SNL Transcripts: Jude Law: 03/13/10: The Twilight Zone


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 17

09q: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

The Twilight Zone

Rod Serling…..Bill Hader
Husband…..Jude Law
Wife…..Abby Elliott
Stewardess…..Nasim edradThing…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Pearl Jam
Thing’s Wife…..Jenny Slate

[ open on Rod Serling standing in front of an airport terminal with creepy “Twilight Zone” music playing ]

Rod Serling: A man journeys from Point A to Point B. But this is no ordinary journey. For little does this man know, this trip ends in a dark, mysterious, terrible place: [ dramatic pause ] Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. And, also: The Twilight Zone.

[ cut to exterior footage of a plane flying in the rain ] [ dissolve to interior, cabin, as a stewardess tends to her passengers ]

Husband: Ohhhh… oh, man! Will this storm EVER end?

Wife: [ chipper ] Oh, it’s fine, dear. HUNDREDS of planes fly through this kind of weather every day!

Husband: Yeah, but I’m not on those planes!

Wife: Oh, relax. It’ll be better if you try to sleep.

Husband: [ nodding ] Okay. Alright. I’ll try.

[ he leans back, but first looks out the window as thunder flashes. He’s stunned by what he sees. ] [ cut to the exterior, wing, as a mysterious Thing stomps slowly toward the window, then does a low jump to pose menacingly in place ]

Husband: Honey! Honey, there’s something out there!

Wife: What? Where?

Husband: On the wing! I saw… something!

Wife: Let me see…

[ she peers out the window, but the wing is now empty ]

Wife: I don’t see anything there.

Husband: I SAW it!! I SWEAR!! I did!!

[ she rubs his shoulder assuringly, as he glances out the window again ] [ the mysterious Thing is crouched low, smoking a cigarette. He notices the man staring at him, flicks the cigarette toward the window, then jumps back into his menacing pose. ]

Husband: There’s something out there on the wing! [ to everyone ] THERE’S SOMETHING OUT THERE!! THERE’S SOMETHING OUT THERE!!

[ the Stewardess runs forward ]

Stewardess: Sir, what is going on?

Husband: There’s a creature on the wing! It was smoking! Smoking on a plane!!

Stewardess: [ innocently ] Sir… everyone here is smoking on the plane.

[ reveal the other passengers casually smoking on the plane, one of the many perks of aviation in 1963 ]

Husband: But the thing! It was —

Stewardess: I don’t see anything, sir. Now, try to get some rest, okay?

[ she walks away ]

Husband: [ cracking up ] I swear I saw it!

Wife: Honey, it’s nothing. Just, please, get some rest.

Husband: Okay! Alright!

[ he seems relaxed, but can’t help but look out the window again ] [ reveal the Thing cooking barbecue on the wing, while wearing a “KISS ME, I’M REAL” t-shirt. He notices the man’s glance, and poses menacingly once again. ]

Husband: AAGGGHHHH!!! My God, it’s OUT there!!

Wife: WHAT is?!

Husband: I DON’T KNOW!! IT!! LOOK!!

Wife: [ she looks ] I don’t see anything! What was it doing?!

Husband: It was making grilled cedar-black salmon! I think it likes fish!

Wife: Oh, Bob! Bob, stop! This is crazy! This storm is getting to you, just go to sleep!

Husband: [ collecting himself ] Okay… alright… I’ll try.

[ he looks out the window once again, and sees the Thing on a walking machine. The Thing notices the man’s stare, and thus jumps off into his menacing position. ]

Husband: OH!! NO!! It’s exercising!! STEWARDESS!! IT’S EXERCISING!!

Stewardess: [ running forward ] Sir!


Stewardess: Sir, stop it!! Calm down! Nothing is out there!

Husband: You can’t see it?! It’s toning up! It seems healthy and… dangerous!

Stewardess: Sir, do you need a pill? Hmm? Because, unless you calm yourself, we’re going to have you arrested when you get on the ground! Now, can you settle down, sir?

Husband: Yes. Yes, I think I can. I — I — I’m okay.

[ she closes the window curtain ]

Stewardess: Now, we have a long flight. Just don’t look out the window from now on. Can you do that, sir?

Husband: [ fumbling with his emotions ] I think so.

Stewardess: Good. Good night, sir.

[ she walks away ] [ naturally, the man pulls back the curtain and peeks out the window again. The Thing is carrying a tiered cake from one stand to another. ]

Husband: Don’t look! No, he’s going to drop the cake! He’s trying to get it to the judge’s table! He — he can’t transfer that!

[ the Thing transfers the cake to the judge’s table, then jumps low into his menacing position for the man ]

Husband: You’re on a wing! It’s impossible! [ he blinks his eyes ] No, it’s fine. There’s nothing there… there’s nothing there! It’s okay.

[ he looks out the window once more, and sees the Thing chatting it up with Pearl Jam. They all notice his stare and thus jump down into their menacing positions. ]

Husband: OH, NO!! OH, NO, NO, NO!! You have to stop that Thing!!

Stewardess: [ running forward ] Sir! You can’t do this, sir!

Husband: No, no, no! I’m going out there!

Stewardess: No! Sir!

[ the man pries the window open, then screams as the Thing climbs in through the window ]

Thing: FINALLY!! I was freezing my BALLS off out there!! Geez! Make decisions much?! Man! [ to Stewardess ] Hey, I’m in 23-C. [ she points to the man’s seat ] Oh. I’m sorry. Hey, I’m in 23-C?

Husband: That’s, uh, that’s my seat.

Thing: Oh. Uh — [ he chuckles ]

Wife: I’m in 23-D.

Thing: Oh! Okay. I’m sorry. I hate to be a pain, but would you guys mind moving so that my wife and I could sit next to each other?

[ his own furry wife steps forward ]

Thing’s Wife: Oh, I’m so sorry. Hi!

Husband: No, no, no, no — of course!

Thing: Thank you so much!

Thing’s Wife: Thank you so much!

[ they make their pleasantries and swap seats ]

Thing: Oh, wow! Finally, I can relax.

[ camera pans across the aisle to Rod Serling seated ]

Rod Serling: The nightmare in the sky is over, but, on the ground, a man who is deciding exercise for the very first time… is killed by a falling eliptical machine — and, also, members of Pearl Jam. Another coincidence that can only happen… in The Twlight Zone.

[ cut to titles ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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