stewart standing in a kitchen with her arms folded, as a director leans forward ]
Director: Excuse me, why aren’t you doing the dishes?
Martha Stewart: Because I’m Martha f–kin’ Stewart!
Announcer: “Undercover Celebrity Boss”. On the Celebrity Boss Station: CBS.