Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 14
Jennifer Lopez’s Monologue
Mannifer Bropez…..Bill Hader
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jennifer Lopez!
Jennifer Lopez: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. You know, I was first on this show ten years ago. Back then, I was single and traveling around with a big entourage. It was a crazy time, but you know, people grow up. Now I’m married, with two beautiful children. [ the audience begins to applaud ] Yes! And I’ve left all that stuff behind.
Dante: [ from the audience ] You sure did!
Jennifer Lopez: I’m sorry. Who are you?
Dante: I’m Dante. I was in your entourage for three years. I hold the orange juice, remember?
Jennifer Lopez: Oh, yeah! Hi, Dante. I haven’t seen you in a while. Like I was saying: No, I lead kind of a simple life.
Dante: Yeah, well, now I lead a very simple life. I have no job and my only experience is walking around with a glass of orange juice.
Jennifer Lopez: Hey, Dante, you know, you got to believe in yourself. Remember what I always told you when you were we were back in Bronx?
Dante: Oh, I remember what you told me. “Drop out of Fordham and hold my orange juice.” And I did. I was majoring in alternative fuel biology — and now that’s a thing!
Jennifer Lopez: Well, I’m sorry you’re upset. I guess there are some people who might feel left behind, you know? But you can’t live in the past.
Mannifer Bropez: Yes, you can!
Jennifer Lopez: Hello! Who are you?
Mannifer Bropez: J-Lo drag queens. Remember? We used to go to all your concerts. I’m Mannifer Bropez.
J-Blow: And I’m J-Blow.
Jennifer Lopez: I see. Guys, I think, you know, it’s time to move on. I mean, who is ever going to buy you guys as women?
Dante: Well! Hello there, ladies.
Mannifer Bropez: Oh, my gosh! Is that J-Lo’s orange juice?
Dante: Yeah. Why don’t we get out of here and I’ll let you hold it. And then you could hold the orange juice.
Jennifer Lopez: I knew Dante would be okay. We have a great show tonight. I’m here. So stick around, and we’ll be right back.