SNL Transcripts: Zack Galafianakis: 03/06/10: Health Care Reform



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16




09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Health Care Reform

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Harry Reid…..Will Forte
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer…..Jim Downey

FADE IN:

[ CSPAN TITLE CARD – PRESIDENT OBAMA SPEAKS ON HEALTH CARE REFORM ]

Announcer: Next on CSPAN, earlier today, President Obama addressed ameeting of the American Nursing Association, where he spoke about healthcare reform.

[ INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY ]

[ PRESIDENT OBAMA, Senate Majority Leader HARRY REID and House SpeakerNANCY PELOSI stand at a podium. American flags drape the backdrop andseveral cameras flash. ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Good afternoon. Nearly 16years ago, in 1993 and 1994, a newly elected Democratic President, BillClinton, working with both Democratic majorities in the House and Senate,attempted to pass the first health care reform in a generation.

Predictably, the forces of the status quo went into action. The bill wasattacked relentlessly. Unfairly distorted and so unfairly popular — itwas finally abandoned. That fall of 1994, the Democratic Speaker of theHouse was defeated in his own district and the Republicans took over bothhouses of Congress.

I am here today joined by House Speaker Pelosi and Senate Majority LeaderReid to tell the American people, “This is not going to happen again!”Now, polls may show the health care bill currently before Congress issurprisingly unpopular.

Nancy Pelosi: They really don’t like it.

Harry Reid: I thought it would be much more unpopular. I mean, more popular, excuse me.

Nancy Pelosi: I was stumped.

President Barack Obama: All the same. It is not going to be abandoned. It is a goodbill. A good bill, that we have perhaps, have failed to properly explain.Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Reid have assured me that, unpopular itmay be, in the days ahead, this bill will be passed by both the House andthe Senate and be sent to my desk for its signature.

Finally after decades of effort, we will have real health care reform.Even though I have said it may not be “popular”. Or “viewed favorably byAmericans”. Or “what the people want us to do”. Naturally, the same forcesthat fought reform 16 years ago are back! Trying to convince members ofCongress a vote for this legislation is political suicide.

Now granted this bill is very unpopular, but come on! Does anyoneseriously think Nancy Pelosi could lose in her San Francisco district? Aplace where Republican candidates finish fourth behind professionaldominatrixes. And homeless people! Let’s get real — that’s not gonnahappen.

Now Senator Reid, I’ll admit, is in a different situation. He’s up forre-election this fall in Nevada where health care reform is especiallyunpopular. I’m not sure why, but it is. Really, really unpopular. Angrymob unpopular.

So let’s be frank — Harry Reid could lose this November but let me makesomething clear — I don’t think he will. Or it won’t be because of thisunpopular health care bill. After all, he’s got other problems. Healthcare could poll at 100% and Harry Reid would still have problems.

[ Senator Reid frowns and nods his head out of reluctant unison. ]

President Barack Obama: I think even Harry would agree that he’s not the mosttelegenic or charismatic guy around.

[ The President turns to Speaker Pelosi. ]

President Barack Obama: Am I right about that?

[ Speaker Pelosi nods. ]

President Barack Obama: Plus, he’s been hurt by the other sleazy deals he cut withother senators in order to get health care passed. I mean, you have toadmit, they were sleazy.

Harry Reid: They were, they were…

President Barack Obama: I mean — The Cornhusker Kickback!? It just smelled bad.

Harry Reid: It did, it did…

President Barack Obama: Also, Harry hasn’t been able to spend much time back inNevada campaigning as he’s been working in Washington on this deeplyunpopular health care bill. But that doesn’t help. But I still wouldn’tcount Harry Reid out. He’s a scrapper. Plus, even if he loses, we’ll stillhave enough Democratic senators for a majority. I mean, no offense.

Harry Reid: None taken.

President Barack Obama: I mean, who knows, we might be better off without him! Idon’t know.

Harry Reid: Maybe…

President Barack Obama: But I’ll tell you what! Even with all of Harry’s problems,I’ll bet he makes it. Although you never know — Nevada’s weird. Now Nancyhere, I’m sure of. C’mon! San Francisco!

Nancy Pelosi: I feel pretty good!

President Barack Obama: As for myself, I will unfortunately not be on the ballotthis fall. I wish I could be, because unlike this health care bill, I amreally, really popular.

[ The President chuckles. ]

President Barack Obama: You’ll see what I mean in 2012… Thank you and “Live, fromNew York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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