SNL Transcripts: Zack Galafianakis: 03/06/10: Pageant Talk


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Pageant Talk

Gene Shemp….Zack Galafiniakis
Wanda Gail Shemp….Jenny Slate
Lydia Shemp….Kristen Wiig
Leland Lee Lind….Bill Hader

[Opens in a tacky pageant looking talk show. Gene sings with his white tuxedo, puffed up hairdo, mustache. His daughter dressed like a Miss Teen contestant, tiara et cetera]

Caption: Pageant Talk

Gene Shemp: [sings] Catch a star and watch a star here on “Pageant Talk” with Gene.

Wanda Gail Shemp: And Wanda Gail Shee-e-e-emp!

[song ends, they sit]

Gene Shemp:[loud, gay] I wrote that song and thank you so much. Hi, I’m Gene Shemp and this is my beautiful daughter, 3-time winner Miss Teen Gulf Coast, Wanda Gail Shemp!

Wanda Gail Shemp: Hi, I’m Wanda Gail Shemp.

Lydia Shemp: [miserable woman smoking, bag of Cheetos] What the hell? Ain’t nobody gonna introduce me?

Gene Shemp: [not thrilled] Sorry, here’s my wife of thirteen long years, Lydia Shemp.

Lydia Shemp: Pageants are a waste of money.

Gene Shemp: You are the worst!

Lydia Shemp: You are! You old queen!

Gene Shemp: You hooked up with it! You decided to marry it! I told you I wasn’t into it! You said it didn’t matter!

Lydia Shemp: It does matters to me!

Gene Shemp: Oh, why don’t you just smoke more!

[Lydia throws an used ashtray at Gene]

Wanda Gail Shemp: [Gene mimics silently Wanda’s every word] I believe….I believe in life everyone should follow their dreams.

Gene Shemp: Well, I’m chomping at the bits to see who our first guest is! He is a pageant coordinator for most of the pageants on the southeast! Leland Lee Lind!

[Leland comes out and does a swishy little dance, sits next to Lydia]

Leland Lee Lind: Hi y’all. Thanks for having me. I can’t talk a lot today cause I was screaming all last night.

Gene Shemp: [laughing] You’re nasty! And you are wearing the hell outta those acid wash jeans! The hell outta them!

Lydia Shemp: Why don’t you marry those acid wash jeans if you love ’em so much? Hey, don’t worry acid wash jeans, he’ll never touch ya’.

Gene Shemp: I resent that. I resent everything you just said.

Leland Lee Lind: Who is this woman?

Gene Shemp: My wife.

Leland Lee Lind: [supergay] Wha-a-a-at?!

Wanda Gail Shemp: So Leland….[Lydia throws another ashtray at Gene] So Leland, what’s out in pageants this year? Thank you.

Leland Lee Lind: Up do poofs.


Leland Lee Lind: O-M-G! Way too much info, Ge-e-e-ene.

Gene Shemp: Sorry about all the smoke.

Lydia Shemp: I assume you’re talking about me? Just let me smoke. It is my only joy in life.

Gene Shemp: You are the worst! You smell like a bunch of stinky old Bojangles Bah–[Zack starts cracking up] sausage biscuits!

[Everyone holds laughter in the cast] [Lydia throws ashtray at Gene]

Lydia Shemp: I’m gonna be in the car-truck. I need some fresh air. I’m going to go outside and smoke. [leaves]

Wanda Gail Shemp: [ again Gene mouthing every word Wanda says] Well, thank you so much for joining us on “Pageant Talk”. And remember, keep reaching for the stars because stars don’t have arms to reach for you.

Gene Shemp: I wrote all that beautiful stuff about the stars!

Wanda Gail Shemp: I love you daddy, thank you.

Gene Shemp: You’re welcome and good night!

Pageant Talk logo.

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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