SNL Transcripts: Tina Fey: 04/10/10: The Sarah Palin Network



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 18
















09r: Tina Fey / Justin Bieber

The Sarah Palin Network

Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
Doctor…..Andy Samberg
Daughter…..Jenny Slate
Mother…..Kristen Wiig
Todd Palin…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer/Suspect…..Kenan Thompson
Ned Redstone…..Bobby Moynihan

FADE IN:

[ SWIRLING GRAPHICS ]

Announcer (V/O): A new network will be unveiled by the women who’ve changed the face of television, because the time has come for — The Sarah Palin Network.

[ GRAPHIC: SARAH PALIN NETWORK ] [ Former Alaskan Governor SARAH PALIN in front of a white background. ]

Sarah Palin: Hello all of my fellow Americans! It’s me. You know, last year since I won the silver medal in last year’s Vice Presidential election, I’ve made it my goal to connect with many of this nation’s people as possible — regular hockey moms to the protesters who are dressed like Paul Revere, who’re so overweight they picket from folding chairs. You know, with my work as a contributor on Fox News and my new TLC reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”, it just seemed the next logical step was to start my own network.

[ GRAPHIC: SARAH PALIN NETWORK appears next to Gov. Palin. ]

Sarah Palin: You’ll find we aim for the Heartland, with Sarah Palin Network original movies like…

[ GRAPHIC: MY DAUGHTER ONLY SPRAINED HER ANKLE, YOU CAN’T SERIOUSLY BE CONSIDERING EUTHANIZING HER. ]

Sarah Palin: “My Daughter Only Sprained Her Ankle, You Can’t Seriously Be Considering Euthanizing Her!”

INT. PATIENT ROOM – DAY

[ An ill GIRL lies on a hospital bed being comforted by her MOTHER. ]

Mother: How’s my little angel?

The DOCTOR comes in.

Doctor: I have some bad news. The Obama Death Care Panel just issued a ruling. I’m afraid the cost of resetting you daughter’s ankle is prohibitive — we’re going to have to put her down.

Girl: Mommy!?

Mother: N-O-O-O-O-O!!!

[ BACK TO PALIN ]

Sarah Palin: Oh, that one’s got a hidden message! But not all our programming is fear-based. If you like fun, then you’re just going to love our block of afternoon game shows. At 2PM, it’s “Tea Party – Wheel of Fortune.”

[ GRAPHIC: LETTER BOARD DISPLAYING – OBAMAR IS A TERRIST ] [ BACK TO PALIN ] [ GRAPHIC: ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A HALF-TERM GOVERNOR? ]

Sarah Palin: Then at 2:30, catch me in “Are You Smarter than a Half-Term Governor?” I think you’ll be surprised by the answer… I know I was. And at four, don’t miss “Elites” — the show that takes C-SPAN footage of a bunch of smarty-pants professors talking about who-knows-what and redubs it with the voice of the teacher from “Charlie Brown.”

[ C-SPAN FOOTAGE of a Johns Hopkins University panel, all speaking mush ala Charlie Brown’s teacher. ]

Sarah Palin: Do you hate gotcha journalism?

[ GRAPHIC: HEY JOURNALIST, I GOTCHA! ]

Sarah Palin: Then get ready for “Hey Journalist, I Gotcha!”, where I re-edit my interviews with journalists to make them look like they were woefully unprepared.

INT. NEW YORK CITY HOTEL ROOM – SEP. 2008 – DAY

Sarah Palin: So Katie, what newspapers do you read?

[ CBS NEWS FOOTAGE of KATIE COURIC listening to Palin. ]

Sarah Palin: It’s an easy question, Katie!

[ SAME CBS NEWS FOOTAGE ]

Sarah Palin: Well… better luck next time.

[ Palin faces the camera. ]

Sarah Palin: Gotcha!

