SNL Transcripts: Jude Law: 03/13/10: Secret Word


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

Secret Word

Lyle Round…..Bill Hader
Mindy Grayson…..Kristen Wiig
Vladmir Kuchev…..Jude Law
Lenny Doyle…..Kenan Thompson
Dan Durnst…..Fred Armisen

Announcer 1: You’re watching the Game Show Network. Coming up next, Secret Word!

Announcer 2: It’s time to play the game the stars play, Secret Word! With your host, Lyle Round!

[Lyle Round enters from backstage; the audience applauses]

Lyle Round: Hello! Hello everyone! I’m Lyle Round, and we got a great show for you, and it looks like our contestants are ready, so why don’t we bring out the stars! Our first guess is someone you may not recognize as a celebrity, because she is better known for her work on the Broadway stage, please welcome Mindy Gracin!

[Mindy comes out to applause; she stands, smiling in somewhat of a haze]

Mindy Grayson: Look at me!

Lyle Round: Good to have you back. Next we have Russian ballet star, Vladimir Kuchev! [Vladimir enters by doing demi-pointe work on and off the stage] Vladimir, Vladimir, Vladimir! [Vladimir comes back by semi-leaping to the other side, then stretching his leg on the table] Alright!

Vladmir Kuchev: They’ve not yet worn though!

Lyle Round: Okay, why don’t you have a seat? Have a seat, have a seat! Alright, so what’s new with you, Vladimir?

Vladmir Kuchev: I’ve recently defected from my country so I can be ballet dancer in America! [Vladimir stands up, his very large bulge is visible and he stretches his leg on the table again] You see?

Lyle Round: Oh, VERY nice! Very nice. Well a coin was tossed backstage and Mindy’s team won the toss, are you ready?

Mindy Grayson: Lyle, I, am, prepared, to play, SECRET WORD! [Mindy stretches her arms up, one hand going over her teammate’s face]

Lyle Round: Quiet from the audience and ten seconds from the clock.

Announcer 2: The secret word is “gown.”

Mindy Grayson: [Clock starts ticking] Alright. I know about these… how am I going to do this? Alright… [inhales deeply, then exhales] Oh, I know. Goooooooowwwwwwwwnnnnnnn! [Buzzer rings; Mindy shakes her head]

Lyle Round: You just said the secret word, Mindy. The secret word was “gown.”

Mindy Grayson: Yes, I said it. I said the secret word, gown. I’m an actress, that’s my craft, it’s what I do, I read the page! Just like I did when I starred in the hit show [Stands up] Sassy Slacks of 1963!

Lyle Round: Okay, okay. Calm down, calm down. Before we go on, why don’t we meet your partner? His name is Lenny Doyle, and I hear you have a very funny story for us.

Lenny Doyle: Well, I don’t know how funny it is. I was arrested for walking around a neighborhood that families live in. [Mindy and Lyle laugh]

Lyle Round: That’s great. Now we’re glad you’re here; let’s move over to Vladimir’s team. Let’s meet his partner!

Dan Durnst: Uh, hi, I’m Dan Durnst, I’m a file clerk and I enjoy playing the handbells!

Mindy Grayson: I played a Southern belle in the Broadway show [Stands up] I Do Declare My Name is Dee Claire!

Lyle Round: I saw that, and it was awful. Let’s move on, Vladimir, move on, you’re up. Ten seconds on the clock.

Announcer 2: The secret word is “vodka.”

Vladmir Kuchev: This is too easy. You have this in the morning with beets.

Dan Durnst: Um, uh… Cheerios. I don’t know.

Vladmir Kuchev: Nyet, nyet. If your baby is thirsty, it drinks this.

Dan Durnst: Uh… milk.

Vladmir Kuchev: NO! Concentrate! What is wrong with you? You’re embarrassing me!

Dan Durnst: Cheerios?

Mindy Grayson: It’s vodka! I can see it right here on my screen, the secret word is Vodka. I can see it right here. [Buzzer goes off]

Lenny Doyle: Why are you helping them?

Lyle Round: We don’t want any trouble, Lenny! I WILL call the police!

Lenny Doyle: Oh…

Vladmir Kuchev: She’s right! It’s WODKA! I’m sorry I yelled at you. [Puts his hand down Dan’s face] See, I have tender side.

Lyle Round: [Laughs] Yeah. Let’s go back over to Mindy’s team. Ten seconds on the clock.

Announcer 2: The secret word is “theater.”

Mindy Grayson: Alright, listen very closely. I’m not going to say theater. [Buzzer goes off] Theeeaaaaaaaaaaater! [Buzzer goes off four times] I said the secret word again. But this time I cannot be blamed, theater’s in my bones! It has been since the stage debut [Stands up] And Sarah Made a Sound, the story of a mute girl who desperately wanted to say the word jazz!

Lyle Round: Take it easy. Take it easy. Thank you. Dan, it’s your turn to give to Vladimir.

Dan Durnst: Okay!

Announcer 2: The secret word is “cake.”

Dan Durnst: Okay, this is something you eat on your birthday.

Vladmir Kuchev: Sour cream and fish.

Dan Durnst: No.

Vladmir Kuchev: What do you mean, no?!

Dan Durnst: It’s a dessert.

Vladmir Kuchev: Oh, of course. Steamed eggs in pickled water!

Lyle Round: Time’s almost up, Vladimir.

Mindy Grayson: [Walks over to Dan’s side] It’s cake. It’s right there on the screen. [Buzzer goes off]

Lyle Round: You know what? Before I kill someone, I think we know a break. We’ll be right back after a word from Career Girl Cigarettes!

Mindy Grayson: [Stands in front of panel] Thank you for watching! [Lyle tries to get her to sit down; title screen comes up]

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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