SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lopez: 02/27/10: Car Horns and More

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Car Horns and More

Nasim…..Nasim Pedrad
Bobby…..Bobby Moynihan
Tina Tina Cheneuse…..Jenny Slate
Kiki Dee Cheneuse…..Jennifer Lopez
Scientist…..Fred Armisen
Teenager…..Abby Elliott

[ open on Bobby and Nasim stalled in traffic ]

Nasim: Look at this traffic.

[ she honks her ordinary-sounding car horn ]

Bobby: [ scoffing ] Nice car horn.

[ he exits the car and walks away ]

Nasim: Oh, no! Come back! I hate my car horn.

[ Tina Tina Cheneuse enters frame ]

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Does this happen to you? People go away ’cause you got a bad, boring car horn? Hi lo! I’m Tina Tina Cheneuse!

[ she crosses frame to a panel of steering wheels ]

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Does your car horn lack flavor? Then come on down to Car Horns and More. Okay, here’s what a regular car horn sounds like: [ she presses the archaic-sounding horn ] What? No. That’s bad! [ she tosses the car horn away ] You need a custom-made car horn that speaks to you. Like this: [ she presses a horn ]

Car Horn: “Beep beep, I am your car!”

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Yeeeesss… that is my voice. Why should it not be? I’m an entrepreneur. At car horns and more, we got all kinds of car horns. Polite car horns:

Car Horn: “Beep beep! After you, Buick.”

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Old timey car horns.

Car Horn: “A-ooga! What?”

Tina Tina Cheneuse: International car horns.

Car Horn: Honk honk! bonjour! grey poupon! Fresh.”

Tina Tina Cheneuse: And for ambulances.

Car Horn: “Get out the way, a baby ate a penny. Oh, my Go-o-o-od!”

Tina Tina Cheneuse: How do I do it? I had a little help. Just ask my cousin, Kiki.

Kiki Dee Cheneuse: Hellooooo! I’m Kiki Dee Cheneuse, and I’ve been in all kinds of crazy cars. Do you need a horn for a limousine?

Car Horn: Boom-boom! Minibar! Hello, driver! Honk! Honk!

Kiki Dee Cheneuse: What if you drive a airport shuttle bus?

Car Horn: Honk honk! Jet Blue! Bye-bye, Nana!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: We got horns for everybody. Come on!

Scientist: What about me? I’m a scientist.

Kiki Dee Cheneuse: Here you go!

Car Horn: Bunson burner! Bubbles! It’s alive! Whaaaat?

Scientist: Good. [ he exits ]

Teenager: What about me? I’m a teenager.

Kiki Dee Cheneuse: Well, this one’s for you.

Car Horn: Pass the Clearasil! Shut up, Mom! Jolly Ranchers!

Teenager: Yes! [ she exits ]

Bobby: What about me? I’m a soldier in the Army.

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Here!

Car Horn: Camouflage! Bunk beds! Drop and give me 20! Beep-beep! Private Benjamin! Right?

Bobby: Thanks! [ he exits ]

Tina Tina Cheneuse: We even got car horns for driving to church.

Car Horn: Hi-lo! I’m coming to your house, Jesus!

Kiki Dee Cheneuse: For the elderly!

Car Horn: Honk honk! I remember when all this was farmland.

Tina Tina Cheneuse: And even car horns for people in relationships.

Car Horn: Honk! How could you sleep with Denise? Oh, my God! I can’t believe you did this to me! This is a terrible betrayal! Beep!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Oh, my, Go-o-o-od! So come on down to car horns and more.

Together: And get the fantasy car horn of your dreams! Bye bye!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Beep-beep.

[ fade ]

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