Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 16
Gene Shemp….Zack Galafiniakis
Wanda Gail Shemp….Jenny Slate
Lydia Shemp….Kristen Wiig
Leland Lee Lind….Bill Hader
[Opens in a tacky pageant looking talk show. Gene sings with his white tuxedo, puffed up hairdo, mustache. His daughter dressed like a Miss Teen contestant, tiara et cetera]
Caption: Pageant Talk
Gene Shemp: [sings] Catch a star and watch a star here on “Pageant Talk” with Gene.
Wanda Gail Shemp: And Wanda Gail Shee-e-e-emp!
Gene Shemp:[loud, gay] I wrote that song and thank you so much. Hi, I’m Gene Shemp and this is my beautiful daughter, 3-time winner Miss Teen Gulf Coast, Wanda Gail Shemp!
Wanda Gail Shemp: Hi, I’m Wanda Gail Shemp.
Lydia Shemp: [miserable woman smoking, bag of Cheetos] What the hell? Ain’t nobody gonna introduce me?
Gene Shemp: [not thrilled] Sorry, here’s my wife of thirteen long years, Lydia Shemp.
Lydia Shemp: Pageants are a waste of money.
Gene Shemp: You are the worst!
Lydia Shemp: You are! You old queen!
Gene Shemp: You hooked up with it! You decided to marry it! I told you I wasn’t into it! You said it didn’t matter!
Lydia Shemp: It does matters to me!
Gene Shemp: Oh, why don’t you just smoke more![Lydia throws an used ashtray at Gene]
Wanda Gail Shemp: [Gene mimics silently Wanda’s every word] I believe….I believe in life everyone should follow their dreams.
Gene Shemp: Well, I’m chomping at the bits to see who our first guest is! He is a pageant coordinator for most of the pageants on the southeast! Leland Lee Lind!
Leland Lee Lind: Hi y’all. Thanks for having me. I can’t talk a lot today cause I was screaming all last night.
Gene Shemp: [laughing] You’re nasty! And you are wearing the hell outta those acid wash jeans! The hell outta them!
Lydia Shemp: Why don’t you marry those acid wash jeans if you love ’em so much? Hey, don’t worry acid wash jeans, he’ll never touch ya’.
Gene Shemp: I resent that. I resent everything you just said.
Leland Lee Lind: Who is this woman?
Gene Shemp: My wife.
Leland Lee Lind: [supergay] Wha-a-a-at?!
Wanda Gail Shemp: So Leland….[Lydia throws another ashtray at Gene] So Leland, what’s out in pageants this year? Thank you.
Leland Lee Lind: Up do poofs.
Gene Shemp: OH, I’VE SAID IT MYSELF LAST YEAR! IF I SEE ONE MORE UP DO POOF I’LL HAVE TO GET MYSELF DOWN ON A HOT SHOWER!!
Leland Lee Lind: O-M-G! Way too much info, Ge-e-e-ene.
Gene Shemp: Sorry about all the smoke.
Lydia Shemp: I assume you’re talking about me? Just let me smoke. It is my only joy in life.
Gene Shemp: You are the worst! You smell like a bunch of stinky old Bojangles Bah–[Zack starts cracking up] sausage biscuits![Everyone holds laughter in the cast] [Lydia throws ashtray at Gene]
Lydia Shemp: I’m gonna be in the car-truck. I need some fresh air. I’m going to go outside and smoke. [leaves]
Wanda Gail Shemp: [ again Gene mouthing every word Wanda says] Well, thank you so much for joining us on “Pageant Talk”. And remember, keep reaching for the stars because stars don’t have arms to reach for you.
Gene Shemp: I wrote all that beautiful stuff about the stars!
Wanda Gail Shemp: I love you daddy, thank you.
Gene Shemp: You’re welcome and good night!
Pageant Talk logo.[cheers and applause] [fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel