SNL Transcripts: Zack Galafianakis: 03/06/10: Bidet


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend


Attendant…..Andy Samberg
Male Guest…..Zack Galafiankis
Female Guest…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, Hotel Del Coronado in Coronado, California ] [ dissolve to interior, suite bathroom ]

Attendant: And the bathrooms in each of our executive suites come with a whirlpool tub, radiant heating and a rainfall shower head.

Male Guest: Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Female Guest: It’s neat!

Attendant: And, If you follow me, I can show you the master bedroom.

Male Guest: And the… [ dramatic pause ] bidet… comes standard?

Attendant: Uh — yes, you’ll find a bidet in all our executive suites.

Female Guest: And, uh, there’s no additional charge for using the, uh… bidet? No per use fee or debit system?

Attendant: No, ma’am, use of the bidet is complimentary.

Female Guest: Very nice, very nice. Good to know.

Attendant: Would you like to see the master bedroom?

Female Guest: And, uh, the bidet… is in good, working order… the bidet?

Attendant: I believe so, yes.

Male Guest: And there’s a… a sturdiness to it… the bidet? It can… accommodate… a fairly heavy carriage?

Attendant: I think it’s a very standard bidet.

Male Guest: Hmmm, I see.

Female Guest: Good, good, good. And the… water pressure?

Male Guest: Ah, yes. And the water pressure… in the bidet? Should it prove… insufficient… is there an adjustment… that can be made… to possibly increase… the pressure substantially?

Attendant: I don’t think so, no.

Male Guest: Hmm, I see.

Attendant: Our sheets in the bedroom boast a 600 thread count.

Male Guest: And the bidet, should it break — is there a… bidet repairman on site?

Attendant: If there’s any problem with the bathroom —

Female Guest: It would be the bidet.

Male Guest: The bidet.

Attendant: We would just call a plumber.

Female Guest: And, uh, this plumber, he can handle even the most… extreme bidet problems?

Attendant: He’s a very competent plumber.

Male Guest: And should the bidet… be damaged beyond repair… how soon… would you be able to replace it with a new bidet?

Attendant: I really don’t know the answer to that.

Male Guest: Hmm. That’s worrisome.

Female Guest: I don’t want to hear that. And… should we have, uh, an unexpected overnight guest… do you offer a roll-away bidet?

Attendant: I don’t believe that exists.

Male Guest: It’s 2010. You would think —

Female Guest: You could draw up a plan.

Male Guest: And are there any… hidden cameras in the bathroom… that might be ble to record whatever is taking place in or around the bidet? Perhaps a toilet cam?

Attendant: No, there are no cameras anywhere in the bathroom.

Female Guest: Hmm. That’s a shame.

Male Guest: That’s too bad.

Female Guest: And… the nearest hospital? That would be?

Attendant: St. George Medical Center. It’s about three miles east of the hotel.

Male Guest: And their ambulances… do they have bidets? Or would there be a gap… between the hotel and the hospital… bidetwise?

Attendant: I doubt the ambulances have bidets. I also doubt the hospital has a bidet.

Male Guest: And with the doctors at the hospital… there’s an understood confidentiality, correct?

Female Guest: They’re seasoned professionals? They’ve “seen it all”, so to speak?

Male Guest: They’ve had their gag reflexes removed, haven’t they?

Attendant: Okay, you know what? I’m going to just leave you two alone.

Female Guest: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you go, let us give you a little something for your trouble.

[ she hands the boy a soggy dollar bill ]

Attendant: Uh — why is this wet?

Male Guest: I’m not going to lie to you — [ he pulls out another soggy dollar and hands it over ] It involves a bidet.

[ the boy chucks the dollar bills to the floor and exits the bathroom, leaving the couple to look exasperatedly at their wet money on the floor ] [ cut back to exterior, hotel ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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