SNL Transcripts: Zack Galafianakis: 03/06/10: Bidet

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend


Attendant…..Andy Samberg
Male Guest…..Zack Galafiankis
Female Guest…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, Hotel Del Coronado in Coronado, California ] [ dissolve to interior, suite bathroom ]

Attendant: And the bathrooms in each of our executive suites come with a whirlpool tub, radiant heating and a rainfall shower head.

Male Guest: Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Female Guest: It’s neat!

Attendant: And, If you follow me, I can show you the master bedroom.

Male Guest: And the… [ dramatic pause ] bidet… comes standard?

Attendant: Uh — yes, you’ll find a bidet in all our executive suites.

Female Guest: And, uh, there’s no additional charge for using the, uh… bidet? No per use fee or debit system?

Attendant: No, ma’am, use of the bidet is complimentary.

Female Guest: Very nice, very nice. Good to know.

Attendant: Would you like to see the master bedroom?

Female Guest: And, uh, the bidet… is in good, working order… the bidet?

Attendant: I believe so, yes.

Male Guest: And there’s a… a sturdiness to it… the bidet? It can… accommodate… a fairly heavy carriage?

Attendant: I think it’s a very standard bidet.

Male Guest: Hmmm, I see.

Female Guest: Good, good, good. And the… water pressure?

Male Guest: Ah, yes. And the water pressure… in the bidet? Should it prove… insufficient… is there an adjustment… that can be made… to possibly increase… the pressure substantially?

Attendant: I don’t think so, no.

Male Guest: Hmm, I see.

Attendant: Our sheets in the bedroom boast a 600 thread count.

Male Guest: And the bidet, should it break — is there a… bidet repairman on site?

Attendant: If there’s any problem with the bathroom —

Female Guest: It would be the bidet.

Male Guest: The bidet.

Attendant: We would just call a plumber.

Female Guest: And, uh, this plumber, he can handle even the most… extreme bidet problems?

Attendant: He’s a very competent plumber.

Male Guest: And should the bidet… be damaged beyond repair… how soon… would you be able to replace it with a new bidet?

Attendant: I really don’t know the answer to that.

Male Guest: Hmm. That’s worrisome.

Female Guest: I don’t want to hear that. And… should we have, uh, an unexpected overnight guest… do you offer a roll-away bidet?

Attendant: I don’t believe that exists.

Male Guest: It’s 2010. You would think —

Female Guest: You could draw up a plan.

Male Guest: And are there any… hidden cameras in the bathroom… that might be ble to record whatever is taking place in or around the bidet? Perhaps a toilet cam?

Attendant: No, there are no cameras anywhere in the bathroom.

Female Guest: Hmm. That’s a shame.

Male Guest: That’s too bad.

Female Guest: And… the nearest hospital? That would be?

Attendant: St. George Medical Center. It’s about three miles east of the hotel.

Male Guest: And their ambulances… do they have bidets? Or would there be a gap… between the hotel and the hospital… bidetwise?

Attendant: I doubt the ambulances have bidets. I also doubt the hospital has a bidet.

Male Guest: And with the doctors at the hospital… there’s an understood confidentiality, correct?

Female Guest: They’re seasoned professionals? They’ve “seen it all”, so to speak?

Male Guest: They’ve had their gag reflexes removed, haven’t they?

Attendant: Okay, you know what? I’m going to just leave you two alone.

Female Guest: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you go, let us give you a little something for your trouble.

[ she hands the boy a soggy dollar bill ]

Attendant: Uh — why is this wet?

Male Guest: I’m not going to lie to you — [ he pulls out another soggy dollar and hands it over ] It involves a bidet.

[ the boy chucks the dollar bills to the floor and exits the bathroom, leaving the couple to look exasperatedly at their wet money on the floor ] [ cut back to exterior, hotel ] [ fade ]

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