Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 17
Talk Show with Ravish
Ravish’s dad….Fred Armisen
[Opens with a misty landscape. Channel 10, Edison, NJ] [cuts to a living room turned TV studio in a Hindu family] [Logo Talk Show with Ravish. Photo of emotionless Ravish]
Ravish’s Dad: Live from Vanacheck, New Jersey. It’s “Talk Show with Ravish”. And now here’s your host, my son, child prodigy. He’s a very good boy, well behaved and will be a jolly good talk show host, Ravish Vandrashekeran.[nerdy Ravish appears, big glasses]
Ravish: Hello. Welcome to our home. I am Ravish. My father always wanted for me to work hard and become doctor. Then he read that Mister David Letterman makes over 31 and half million dollars per year. Now he wants me to be talk show host. So I try.
Ravish’s Dad: Heh, heh, heh. That was a very good monologue. Good one. Ok Sabina. Play him over.
Ravish: My sister Sabina on violin everyone. [applause] How was your schooling today, Sabina?
Sabina: I work very hard. And I get high marks.
Ravish: I also received high marks.
Ravish’s Dad: Heh, heh, this is very good banter.
Ravish: Now we are going to do a new segment where we ask questions in the street.
Ravish’s Dad: That’s right. It’s Jay Leno Walking with Ravish.
Ravish’s Dad: What is the capital of Finland?
Ravish’s Dad: Yes. What is the surface area of the planet Jupiter?
Ravish: 62. 2 billion kilometers squared.
Ravish’s Dad: In miles?
Ravish: 24.1 billion miles.
Ravish’s Dad: Correct. It’s been Jay Leno Walking with Ravish.[back to the show]
Ravish: My first guest came into father’s store today and agreed to be here for discount on rug. Please welcome, from movies, Mr. Jude Law.[actor Jude Law appears and sits next to Ravish]
Jude Law: Hello there Ravish. It’s a pleasure to be here–
Ravish’s Dad: Take off your shoes!
Jude Law: Sorry, sorry. [takes off shoes]
Ravish: Thank you for being here. Most nights my guest is my uncle. [uncle wearing a turban drinks from bottle] Mr. Law, I know that you grew up in the London borough of Lewisham.
Jude Law: Yes, I did. Yes.
Ravish: Population 261,600 persons according to the 2008 census.
Jude Law: Hey, you know your stuff. That’s very good.
Ravish: I also know that you were educated at the National Youth Music Theater.
Jude Law: Yep, that’s right. I’m very impressed, Ravish.
Ravish: [nerdy pride] Aaahh, yeah. In 2004, you made the movie “Alfie” which cost 60 million dollars American but only grossed 13.4 million.
Jude Law: [embarrassed] Oh, yeah, you know, Ravish what really matters is—
Ravish: Therefore the total loss of the film was—
Jude Law: [desperate, interrupts] Right, we don’t have to go through all that now—
Ravish’s Dad: No, no.no. Let him study mathematics. He must study this to be bloody good talk show host.
Ravish: 46 million lost. Lost.
Jude Law: Thanks. Thanks Ravish, for that very accurate reminder.
Ravish: You’re very welcome.
Ravish’s Dad: My Ravish work very, very hard. Takes every night to be talk show host. Not like lazy-bones Craig Ferguson.
Jude Law: Well, you’re very good at it. Why don’t we change the subject?
Ravish: Ok. According to the “National Enquirer” in December 2008 you impregnated a woman—
Jude Law: [panicked] Oh, ok, that’s enough, Ravish.
Ravish: But I read, I study…
Jude Law: Yes, but Ravish, that tabloid stuff isn’t really necessarily nice to talk about in an interview. Maybe I should just go.
Ravish’s Dad: Do you mean that my Ravish is not a good talk show host? That he failed?[panicky faces on Ravish and Sabina, uncle sleeps drunk]
Jude Law: No. No, no, no. Ravish, I’m sorry. You’re a bloody good talk show host. I give you an A plus. And I’m gonna tell all my actor friends to appear on your show.
Ravish: [ecstatic] Oh, yeah! Do it.
Ravish’s Dad: I’m very proud of you my son. [hugs him]
Ravish: Thank you, father. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jude Law. [applause] [Jude puts on his shoes]
Ravish’s Dad: Now we take family picture. Come on.
Ravish: You too Mr. Law. Come in.[The whole family poses with Jude for a photo. Uncle drunken dancing] [photo of rug store]
Announcer: Clothes provided by “Vandrashekeran July Fourth Rugs” in Edison NJ. Guests on “Talk Show with Ravish” must take off their shoes![cheers and applause] [fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel