Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 17
The Twilight Zone
Rod Serling…..Bill Hader
Stewardess…..Nasim edradThing…..Bobby Moynihan
Thing’s Wife…..Jenny Slate
[ open on Rod Serling standing in front of an airport terminal with creepy “Twilight Zone” music playing ]
Rod Serling: A man journeys from Point A to Point B. But this is no ordinary journey. For little does this man know, this trip ends in a dark, mysterious, terrible place: [ dramatic pause ] Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. And, also: The Twilight Zone.[ cut to exterior footage of a plane flying in the rain ] [ dissolve to interior, cabin, as a stewardess tends to her passengers ]
Husband: Ohhhh… oh, man! Will this storm EVER end?
Wife: [ chipper ] Oh, it’s fine, dear. HUNDREDS of planes fly through this kind of weather every day!
Husband: Yeah, but I’m not on those planes!
Wife: Oh, relax. It’ll be better if you try to sleep.
Husband: [ nodding ] Okay. Alright. I’ll try.[ he leans back, but first looks out the window as thunder flashes. He’s stunned by what he sees. ] [ cut to the exterior, wing, as a mysterious Thing stomps slowly toward the window, then does a low jump to pose menacingly in place ]
Husband: Honey! Honey, there’s something out there!
Wife: What? Where?
Husband: On the wing! I saw… something!
Wife: Let me see…[ she peers out the window, but the wing is now empty ]
Wife: I don’t see anything there.
Husband: I SAW it!! I SWEAR!! I did!![ she rubs his shoulder assuringly, as he glances out the window again ] [ the mysterious Thing is crouched low, smoking a cigarette. He notices the man staring at him, flicks the cigarette toward the window, then jumps back into his menacing pose. ]
Husband: There’s something out there on the wing! [ to everyone ] THERE’S SOMETHING OUT THERE!! THERE’S SOMETHING OUT THERE!![ the Stewardess runs forward ]
Stewardess: Sir, what is going on?
Husband: There’s a creature on the wing! It was smoking! Smoking on a plane!!
Stewardess: [ innocently ] Sir… everyone here is smoking on the plane.[ reveal the other passengers casually smoking on the plane, one of the many perks of aviation in 1963 ]
Husband: But the thing! It was —
Stewardess: I don’t see anything, sir. Now, try to get some rest, okay?[ she walks away ]
Husband: [ cracking up ] I swear I saw it!
Wife: Honey, it’s nothing. Just, please, get some rest.
Husband: Okay! Alright![ he seems relaxed, but can’t help but look out the window again ] [ reveal the Thing cooking barbecue on the wing, while wearing a “KISS ME, I’M REAL” t-shirt. He notices the man’s glance, and poses menacingly once again. ]
Husband: AAGGGHHHH!!! My God, it’s OUT there!!
Wife: WHAT is?!
Husband: I DON’T KNOW!! IT!! LOOK!!
Wife: [ she looks ] I don’t see anything! What was it doing?!
Husband: It was making grilled cedar-black salmon! I think it likes fish!
Wife: Oh, Bob! Bob, stop! This is crazy! This storm is getting to you, just go to sleep!
Husband: [ collecting himself ] Okay… alright… I’ll try.[ he looks out the window once again, and sees the Thing on a walking machine. The Thing notices the man’s stare, and thus jumps off into his menacing position. ]
Husband: OH!! NO!! It’s exercising!! STEWARDESS!! IT’S EXERCISING!!
Stewardess: [ running forward ] Sir!
Husband: IT’S EXERCISING!!
Stewardess: Sir, stop it!! Calm down! Nothing is out there!
Husband: You can’t see it?! It’s toning up! It seems healthy and… dangerous!
Stewardess: Sir, do you need a pill? Hmm? Because, unless you calm yourself, we’re going to have you arrested when you get on the ground! Now, can you settle down, sir?
Husband: Yes. Yes, I think I can. I — I — I’m okay.[ she closes the window curtain ]
Stewardess: Now, we have a long flight. Just don’t look out the window from now on. Can you do that, sir?
Husband: [ fumbling with his emotions ] I think so.
Stewardess: Good. Good night, sir.[ she walks away ] [ naturally, the man pulls back the curtain and peeks out the window again. The Thing is carrying a tiered cake from one stand to another. ]
Husband: Don’t look! No, he’s going to drop the cake! He’s trying to get it to the judge’s table! He — he can’t transfer that![ the Thing transfers the cake to the judge’s table, then jumps low into his menacing position for the man ]
Husband: You’re on a wing! It’s impossible! [ he blinks his eyes ] No, it’s fine. There’s nothing there… there’s nothing there! It’s okay.[ he looks out the window once more, and sees the Thing chatting it up with Pearl Jam. They all notice his stare and thus jump down into their menacing positions. ]
Husband: OH, NO!! OH, NO, NO, NO!! You have to stop that Thing!!
Stewardess: [ running forward ] Sir! You can’t do this, sir!
Husband: No, no, no! I’m going out there!
Stewardess: No! Sir![ the man pries the window open, then screams as the Thing climbs in through the window ]
Thing: FINALLY!! I was freezing my BALLS off out there!! Geez! Make decisions much?! Man! [ to Stewardess ] Hey, I’m in 23-C. [ she points to the man’s seat ] Oh. I’m sorry. Hey, I’m in 23-C?
Husband: That’s, uh, that’s my seat.
Thing: Oh. Uh — [ he chuckles ]
Wife: I’m in 23-D.
Thing: Oh! Okay. I’m sorry. I hate to be a pain, but would you guys mind moving so that my wife and I could sit next to each other?[ his own furry wife steps forward ]
Thing’s Wife: Oh, I’m so sorry. Hi!
Husband: No, no, no, no — of course!
Thing: Thank you so much!
Thing’s Wife: Thank you so much![ they make their pleasantries and swap seats ]
Thing: Oh, wow! Finally, I can relax.[ camera pans across the aisle to Rod Serling seated ]
Rod Serling: The nightmare in the sky is over, but, on the ground, a man who is deciding exercise for the very first time… is killed by a falling eliptical machine — and, also, members of Pearl Jam. Another coincidence that can only happen… in The Twlight Zone.[ cut to titles ] [ fade ]