SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lopez: 02/27/10: Car Horns and More


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Car Horns and More

Nasim…..Nasim Pedrad
Bobby…..Bobby Moynihan
Tina Tina Cheneuse…..Jenny Slate
Kiki Dee Cheneuse…..Jennifer Lopez
Scientist…..Fred Armisen
Teenager…..Abby Elliott

[ open on Bobby and Nasim stalled in traffic ]

Nasim: Look at this traffic.

[ she honks her ordinary-sounding car horn ]

Bobby: [ scoffing ] Nice car horn.

[ he exits the car and walks away ]

Nasim: Oh, no! Come back! I hate my car horn.

[ Tina Tina Cheneuse enters frame ]

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Does this happen to you? People go away ’cause you got a bad, boring car horn? Hi lo! I’m Tina Tina Cheneuse!

[ she crosses frame to a panel of steering wheels ]

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Does your car horn lack flavor? Then come on down to Car Horns and More. Okay, here’s what a regular car horn sounds like: [ she presses the archaic-sounding horn ] What? No. That’s bad! [ she tosses the car horn away ] You need a custom-made car horn that speaks to you. Like this: [ she presses a horn ]

Car Horn: “Beep beep, I am your car!”

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Yeeeesss… that is my voice. Why should it not be? I’m an entrepreneur. At car horns and more, we got all kinds of car horns. Polite car horns:

Car Horn: “Beep beep! After you, Buick.”

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Old timey car horns.

Car Horn: “A-ooga! What?”

Tina Tina Cheneuse: International car horns.

Car Horn: Honk honk! bonjour! grey poupon! Fresh.”

Tina Tina Cheneuse: And for ambulances.

Car Horn: “Get out the way, a baby ate a penny. Oh, my Go-o-o-od!”

Tina Tina Cheneuse: How do I do it? I had a little help. Just ask my cousin, Kiki.

Kiki Dee Cheneuse: Hellooooo! I’m Kiki Dee Cheneuse, and I’ve been in all kinds of crazy cars. Do you need a horn for a limousine?

Car Horn: Boom-boom! Minibar! Hello, driver! Honk! Honk!

Kiki Dee Cheneuse: What if you drive a airport shuttle bus?

Car Horn: Honk honk! Jet Blue! Bye-bye, Nana!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: We got horns for everybody. Come on!

Scientist: What about me? I’m a scientist.

Kiki Dee Cheneuse: Here you go!

Car Horn: Bunson burner! Bubbles! It’s alive! Whaaaat?

Scientist: Good. [ he exits ]

Teenager: What about me? I’m a teenager.

Kiki Dee Cheneuse: Well, this one’s for you.

Car Horn: Pass the Clearasil! Shut up, Mom! Jolly Ranchers!

Teenager: Yes! [ she exits ]

Bobby: What about me? I’m a soldier in the Army.

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Here!

Car Horn: Camouflage! Bunk beds! Drop and give me 20! Beep-beep! Private Benjamin! Right?

Bobby: Thanks! [ he exits ]

Tina Tina Cheneuse: We even got car horns for driving to church.

Car Horn: Hi-lo! I’m coming to your house, Jesus!

Kiki Dee Cheneuse: For the elderly!

Car Horn: Honk honk! I remember when all this was farmland.

Tina Tina Cheneuse: And even car horns for people in relationships.

Car Horn: Honk! How could you sleep with Denise? Oh, my God! I can’t believe you did this to me! This is a terrible betrayal! Beep!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Oh, my, Go-o-o-od! So come on down to car horns and more.

Together: And get the fantasy car horn of your dreams! Bye bye!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Beep-beep.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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