Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 14
Smash Mouth
Mom…..Jennifer Lopez
Cecilia…..Nasim Pedrad
Dad…..Jason SudeikisSteve Harwell…..Bobby MoynihanMichael Klooster…..Bill HaderGreg Camp…..Fred Armisen
[ open on exterior, house, night ]
[ dissolve to interior, Cecilia’s bedroom, as her Mom reads a bedtime story ]
Mom: And the bears felt really good about everything, and so did the owls. The end. Good night, sweetie. [ she kisses Cecilia on the head ] Sleep tight.
Cecilia: [ apprehensively ] Okay.
Mom: What’s wrong?
Cecilia: I’m scared. They’re going to come out again!
Mom: Cecilia, I’ve told you a million times — you have nothing to be afraid of. There’s nothing in your closet. Come here.
[ Mom pulls Cecilia out of bed ]
Cecilia: Mom, I don’t want to!
[ Mom opens the closet ]
Mom: See? Nothing. Okay? Now go to sleep. [ Cecilia climbs back into bed ] Good night, baby.
[ Mom exits the bedroom and hits the lights ]
[ Cecilia watches in fear as a pink light appears from her closet ]
[ suddenly, the band Smash Mouth bursts out of her closet, singing ]
Smash Mouth: [ singing ]
“Somebody once told me, the world is going to roll me!
I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed!”
Cecilia: [ screaming ] Mom! Mom!
[ Mom rushes in, as the band retreats back into the closet ]
Mom: Honey, what is it?!
Cecilia: Smash Mouth! Smash Mouth!
Mom: [ confused ] What are you saying?
Cecilia: Smash Mouth! Smash Mouth came out of my closet and sang that song again!
Mom: Honey, I don’t — I don’t see Smash Mouth anywhere.
Cecilia: Ohhh…
Mom: Now, you’ve got a Tae Kwon Do tournament in the morning, so just close your eyes and try to fall asleep.
Cecilia: Okay… I’ll try…
[ Mom exits the bedroom and hits the lights ]
[ Cecilia watches in fear as a pink light appears from her closet ]
[ suddenly, the band Smash Mouth bursts out from under her bed, singing ]
Smash Mouth: [ singing ]
“Somebody once told me, the world is going to roll me!
I ain’t –“
Cecilia: Mom! Mom! They came back! Hurry!
[ Mom rushes in, as the band quickly retreats into the closet ]
Mom: Honey, what’s going on?!
Cecilia: Smash Mo-o-o-o-outh!
Mom: And don’t say Smash Mouth again…
Cecilia: But they were! They keep coming out and singing that song!
Mom: What song?
Cecilia: I don’t want to sing it, or it’ll get stuck in your head and you won’t be able to get it out!
Mom: Well, where is Smash Mouth now?
Cecilia: They’re back in the closet!
Mom: Oh!
[ she storms over to the closet and thrusts the door open without actually peeking inside. Of course, there they are. ]
Mom: Look! No Smash Mouth.
Cecilia: Mom, they’re right there. I can see their soul patches!
Mom: [ without bothering to look ] I don’t see any Smash Mouth!
Cecilia: Smash Mouth is right in front of you!
Mom: [ disgusted, she slams the door ] This needs to stop, Cecilia!
[ Dad enters the bedroom ]
Dad: What is all the commotion in here?
Cecilia: Daddy, I can’t sleep!
Mom: She says the band Smash Mouth is in her closet.
Dad: Smash Mouth? Smash Mouth. [ thinking ] Wait a minute, are those the guys that did the, um — [ singing ] “Do, do, do, do, do –“
Cecilia: No! That’s Third Eye Blind.
Dad: Oh.
Cecilia: Smash Mouth are the ones that do: [ loudly ] Some-BODY –“
Dad: Oh, yeah, yeah! No, I remember that. I know that song, sure. Yeah, kind of a, uhhh, what are they — skate punk band.
Mom: I — I think they were more like beach rock.
Dad: Oh, is that what it’s called?
Cecilia: Mom, Dad!
Mom: Look — either way… they are NOT in your closet.
Cecilia: But, Mom!
Mom: And that’s that. Now, go to sleep.
Cecilia: Ohhhh…
Mom: That’s it!
[ Mom and Dad exit the bedroom and hits the lights ]
[ Cecilia watches in fear as a pink light appears from her closet ]
Cecilia: Oh… Smash Mouth… Smash Mouth… Smash Mouth…
[ she climbs out of bed ]
[ suddenly, the band Smash Mouth bursts through the wall, singing ]
Smash Mouth: [ singing ]
“Somebody once told me, the world was going to roll me –“
Cecilia: MOM!! MOM!! MOM!!
[ Mom rushes in, as the band quickly freezes in place ]
Mom: CECILIA!!
Cecilia: SMASH MOUTH!! [ she points at the band ]
Mom: No one is in here!
Cecilia: What?!
Mom: Baby, baby, baby, here. What happens when Smash Mouth comes?
Cecilia: They sing that song.
Mom: Now, what’s so bad about that? Do you agree that that it’s a catchy song?
Cecilia: Yeah.
Mom: Didn’t you set your end-of-the-year soccer montage video to that song?
Cecilia: Yeah.
Mom: And weren’t you excited when Mr. Gordon played it when he juggled in the faculty talent show?
Cecilia: Yeah.
Mom: Yeah. What about when your unemployed cousin made it his ring tone?
Cecilia: Yeah.
Mom: And aren’t you THRILLED when it plays in the bathroom of that Baja Fresh?
Cecilia: Always.
Mom: Now, those are happy times, right? [ Cecilia nods ] Smash Mouth may not be Mozart, but they never claimed to be. They’re just some positive guys from San Jose who are trying to have some fun.
[ the band nods at this positive description of themselves ]
Mom: They’re chill bros, Cecilia. Smash Mouth is nothing to be afraid of. Does this sound scary to you? [ singing ] “So much to do, so much to see, so what’s wrong with taking the back street?”
Cecilia: [ singing ] “You’ll never know if you don’t go!”
Mom: [ singing ] “You’ll never shine if you don’t glow!”
[ the band takes center stage and Dad runs into the room to join the fun ]
All: “Hey now! You’re an all-star! Get your game on, go play!”
[ fade ]
