Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 14
Car Horns and More
Tina Tina Cheneuse…..Jenny Slate
Kiki Dee Cheneuse…..Jennifer Lopez
[ open on Bobby and Nasim stalled in traffic ]
Nasim: Look at this traffic.[ she honks her ordinary-sounding car horn ]
Bobby: [ scoffing ] Nice car horn.[ he exits the car and walks away ]
Nasim: Oh, no! Come back! I hate my car horn.
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Does this happen to you? People go away ’cause you got a bad, boring car horn? Hi lo! I’m Tina Tina Cheneuse![ she crosses frame to a panel of steering wheels ]
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Does your car horn lack flavor? Then come on down to Car Horns and More. Okay, here’s what a regular car horn sounds like: [ she presses the archaic-sounding horn ] What? No. That’s bad! [ she tosses the car horn away ] You need a custom-made car horn that speaks to you. Like this: [ she presses a horn ]
Car Horn: “Beep beep, I am your car!”
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Yeeeesss… that is my voice. Why should it not be? I’m an entrepreneur. At car horns and more, we got all kinds of car horns. Polite car horns:
Car Horn: “Beep beep! After you, Buick.”
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Old timey car horns.
Car Horn: “A-ooga! What?”
Tina Tina Cheneuse: International car horns.
Car Horn: Honk honk! bonjour! grey poupon! Fresh.”
Tina Tina Cheneuse: And for ambulances.
Car Horn: “Get out the way, a baby ate a penny. Oh, my Go-o-o-od!”
Tina Tina Cheneuse: How do I do it? I had a little help. Just ask my cousin, Kiki.
Kiki Dee Cheneuse: Hellooooo! I’m Kiki Dee Cheneuse, and I’ve been in all kinds of crazy cars. Do you need a horn for a limousine?
Car Horn: Boom-boom! Minibar! Hello, driver! Honk! Honk!
Kiki Dee Cheneuse: What if you drive a airport shuttle bus?
Car Horn: Honk honk! Jet Blue! Bye-bye, Nana!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: We got horns for everybody. Come on!
Scientist: What about me? I’m a scientist.
Kiki Dee Cheneuse: Here you go!
Car Horn: Bunson burner! Bubbles! It’s alive! Whaaaat?
Scientist: Good. [ he exits ]
Teenager: What about me? I’m a teenager.
Kiki Dee Cheneuse: Well, this one’s for you.
Car Horn: Pass the Clearasil! Shut up, Mom! Jolly Ranchers!
Teenager: Yes! [ she exits ]
Bobby: What about me? I’m a soldier in the Army.
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Here!
Car Horn: Camouflage! Bunk beds! Drop and give me 20! Beep-beep! Private Benjamin! Right?
Bobby: Thanks! [ he exits ]
Tina Tina Cheneuse: We even got car horns for driving to church.
Car Horn: Hi-lo! I’m coming to your house, Jesus!
Kiki Dee Cheneuse: For the elderly!
Car Horn: Honk honk! I remember when all this was farmland.
Tina Tina Cheneuse: And even car horns for people in relationships.
Car Horn: Honk! How could you sleep with Denise? Oh, my God! I can’t believe you did this to me! This is a terrible betrayal! Beep!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Oh, my, Go-o-o-od! So come on down to car horns and more.
Together: And get the fantasy car horn of your dreams! Bye bye!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Beep-beep.[ fade ]