Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 16
Male Guest…..Zack Galafiankis
Female Guest…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on exterior, Hotel Del Coronado in Coronado, California ] [ dissolve to interior, suite bathroom ]
Attendant: And the bathrooms in each of our executive suites come with a whirlpool tub, radiant heating and a rainfall shower head.
Male Guest: Hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Female Guest: It’s neat!
Attendant: And, If you follow me, I can show you the master bedroom.
Male Guest: And the… [ dramatic pause ] bidet… comes standard?
Attendant: Uh — yes, you’ll find a bidet in all our executive suites.
Female Guest: And, uh, there’s no additional charge for using the, uh… bidet? No per use fee or debit system?
Attendant: No, ma’am, use of the bidet is complimentary.
Female Guest: Very nice, very nice. Good to know.
Attendant: Would you like to see the master bedroom?
Female Guest: And, uh, the bidet… is in good, working order… the bidet?
Attendant: I believe so, yes.
Male Guest: And there’s a… a sturdiness to it… the bidet? It can… accommodate… a fairly heavy carriage?
Attendant: I think it’s a very standard bidet.
Male Guest: Hmmm, I see.
Female Guest: Good, good, good. And the… water pressure?
Male Guest: Ah, yes. And the water pressure… in the bidet? Should it prove… insufficient… is there an adjustment… that can be made… to possibly increase… the pressure substantially?
Attendant: I don’t think so, no.
Male Guest: Hmm, I see.
Attendant: Our sheets in the bedroom boast a 600 thread count.
Male Guest: And the bidet, should it break — is there a… bidet repairman on site?
Attendant: If there’s any problem with the bathroom —
Female Guest: It would be the bidet.
Male Guest: The bidet.
Attendant: We would just call a plumber.
Female Guest: And, uh, this plumber, he can handle even the most… extreme bidet problems?
Attendant: He’s a very competent plumber.
Male Guest: And should the bidet… be damaged beyond repair… how soon… would you be able to replace it with a new bidet?
Attendant: I really don’t know the answer to that.
Male Guest: Hmm. That’s worrisome.
Female Guest: I don’t want to hear that. And… should we have, uh, an unexpected overnight guest… do you offer a roll-away bidet?
Attendant: I don’t believe that exists.
Male Guest: It’s 2010. You would think —
Female Guest: You could draw up a plan.
Male Guest: And are there any… hidden cameras in the bathroom… that might be ble to record whatever is taking place in or around the bidet? Perhaps a toilet cam?
Attendant: No, there are no cameras anywhere in the bathroom.
Female Guest: Hmm. That’s a shame.
Male Guest: That’s too bad.
Female Guest: And… the nearest hospital? That would be?
Attendant: St. George Medical Center. It’s about three miles east of the hotel.
Male Guest: And their ambulances… do they have bidets? Or would there be a gap… between the hotel and the hospital… bidetwise?
Attendant: I doubt the ambulances have bidets. I also doubt the hospital has a bidet.
Male Guest: And with the doctors at the hospital… there’s an understood confidentiality, correct?
Female Guest: They’re seasoned professionals? They’ve “seen it all”, so to speak?
Male Guest: They’ve had their gag reflexes removed, haven’t they?
Attendant: Okay, you know what? I’m going to just leave you two alone.
Female Guest: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you go, let us give you a little something for your trouble.[ she hands the boy a soggy dollar bill ]
Attendant: Uh — why is this wet?
Male Guest: I’m not going to lie to you — [ he pulls out another soggy dollar and hands it over ] It involves a bidet.[ the boy chucks the dollar bills to the floor and exits the bathroom, leaving the couple to look exasperatedly at their wet money on the floor ] [ cut back to exterior, hotel ] [ fade ]