Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 14
Eternal Spark of Love
Female Co-Worker…..Nasim Pedrad
[ open on exterior, office building ] [ dissolve to interior, copy room ]
Sean: Back in the copy room, huh?
Michelle: Yeah. My boss has a conference coming up.
Sean: You’re new here, right?
Michelle: Yeah! Yeah. I just started on Tuesday. I’m Michelle.
Sean: Hi. I’m Sean.[ they shake hands, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides into frame ]
Narrator: Oh, yes! What do we have here? You know, I’ve heard office chit chats can often lead to office pitty pat! And I’m talking romance. Will two strangers take a chance on love? Let’s watch.[ he slides out of frame, as the scene resumes ]
Sean: So, uh — you work for Linda, right?
Michelle: Yeah. Yeah, she’s got me working late already. I didn’t come home until… 8:00 last night.
Sean: Oh… boy. that’s, uh — yeah. I hope your husband doesn’t mind.
Michelle: Oh! I’m not married.[ he holds his head up high, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides into frame ]
Narrator: Ohhhh, yeah! Now things are really cooking! Somebody preheat the oven to 69![ he slides out of frame, as the scene resumes ]
Sean: You’re not married, huh? Do you have a boyfriend?
Michelle: Uh, kind of.
Sean: Kind of?
Michelle: Yeah. I have, like, uh, fifty boyfriends.
Michelle: Yeah. They’re my puppets.
Sean: Oh. You’re like a man-eater, huh?
Michelle: Oh, no, no. They’re real puppets. I’m a ventriloquist.
Michelle: Yeah, I have a ton of puppets in my home. We do lots of things together: we talk, we sing, we have dance parties![ she motions her hips and laughs, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides into frame ]
Narrator: Okay, now wait a minute now. She says she’s got fifty puppets for boyfriends… they’ve got dance parties. How does she make fifty puppets dance? I mean, I’ve heard of being FREAKY, but not TOO freaky. I don’t understand —[ he slides out of frame, as the scene resumes ]
Sean: Wow! You’re really into puppets.
Michelle: Yeah, they’re my life. Oh, here! [ she reaches behind her ] One of them came to work with me today.
Sean: Came with you? You mean… you brought him, right?
Michelle: [ pulling an oversized puppet out of her bag ] I want you to meet Socrates!
Michelle: Socrates loves to sing! [ singing as Socrates ] “I’m a big boy now, I’m a big boy now, and I wear big boy pants!”[ she holds her pose, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides past the frame speechless ]
Narrator: No, wait, wait, wait! Wait! I got something. [ he slides back into frame ] I got something. [ he makes an attempt ] No, I don’t have it. I don’t have nothing.[ he slides out of frame, as the scene resumes ]
Sean: Well, that — that’s really fun.
Michelle: You think so?
Sean: Uh — yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Michelle: [ she laughs ] Well, it’s my real passion.
Sean: Uh — gotta have a passion…
Michelle: I’m hoping to do shows for kids one day.
Sean: Oh, yeah? I-I love kids.
Michelle: You do?
Sean: Absolutely.[ she smiles at him, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides into frame ]
Narrator: Oh yeah, back on track! They both like kids, and we all know there’s only one way to make them! You see, love can be a — [ he starts to slide out of frame ] Wait, wait, wait! Don’t — [ he’s yanked out of frame and falls with a crash before jumping back to his feet ] Ahh! Come on, Jimmy! Seriously, man! Fifteen years of this, man, we can’t get it right?! Come on, Jimmy! Reggie, you supposed to be helping him out![ he slides out of frame, as the scene resumes ]
Michelle: Well, if you like kids, I should show you my puppets. At least half of them are kids. They’re so naughty!
Sean: They’re naughty?
Michelle: Yeah. Sometimes I have to spank them![ the Narrator steps into frame ]
Narrator: What the damn? NO!![ he steps out of frame ]
Sean: Okay, well, uh, you know what? I’m gonna go ahead and get back to my desk. I got a lot of work to do. But it’s nice meeting you.
Michelle: Okay! Bye.[ he exits the copy room, as a female co-worker enters ]
Female Co-Worker: Hey! Still in the copy room?
Michelle: Yeah. Yeah. It’s just been a… rough day.
Female Co-Worker: Oh, Michelle, I’m sorry.[ she wraps her arm around Michelle’s shoulder, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides into frame ]
Narrator: Oh, yeah! So much better! You see that, Jimmy? Yeah, you like that, right? Yeah. Real, real nice. [ he starts to be pulled out of frame ] No, no, wait, I want to watch this! No, don’t pull me out! Wait! I want to watch this![ he slides out of frame ] [ fade ]