Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 17
Secret Word
Lyle Round…..Bill Hader
Mindy Grayson…..Kristen Wiig
Vladmir Kuchev…..Jude Law
Lenny Doyle…..Kenan Thompson
Dan Durnst…..Fred Armisen
Announcer 1: Youre watching the Game Show Network. Coming up next, Secret Word!
Announcer 2: Its time to play the game the stars play, Secret Word! With your host, Lyle Round!
[Lyle Round enters from backstage; the audience applauses]Lyle Round: Hello! Hello everyone! Im Lyle Round, and we got a great show for you, and it looks like our contestants are ready, so why dont we bring out the stars! Our first guess is someone you may not recognize as a celebrity, because she is better known for her work on the Broadway stage, please welcome Mindy Gracin!
Mindy Grayson: Look at me!
Lyle Round: Good to have you back. Next we have Russian ballet star, Vladimir Kuchev! [Vladimir enters by doing demi-pointe work on and off the stage] Vladimir, Vladimir, Vladimir! [Vladimir comes back by semi-leaping to the other side, then stretching his leg on the table] Alright!
Vladmir Kuchev: Theyve not yet worn though!
Lyle Round: Okay, why dont you have a seat? Have a seat, have a seat! Alright, so whats new with you, Vladimir?
Vladmir Kuchev: Ive recently defected from my country so I can be ballet dancer in America! [Vladimir stands up, his very large bulge is visible and he stretches his leg on the table again] You see?
Lyle Round: Oh, VERY nice! Very nice. Well a coin was tossed backstage and Mindys team won the toss, are you ready?
Mindy Grayson: Lyle, I, am, prepared, to play, SECRET WORD! [Mindy stretches her arms up, one hand going over her teammates face]
Lyle Round: Quiet from the audience and ten seconds from the clock.
Announcer 2: The secret word is gown.
Mindy Grayson: [Clock starts ticking] Alright. I know about these… how am I going to do this? Alright… [inhales deeply, then exhales] Oh, I know. Goooooooowwwwwwwwnnnnnnn! [Buzzer rings; Mindy shakes her head]
Lyle Round: You just said the secret word, Mindy. The secret word was gown.
Mindy Grayson: Yes, I said it. I said the secret word, gown. Im an actress, thats my craft, its what I do, I read the page! Just like I did when I starred in the hit show [Stands up] Sassy Slacks of 1963!
Lyle Round: Okay, okay. Calm down, calm down. Before we go on, why dont we meet your partner? His name is Lenny Doyle, and I hear you have a very funny story for us.
Lenny Doyle: Well, I dont know how funny it is. I was arrested for walking around a neighborhood that families live in. [Mindy and Lyle laugh]
Lyle Round: Thats great. Now were glad youre here; lets move over to Vladimirs team. Lets meet his partner!
Dan Durnst: Uh, hi, Im Dan Durnst, Im a file clerk and I enjoy playing the handbells!
Mindy Grayson: I played a Southern belle in the Broadway show [Stands up] I Do Declare My Name is Dee Claire!
Lyle Round: I saw that, and it was awful. Lets move on, Vladimir, move on, youre up. Ten seconds on the clock.
Announcer 2: The secret word is vodka.
Vladmir Kuchev: This is too easy. You have this in the morning with beets.
Dan Durnst: Um, uh… Cheerios. I dont know.
Vladmir Kuchev: Nyet, nyet. If your baby is thirsty, it drinks this.
Dan Durnst: Uh… milk.
Vladmir Kuchev: NO! Concentrate! What is wrong with you? Youre embarrassing me!
Dan Durnst: Cheerios?
Mindy Grayson: Its vodka! I can see it right here on my screen, the secret word is Vodka. I can see it right here. [Buzzer goes off]
Lenny Doyle: Why are you helping them?
Lyle Round: We dont want any trouble, Lenny! I WILL call the police!
Lenny Doyle: Oh…
Vladmir Kuchev: Shes right! Its WODKA! Im sorry I yelled at you. [Puts his hand down Dans face] See, I have tender side.
Lyle Round: [Laughs] Yeah. Lets go back over to Mindys team. Ten seconds on the clock.
Announcer 2: The secret word is theater.
Mindy Grayson: Alright, listen very closely. Im not going to say theater. [Buzzer goes off] Theeeaaaaaaaaaaater! [Buzzer goes off four times] I said the secret word again. But this time I cannot be blamed, theaters in my bones! It has been since the stage debut [Stands up] And Sarah Made a Sound, the story of a mute girl who desperately wanted to say the word jazz!
Lyle Round: Take it easy. Take it easy. Thank you. Dan, its your turn to give to Vladimir.
Dan Durnst: Okay!
Announcer 2: The secret word is cake.
Dan Durnst: Okay, this is something you eat on your birthday.
Vladmir Kuchev: Sour cream and fish.
Dan Durnst: No.
Vladmir Kuchev: What do you mean, no?!
Dan Durnst: Its a dessert.
Vladmir Kuchev: Oh, of course. Steamed eggs in pickled water!
Lyle Round: Times almost up, Vladimir.
Mindy Grayson: [Walks over to Dans side] Its cake. Its right there on the screen. [Buzzer goes off]
Lyle Round: You know what? Before I kill someone, I think we know a break. Well be right back after a word from Career Girl Cigarettes!
Mindy Grayson: [Stands in front of panel] Thank you for watching! [Lyle tries to get her to sit down; title screen comes up]
Submitted by: Joe Murray
