Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 16
09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend
Zach Drops By The Set
…..Brian Williams
…..Zack Galafiankis
…..Dr. Mahmet Oz
…..Jeremy Sisto
…..Anthony Anderson
[ title card: “Zach Drops By The Set”, over cheery piano music ]
[ dissolve to NBC Nightly News montage ]
Announcer: This is “NBC Nightly News” with Brian Williams.
[ dissolve to Brian Williams ]
Brian Williams: Coming up tonight on the broadcast, as we wind down another week, Senator John McCain tries to refire his political hopes in his home state of Arizona. While he was the GOP standard bearer last time around —
[ Zach Galifianakis appears in the window behind Williams ]
Brian Williams: He suddenly finds himself with a viable primary challenge in Arizona —
[ cut to “Showtime at the Apollo” ]
Announcer: “Showtime at the Apollo!”
Comedian: See, real hos still got the slave voice! “I don’t know, Sugar!”
[ reveal Black woman cracking up in the audience, with Zach seated between them, somewhat uncomfortable at having been caught on camera ]
[ cut to “The Dr. Oz Show” ]
Dr. Oz: [ demonstrating ] The deal is to appreciate what happens if you grow more of this fat. Because this is the right amount to have in your belly. Remember: it’s not the fat in your thighs and your ass that hurts you, it’s — [ Zach lifts his shirt ] Yeah, that’s it. That’s the fat.
[ cut to “30 Rock” ]
[ Jane Krakowski as Jenna approaches Jack McBrayer as Kenneth ]
Jane Krakowski: I you need to distract Tracy for the afternoon, so I can read a script.
Jack McBrayer: Oh, I don’t know. I’d love to, but it just doesn’t feel right.
[ Zach appears at the end of the hall, and makes his way toward the two characters while unwrapping a Werther’s Original ]
Zach Galifianakis: Are you guys doing a TV show or something? [ they stare at him ] I was in a Rascal Flatts video once.
[ cut to a birthday party being recorded on a camcorder, SUPER: “Madison’s 11th Birthday – Nov. 8 2002, 3:38 PM” ]
[ the camera pans among the kids in the living room to reveal Zach seated uncomfortably on the couch ]
Zach Galifianakis: Is this a movie?
Voice: Yeah.
[ cut to “Law & Order” ]
[ SUPER: “Apartment of Carmen Yonks, 183 Lexington Avenue, Saturday March 6” ]
[ dissolve to exterior street scene ]
Landlord: Seemed like a nice enough girl. Always paid her rent on time.
Jeremy Sisto: She ran a high class call girl ring. Did you look the other way in exchange for the services?
[ Zach appears in the background carrying groceries ]
Landlord: No, man. That’s crazy. I ain’t that kind of guy.
[ Zach holds up his cell phone and snaps a picture ]
Jeremy Sisto: Really? You know what? She kept better books than you, pal.
[ Zach dials a number on his cell phone ]
Zach Galifianakis: I’m on the set of “Law & Order” right now. Yeah. They’re talking to a bad guy.
[ the actors turn to look at him ]
Zach Galifianakis: How you doing? Is this part of the show? Freeze! [ into his phone ] Yeah, I’m right here. I’m with them right now. Hold on one second. Hold on one second. [ he hands his phone to Anthony Anderson ] It’s my Aunt Louise.
Anthony Anderson: Alright. Take it back — take it from the top.
Zach Galifianakis: Hey, Anthony! [ he squats and mimes firing a gun ]
[ cut to SNL opening montage, 1983-84 ]
Announcer: It’s “Saturday Night Live”!
[ cut to Robin Williams performing his monologue ]
Robin Williams: You know what I’m saying? Not too many people doing some break-skating, like — ow!! Check it out!
[ cut to a family laughing in the audience, with a bearded little boy in the middle ]
[ SUPER: “Zach Galifianakis: On TV For Over 30 Years” ]
[ fade ]