[ Palin winks. ] [ BACK TO PALIN ]

Sarah Palin: It’s no surprise that sex-crazed Hollywood has a show called “Californication.” But for those of you with different values, I suggest you tune in to “Alaskanence” — the show about a single, Alaskan woman who doesn’t believe in having sex before marriage who’s also struggling to raise three, young children. And what do you get when a renegade, snowmobile cop from Anchorage transfers to New York City?

[ GRAPHIC: TODD! ]

Sarah Palin: “Todd!”

EXT. DOWNTOWN MANHATTAN – NIGHT

[ TODD PALIN, in Arctic Man snowsuit, hops on his snowmobile, zooms off, and fires a 9MM. ]

INT. STAIRWAY CORRIDOR

[ Todd races up the steps, 9MM in hand. He faces the camera. ]

EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER – DAY

[ Todd grabs hold of a SUSPECT. ]

Suspect: Hey! Come on, man! Obama’s the President… you can’t do this!

Todd Palin: Yes I can!

[ Todd faces the camera. ] [ GRAPHIC: TODD! ] [ BACK TO PALIN ]

Sarah Palin: And hey! Animal lovers! If you like felines and hate bankers, you’re not going to want to miss “Fat Cats.”

[ GRAPHIC: FAT CAT$ ] [ Footage of cats wearing top hats, with money bags behind them. ] [ GRAPHIC: PAINTING FOR PATRIOTS WITH NED REDSTONE. ]

Sarah Palin: And if you’re for arts programming, there’s “Painting for Patriots with Ned Redstone.”

INT. ART STUDIO

[ NED REDSTONE, who looks like Bob Ross, holds an easel before a canvas painting of nature. ]

Ned Redstone: And if you want to make your cloud a socialist cloud, all you have to do is give him a Hitler mustache.

[ Ned paints a Hitler mustache on the cloud in the painting. ] [ BACK TO PALIN ]

Sarah Palin: And there’s so much more! Like…

[ GRAPHIC: MAN IN HELICOPTER WITH A SNIPER RIFLE VS. WILD ]

Sarah Palin: “Man in Helicopter with a Sniper Rifle Vs. Wild.”

[ GRAPHIC: SO YOU MAKE ME THINK YOU CAN FILL OUT THE CENSUS ]

Sarah Palin: “So You Think You Can Make Me Fill Out The Census?”

[ GRAPHIC: DATELINE: TO CATCH A LEVI JOHNSTON ]

Sarah Palin: “Dateline: To Catch a Levi Johnston”

[ GRAPHIC: THAT’S SO PALIN ]

Sarah Palin: “That’s So Palin!”

[ GRAPHIC: DANCING WITH THE REAL STARS: AMERICA’S SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS ]

Sarah Palin: “Dancing with the Stars: America’s Small Business Owners.”

[ THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO GRAPHIC ]

Sarah Palin: “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”

[ GRAPHIC: 30 MAIN STREET ]

Sarah Palin: And last but not least, “30 Main Street.” I play parody character Lez Lemons, an uppity bitch, so focused on her career, she’s in her late 30’s and doesn’t have grandchildren.

[ PICTURE OF STEPHEN BALDWIN ]

Sarah Palin (V/O): It also stars Stephen Baldwin…

[ PICTURE OF LOUISANA GOVERNOR BOBBY JINDAL DRESSED AS AN NBC PAGE. ]

Sarah Palin (V/O): Governor Bobby Jindal…

[ PICTURE OF RNC CHAIRMAN MICHAEL STEELE SHIRTLESS WEARING BLING, DOING THE RIVERDANCE POSE. ]

Sarah Palin (V/O): And RNC chair Michael Steele.

[ BACK TO PALIN ]

Sarah Palin: So there you have it! All Palin, all the time… until 2012, when I haven’t decided what I’m going to do, but I’m probably gonna run for President. I’m Sarah Palin.

[ Palin looks at her palm. ]

Sarah Palin: Good night!

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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