Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 14
Telemundo Olympics Coverage
Maria Albaniz….Jennifer Lopez
Jorge Cortes….Fred Armisen
Rosa Martinez….Jenny Slate
Ken Frazen….Andy Samberg
Hector Lima….Bill Hader
Little Jefferson….Bobby Moynihan
Announcer: You’re watching Telemundo.
[sports desk with Latin hosts]
Maria Albaniz: Hola, and welcome back to the Telemundo coverage of the Olympic Games live from Vancouver. I’m Maria Albaniz.
Jorge Cortes: And I’m Jorge Cortes. This is the first time Telemundo has ever covered the Winter Olympics and we keep asking ourselves the same question: Why does anyone likes the Winter Olympics? It is cold and the sports are silly.
Maria Albaniz: It is a mystery to everyone here at Telemundo.
Jorge Cortes: All this sports are on the snow or in the ice. Why would they do this? These are bad slippery surfaces.
Maria Albaniz: Plus, all the sports are either very strange or something you would do if you wanted to kill yourself.
Jorge Cortes: But as a proud member of the NBC familia, we continue to broadcast this nonsense. Let’s go to our own Rosa Martinez at the ski jump.
Maria Albaniz: Hola Rosa! Where are you right now?
[cut to Rosa at the base of a snow covered mountain, behind the ski ramp]
Rosa Martinez: I would say that I’m in hell but it is far too cold for that. So I must be at Whistler Mountain.
Jorge Cortes: Rosa, what is your favorite memory of the games?
Rosa Martinez: I would say the flight here. It was the last time I was warm.
Maria Albaniz: Well, your outfit is very cute.
Rosa Martinez: Gracias for that. But I’m still slightly under dressed. I lost some fingers. [holds up digitless hand]
Jorge Cortes: Rosa, did you see any ski jumping?
Rosa Martinez: Yes, I did. And you’re not gonna believe this. Take a look at this clip.
[clip of aki jumper going down a ski ramp]
Jorge Cortes: It looks like he’s doing fine.
Maria Albaniz: He’s going very fast.
Jorge Cortes: Very nice, lovely.
[ski jumper jumps and flies]
Jorge Cortes: Where did the ramp go?!! WHERE IS THE RAMP?!!
Maria Albaniz: DIOS MIO!!! Que paso ahi??!! Se va a caer! Se va a caer!
Jorge Cortes: Oh, NO!
[ski jumper lands safely]
Maria Albaniz: [relieved] Oh, God! He’s ok! Thanks goodness!
Jorge Cortes: Rosa, how did this happened? Did they forget to finish building the ramp?
Rosa Martinez: You will not believe this. The ramp was supposed to be like that.
Jorge Cortes: Que, que? No entiendo.
Maria Albaniz: Es loco! You either finish building a ramp or you do not build it at all. No?
Jorge Cortes: This is the madness that happens when a country has no beaches. Joining us is Canadian Olympic Committee spokesman Ken Frazen.
Ken Frazen: Hi, hello. I’m excited to answer some of your questions about the Olympics. And we do have some beaches here.
Jorge Cortes: Heh, heh…I’m sure they are very bad, bad beaches.
Maria Albaniz: So, you’re from Canada, yes?
Ken Frazen: Yes.
Maria Albaniz: So my first question is: Why have you not left this place?
Ken Frazen: Oh, um, I don’t understand.
Jorge Cortes: You know, was there a lottery that decided who could leave, and then you guys lost the lottery and this is why you’re still here…
Ken Frazen: I like it here.
Maria Albaniz: With the snow and the ice? Did you know that there are places with sunshine and dancing?
Jorge Cortes: And not just ice dancing, fun dancing with shoes and even bare feet.
Ken Frazen: Do you have any questions about the Olympic sports?
Jorge Cortes: No. We already know too much.
Maria Albaniz: Thank you, Ken Frazen!
Jorge Cortes: I do not like this Olympic Games. We go now to our own Hector Lima at the Vancouver Olympic Center with the latest in curling action. Hola Hector! What is wrong? You looks upset.
Hector Lima: Si. I’ve been told that curling was like shuffle board. A sport I like and understand.
Jorge Cortes: Ah, yes, yes. Shuffle board, I know this sport.
Maria Albaniz: Yes, I like this. You can play in the short sleeves, with the drinks.
Hector Lima: I was excited to see it. But I have some very sad news. Apparently a water main burst and flooded the shuffleboard court.
Jorge Cortes: Madre de Dios!
Hector Lima: It is so cold that the entire floor is frozen solid. And they’re forced to play shuffleboard with the rocks.
[clip of two men frantically shaving ice and following the curling ice ball]
Jorge Cortes: What are they doing?
Hector Lima: I believe this poor men are trying to melt ice with the brooms. Sweeping and sweeping but it does no good. So sad, so very, very sad.
Jorge Cortes: Well, I think we have a surprise that may cheer you up!
Hector Lima: No. Nothing could cheer me up.
Jorge Cortes: Don’t look now Hector but I think Little Jefferson has a present for you!
[Little Jefferson is man dressed as a little rascal kid holding a cream pie]
Hector Lima: Oh, Jeff, no. Go away! No, now its not the time. Olympic show is ruined. It’s tragico.
[Little Jefferson goes away sad]
Maria Albaniz: Ay, pobre Jefferson. Es muy tragico.
Jorge Cortes: Si. Very sad, very sad news from the Olympic shuffleboard Center. When we return, more freezing insanity.
Maria Albaniz: I want to go home now.
Jorge Cortes: Yeah, me too.
[salsa music plays]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel