SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 04/10/10: The Sarah Palin Network

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 18

09r: Tina Fey / Justin Bieber

The Sarah Palin Network

Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
Doctor…..Andy Samberg
Daughter…..Jenny Slate
Mother…..Kristen Wiig
Todd Palin…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer/Suspect…..Kenan Thompson
Ned Redstone…..Bobby Moynihan

FADE IN:

[ SWIRLING GRAPHICS ]

Announcer (V/O): A new network will be unveiled by the women who’ve changed the face of television, because the time has come for — The Sarah Palin Network.

[ GRAPHIC: SARAH PALIN NETWORK ]

[ Former Alaskan Governor SARAH PALIN in front of a white background. ]

Sarah Palin: Hello all of my fellow Americans! It’s me. You know, last year since I won the silver medal in last year’s Vice Presidential election, I’ve made it my goal to connect with many of this nation’s people as possible — regular hockey moms to the protesters who are dressed like Paul Revere, who’re so overweight they picket from folding chairs. You know, with my work as a contributor on Fox News and my new TLC reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”, it just seemed the next logical step was to start my own network.

[ GRAPHIC: SARAH PALIN NETWORK appears next to Gov. Palin. ]

Sarah Palin: You’ll find we aim for the Heartland, with Sarah Palin Network original movies like…

[ GRAPHIC: MY DAUGHTER ONLY SPRAINED HER ANKLE, YOU CAN’T SERIOUSLY BE CONSIDERING EUTHANIZING HER. ]

Sarah Palin: “My Daughter Only Sprained Her Ankle, You Can’t Seriously Be Considering Euthanizing Her!”

INT. PATIENT ROOM – DAY

[ An ill GIRL lies on a hospital bed being comforted by her MOTHER. ]

Mother: How’s my little angel?

The DOCTOR comes in.

Doctor: I have some bad news. The Obama Death Care Panel just issued a ruling. I’m afraid the cost of resetting you daughter’s ankle is prohibitive — we’re going to have to put her down.

Girl: Mommy!?

Mother: N-O-O-O-O-O!!!

[ BACK TO PALIN ]

Sarah Palin: Oh, that one’s got a hidden message! But not all our programming is fear-based. If you like fun, then you’re just going to love our block of afternoon game shows. At 2PM, it’s “Tea Party – Wheel of Fortune.”

[ GRAPHIC: LETTER BOARD DISPLAYING – OBAMAR IS A TERRIST ]

[ BACK TO PALIN ]

[ GRAPHIC: ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A HALF-TERM GOVERNOR? ]

Sarah Palin: Then at 2:30, catch me in “Are You Smarter than a Half-Term Governor?” I think you’ll be surprised by the answer… I know I was. And at four, don’t miss “Elites” — the show that takes C-SPAN footage of a bunch of smarty-pants professors talking about who-knows-what and redubs it with the voice of the teacher from “Charlie Brown.”

[ C-SPAN FOOTAGE of a Johns Hopkins University panel, all speaking mush ala Charlie Brown’s teacher. ]

Sarah Palin: Do you hate gotcha journalism?

[ GRAPHIC: HEY JOURNALIST, I GOTCHA! ]

Sarah Palin: Then get ready for “Hey Journalist, I Gotcha!”, where I re-edit my interviews with journalists to make them look like they were woefully unprepared.

INT. NEW YORK CITY HOTEL ROOM – SEP. 2008 – DAY

Sarah Palin: So Katie, what newspapers do you read?

[ CBS NEWS FOOTAGE of KATIE COURIC listening to Palin. ]

Sarah Palin: It’s an easy question, Katie!

[ SAME CBS NEWS FOOTAGE ]

Sarah Palin: Well… better luck next time.

[ Palin faces the camera. ]

Sarah Palin: Gotcha!

