Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 14
Bill Hader…..Brady Trunk
Kristen Wiig…..Anastasia Sticks
[ EXT. SUNSET GOWER STUDIOS – DAY ]
[ INT. SOUNDSTAGE – DAY ]
[ JENNIFER LOPEZ is seated on a stool. Enter BRADY & ANASTASIA. ]
Anastasia Sticks: Jennifer Lopez! Hi!!
Brady Trunk: Hi!
Anastasia Sticks: Look at your dress!
Brady Trunk: You look fantastic!
[ Both take their seats across from Jennifer. ]
Anastasia Sticks: Just a gorgeous lady!
Brady Trunk: We are so excited that you made time to do this interview!
Anastasia Sticks: Everyone here at “Hollywood Dish” just loves you!
Brady Trunk: Me, especially!!
Anastasia Sticks: Okay – – stop drooling or this whole place is gonna flood!
[ Both giggle. ]
Jennifer Lopez: Oh, that’s okay.
[ Everybody smiles. ]
Brady Trunk: I’m Brady Trunk…
Anastasia Sticks: …and I’m Anastasia Sticks.
Jennifer Lopez: I know who you are. I used to watch “Hollywood Dish” when I was nursing my kids.
Brady Trunk: Ewww!!! Gross!
[ Anastasia covers her ears, makes tongue sounds and shakes her head. ]
Brady Trunk: Too much info! Alright, let’s get started. Are we ready?
Anastasia Sticks: Good to go?
[ Both face off-camera briefly. ]
Brady Trunk: Good to go?
Anastasia Sticks: Am I shiny!? Is my hair parted!?
Brady Trunk: Okay! A 2 & 3 – Jennifer Lopez! You just released a single and you’ve got a movie coming out in April!
Anastasia Sticks: Not bad!
Jennifer Lopez: Thank you, thank you! Yeah, I’ve been pretty busy.
[ Brady & Anastasia give insincere smiles. ]
Jennifer Lopez: You know, I took a couple of years off.
[ Brady & Anastasia stare without emotion. ]
Jennifer Lopez: But it’s great to be back, because, you know, I miss performing so much.
[ Brady & Anastasia pantomime praise and cheers. ]
Jennifer Lopez: And, um… I’m sorry, is something wrong?
Anastasia Sticks: No, no, no, no! You’re doing fine!
Brady Trunk: We just can’t talk over you. It’ll ruin the sound.
Anastasia Sticks: Yes, no sonida! Overlappa!
Jennifer Lopez: Uh… I speak English.
Anastasia Sticks: I speak Spanish!
Brady Trunk: Touché!
Anastasia Sticks: He speaks French!
Brady Trunk: Oui!
[ Both laugh while Jennifer flashes a slight smile. ]
Brady Trunk: J-Lo – your movie is called “The Back-Up Plan” and I think a lot of people will “plan” to “go back” again… and again… and again!
Jennifer Lopez: Well, I hope they do!
[ Brady & Anastasia display uncertainty in body language. ]
Jennifer Lopez: The best part is we shot the movie in New York.
[ Brady & Anastasia are half-asleep. ]
Jennifer Lopez: And, um… you know, I’m a New York girl – from the Bronx.
[ Brady & Anastasia pantomime an urban mugging. ]
Jennifer Lopez: So… it was a great experience to be back in my hometown.
[ Brady & Anastasia grimace and shake their heads. ]
Jennifer Lopez: But I hope it’s, uh, a big hit. As my mom used to say, “La paciencia y la fe.”
Brady Trunk: Spanish!
Anastasia Sticks: Do more Spanish! Do more Spanish! Yeah!
Jennifer Lopez: La paciencia y la fe? It just means “patience and faith.”
Anastasia Sticks: More! More!
Brady Trunk: Do some more! Do some more!
Jennifer Lopez: Like, “La paciencia y la fe!” Or, “La paciencia y la fe!!”
Anastasia Sticks: Sexy! Sexy!
Brady Trunk: Make it hot!
Anastasia Sticks: Spicy! Spicy!
[ Jennifer spouts numerous Spanish phrases and screams the final one. Brady & Anastasia sit aghast. ]
Brady Trunk: Yikes!
Anastasia Sticks: We’re right here!
[ Jennifer rolls her eyes. ]
Jennifer Lopez: Anyway, I’m really proud of the movie. It’s great! It’s about a woman –
[ Anastasia giggles hysterically. ]
Anastasia Sticks: Terrific! So Jennifer, let’s get to the meat of the bones – – what’s Marc Anthony like in bed?
Jennifer Lopez: That’s a little personal…
Brady Trunk: Can’t you give us any details?
Jennifer Lopez: Ummm…
Brady & Anastasia: Ummm…
Jennifer Lopez: Ehhh…
Brady & Anastasia: Ehhh…
Jennifer Lopez: Uh, I –
[ Brady & Anastasia scream to the top of their lungs. ]
Jennifer Lopez: Um… okay! Are we almost done here? Because…
Brady Trunk: Just one last question — what did you think of the last episode of “The Bachelor”?
[ Brady & Anastasia start straw-sipping on milkshakes in vintage glasses. ]
Jennifer Lopez: Uh, you know… I don’t think I even saw that.
[ Brady spits his mouthful of milkshake on Anastasia. Jennifer cringes.]
Jennifer Lopez: Yeah… I’ve been so busy, I don’t have time to watch TV.
[ Brady almost takes a mouth sip but throws the rest of his shake on Anastasia, mouth wide open. Anastasia frowns and starts readjusting her lavalier. ]
Anastasia Sticks: So, how do you keep so fit?
Jennifer Lopez: Well, I… I… dance a lot. And with two kids, I’m always running around. Uh… I have a trainer and a nutritionist, which makes it a whole lot easier. Wait, is he asleep?
[ Brady’s wearing a paper cut-out mask of himself while passed out on Anastasia’s shoulder. She has removed her blouse and only wearing a bra made of coconuts. ]
Jennifer Lopez: Okay! Okay! You know what!? I’m leaving! I’m out of here! Okay?
[ Jennifer gets out of her stool and steps in milkshake residue. ]
Jennifer Lopez: Ugh! I’m walking in milkshake!
[ Jennifer exits. ]
Anastasia Sticks: She was great!
Brady Trunk: She was great!!!
Anastasia Sticks: Sexy and so talented!
Brady Trunk: So tiny!
Anastasia Sticks: Love her, love her!
Brady Trunk: Tiny!
[ “HOLLYWOOD DISH” COMMERICIAL SPOT ]
[ SAME SOUNDSTAGE – DIFFERENT SET ]
[ Brady & Anastasia stand together. ]
Brady Trunk: Tonight on “Hollywood Dish”, you want to tune in to find out: has J. Lo gone loco?
[ CUT TO: SEGEMENT OF JENNIFER SPOUTING NUMEROUS SPANISH PHRASES ]
[ SUPER: I LIKE TO HIT PEOPLE WITH MY CAR! ]
Anastasia Sticks: Plus, Mario Lopez shows you how you can get the perfect six-pack… on your face!
Brady Trunk: Tonight on “Hollywood Dish” !
[ Brady & Anastasia engage in cross-chatter. ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs