Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 18
Tina Fey’s Monologue
Personal Trainer…..Will Forte
Chaka Khan…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey!
[ Audience cheers ]
Tina Fey: Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be back hosting Saturday Night Live for a record second time. It’s a personal record, not a show record. All week there have been hundreds of girls downstairs, so I guess I am more of a role model for young women than I thought. No, I’m just kidding, I know it’s for Justin Bieber. I’ve actually worked with Justin before, he was one of the babies in Baby Mama. That was two years ago.
Tonight is the end of a very exciting and crazy week for me. I finished shooting the fourth season of 30 Rock on Tuesday, and then, my movie Date Night opened last night. And then I drank a big box of wine and came here. People ask me all the time, you know, how do you juggle it all, being a wife and a mother and working so much? But they ask me like this, (condescendingly) how do you juggle it all? With this horrible, snarky face, like they secretly think that I am screwing up everything. How do you juggle it all is actually one of my least favorite things that people say to me, right behind, are you gonna have another baby? and, you look tired! Yes, yes, I have a busy life and it is a challenge, but, you know, it truly takes a village and I want to take this moment now to express my gratitude to my personal village.
[ Band starts playing, choir sings, I’m every woman ]
Tina Fey: Let me introduce you to all the people it takes to help me juggle it all! My nanny Denise [ a young woman walks into frame ] -who is in charge of all snacks, baths and butt-wiping while I’m at work. [ she walks off ] And this is my child’s nanny. [ Another young woman walks into frame, shakes Fey’s hand and then walks off ] My personal trainer who works me out while I’m sleeping. [ Personal trainer walks into frame ]
Personal Trainer: And some other stuff.
Tina Fey: What?
Personal Trainer: Don’t worry about it.
[ Fey shoots him an angry look ]
Personal Trainer: (singing) I’m every woman! [ he walks off ]
Tina Fey: Now, these people over here [ pan to group of factory workers ] -these are the factory workers who make my clothing line, The Lady Who Looks Like Sarah Palin Brand Jean Pants, available at Walmarts all over the Ukraine. God bless you, I love you. [ the factory workers wave ] And I couldn’t do any of this without my beloved husband, who for this performance only will be played by New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez! [ Mark Sanchez walks into frame ] Thank you for your patience, and you tender lovemaking, and for not telling anyone about that thing that happened that time. I love you. [ he walks off ] My tax lawyer, Steve Martin!
[ Steve Martin walks into frame, carrying a briefcase and a jar of fat ]
Steve Martin: And, great news, great news Tina. I just found out we can deduct your liposuction as a business deduction.
Tina Fey: Thank you, and thank you for being here, Steve Martin!
Steve Martin: And wait, I loved working with you on Date Night!
Tina Fey: Oh no, that- that was Steve Carell.
Steve Martin: It was? [ he walks off ]
Tina Fey: And I couldn’t do this tonight without my boy Justin Bieber! [ Bieber walks into frame ] -Who’s gonna help me get tonight’s rating off the hizzle!
Justin Bieber: (singing) I’m every woman! [ he walks off ]
[ Choir sings, Chaka Khan ]
Tina Fey: Chaka Khan, and of course, my spiritual adviser Chaka Khan!
[ Chaka Khan walks into frame ]
Chaka Khan: (singing) I am ready, ’cause I’m the one! Just ask me and it shall be done!
[ All the previously mentioned come into frame, except the factory workers. They sing along for a short while. The music stops ]
Tina Fey: And that’s how I juggle it all, bitches! Justin Bieber is here! I’m gonna dress up like Sarah Palin later. Stick around, we’ll be right back.
[ Zoom out, fade ]
Submitted by: Maria Hartman