[ Palin winks. ]

[ BACK TO PALIN ]

Sarah Palin: It’s no surprise that sex-crazed Hollywood has a show called “Californication.” But for those of you with different values, I suggest you tune in to “Alaskanence” — the show about a single, Alaskan woman who doesn’t believe in having sex before marriage who’s also struggling to raise three, young children. And what do you get when a renegade, snowmobile cop from Anchorage transfers to New York City?

[ GRAPHIC: TODD! ]

Sarah Palin: “Todd!”

EXT. DOWNTOWN MANHATTAN – NIGHT

[ TODD PALIN, in Arctic Man snowsuit, hops on his snowmobile, zooms off, and fires a 9MM. ]

INT. STAIRWAY CORRIDOR

[ Todd races up the steps, 9MM in hand. He faces the camera. ]

EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER – DAY

[ Todd grabs hold of a SUSPECT. ]

Suspect: Hey! Come on, man! Obama’s the President… you can’t do this!

Todd Palin: Yes I can!

[ Todd faces the camera. ]

[ GRAPHIC: TODD! ]

[ BACK TO PALIN ]

Sarah Palin: And hey! Animal lovers! If you like felines and hate bankers, you’re not going to want to miss “Fat Cats.”

[ GRAPHIC: FAT CAT$ ]

[ Footage of cats wearing top hats, with money bags behind them. ]

[ GRAPHIC: PAINTING FOR PATRIOTS WITH NED REDSTONE. ]

Sarah Palin: And if you’re for arts programming, there’s “Painting for Patriots with Ned Redstone.”

INT. ART STUDIO

[ NED REDSTONE, who looks like Bob Ross, holds an easel before a canvas painting of nature. ]

Ned Redstone: And if you want to make your cloud a socialist cloud, all you have to do is give him a Hitler mustache.

[ Ned paints a Hitler mustache on the cloud in the painting. ]

[ BACK TO PALIN ]

Sarah Palin: And there’s so much more! Like…

[ GRAPHIC: MAN IN HELICOPTER WITH A SNIPER RIFLE VS. WILD ]

Sarah Palin: “Man in Helicopter with a Sniper Rifle Vs. Wild.”

[ GRAPHIC: SO YOU MAKE ME THINK YOU CAN FILL OUT THE CENSUS ]

Sarah Palin: “So You Think You Can Make Me Fill Out The Census?”

[ GRAPHIC: DATELINE: TO CATCH A LEVI JOHNSTON ]

Sarah Palin: “Dateline: To Catch a Levi Johnston”

[ GRAPHIC: THAT’S SO PALIN ]

Sarah Palin: “That’s So Palin!”

[ GRAPHIC: DANCING WITH THE REAL STARS: AMERICA’S SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS ]

Sarah Palin: “Dancing with the Stars: America’s Small Business Owners.”

[ THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO GRAPHIC ]

Sarah Palin: “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”

[ GRAPHIC: 30 MAIN STREET ]

Sarah Palin: And last but not least, “30 Main Street.” I play parody character Lez Lemons, an uppity bitch, so focused on her career, she’s in her late 30’s and doesn’t have grandchildren.

[ PICTURE OF STEPHEN BALDWIN ]

Sarah Palin (V/O): It also stars Stephen Baldwin…

[ PICTURE OF LOUISANA GOVERNOR BOBBY JINDAL DRESSED AS AN NBC PAGE. ]

Sarah Palin (V/O): Governor Bobby Jindal…

[ PICTURE OF RNC CHAIRMAN MICHAEL STEELE SHIRTLESS WEARING BLING, DOING THE RIVERDANCE POSE. ]

Sarah Palin (V/O): And RNC chair Michael Steele.

[ BACK TO PALIN ]

Sarah Palin: So there you have it! All Palin, all the time… until 2012, when I haven’t decided what I’m going to do, but I’m probably gonna run for President. I’m Sarah Palin.

[ Palin looks at her palm. ]

Sarah Palin: Good night!

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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