Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 18
The Sarah Palin Network
Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
Todd Palin…..Jason Sudeikis
Ned Redstone…..Bobby Moynihan
FADE IN:[ SWIRLING GRAPHICS ]
Announcer (V/O): A new network will be unveiled by the women whove changed the face of television, because the time has come for — The Sarah Palin Network.[ GRAPHIC: SARAH PALIN NETWORK ] [ Former Alaskan Governor SARAH PALIN in front of a white background. ]
Sarah Palin: Hello all of my fellow Americans! Its me. You know, last year since I won the silver medal in last years Vice Presidential election, Ive made it my goal to connect with many of this nations people as possible — regular hockey moms to the protesters who are dressed like Paul Revere, whore so overweight they picket from folding chairs. You know, with my work as a contributor on Fox News and my new TLC reality show Sarah Palins Alaska, it just seemed the next logical step was to start my own network.
Sarah Palin: Youll find we aim for the Heartland, with Sarah Palin Network original movies like[ GRAPHIC: MY DAUGHTER ONLY SPRAINED HER ANKLE, YOU CANT SERIOUSLY BE CONSIDERING EUTHANIZING HER. ]
Sarah Palin: My Daughter Only Sprained Her Ankle, You Cant Seriously Be Considering Euthanizing Her!
INT. PATIENT ROOM DAY[ An ill GIRL lies on a hospital bed being comforted by her MOTHER. ]
Mother: Hows my little angel?
The DOCTOR comes in.
Doctor: I have some bad news. The Obama Death Care Panel just issued a ruling. Im afraid the cost of resetting you daughters ankle is prohibitive — were going to have to put her down.
Mother: N-O-O-O-O-O!!![ BACK TO PALIN ]
Sarah Palin: Oh, that ones got a hidden message! But not all our programming is fear-based. If you like fun, then youre just going to love our block of afternoon game shows. At 2PM, its Tea Party Wheel of Fortune.[ GRAPHIC: LETTER BOARD DISPLAYING – OBAMAR IS A TERRIST ] [ BACK TO PALIN ] [ GRAPHIC: ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A HALF-TERM GOVERNOR? ]
Sarah Palin: Then at 2:30, catch me in Are You Smarter than a Half-Term Governor? I think youll be surprised by the answer I know I was. And at four, dont miss Elites — the show that takes C-SPAN footage of a bunch of smarty-pants professors talking about who-knows-what and redubs it with the voice of the teacher from Charlie Brown.[ C-SPAN FOOTAGE of a Johns Hopkins University panel, all speaking mush ala Charlie Browns teacher. ]
Sarah Palin: Do you hate gotcha journalism?[ GRAPHIC: HEY JOURNALIST, I GOTCHA! ]
Sarah Palin: Then get ready for Hey Journalist, I Gotcha!, where I re-edit my interviews with journalists to make them look like they were woefully unprepared.
INT. NEW YORK CITY HOTEL ROOM SEP. 2008 DAY
Sarah Palin: So Katie, what newspapers do you read?[ CBS NEWS FOOTAGE of KATIE COURIC listening to Palin. ]
Sarah Palin: Its an easy question, Katie![ SAME CBS NEWS FOOTAGE ]
Sarah Palin: Well better luck next time.[ Palin faces the camera. ]
Sarah Palin: Gotcha!
Sarah Palin: Its no surprise that sex-crazed Hollywood has a show called Californication. But for those of you with different values, I suggest you tune in to Alaskanence — the show about a single, Alaskan woman who doesnt believe in having sex before marriage whos also struggling to raise three, young children. And what do you get when a renegade, snowmobile cop from Anchorage transfers to New York City?[ GRAPHIC: TODD! ]
Sarah Palin: Todd!
EXT. DOWNTOWN MANHATTAN NIGHT[ TODD PALIN, in Arctic Man snowsuit, hops on his snowmobile, zooms off, and fires a 9MM. ]
INT. STAIRWAY CORRIDOR[ Todd races up the steps, 9MM in hand. He faces the camera. ]
EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER DAY
Suspect: Hey! Come on, man! Obamas the President you cant do this!
Todd Palin: Yes I can![ Todd faces the camera. ] [ GRAPHIC: TODD! ] [ BACK TO PALIN ]
Sarah Palin: And hey! Animal lovers! If you like felines and hate bankers, youre not going to want to miss Fat Cats.[ GRAPHIC: FAT CAT$ ] [ Footage of cats wearing top hats, with money bags behind them. ] [ GRAPHIC: PAINTING FOR PATRIOTS WITH NED REDSTONE. ]
Sarah Palin: And if youre for arts programming, theres Painting for Patriots with Ned Redstone.
INT. ART STUDIO
Ned Redstone: And if you want to make your cloud a socialist cloud, all you have to do is give him a Hitler mustache.[ Ned paints a Hitler mustache on the cloud in the painting. ] [ BACK TO PALIN ]
Sarah Palin: And theres so much more! Like[ GRAPHIC: MAN IN HELICOPTER WITH A SNIPER RIFLE VS. WILD ]
Sarah Palin: Man in Helicopter with a Sniper Rifle Vs. Wild.[ GRAPHIC: SO YOU MAKE ME THINK YOU CAN FILL OUT THE CENSUS ]
Sarah Palin: So You Think You Can Make Me Fill Out The Census?[ GRAPHIC: DATELINE: TO CATCH A LEVI JOHNSTON ]
Sarah Palin: Dateline: To Catch a Levi Johnston[ GRAPHIC: THATS SO PALIN ]
Sarah Palin: Thats So Palin![ GRAPHIC: DANCING WITH THE REAL STARS: AMERICAS SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS ]
Sarah Palin: Dancing with the Stars: Americas Small Business Owners.[ THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO GRAPHIC ]
Sarah Palin: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno[ GRAPHIC: 30 MAIN STREET ]
Sarah Palin: And last but not least, 30 Main Street. I play parody character Lez Lemons, an uppity bitch, so focused on her career, shes in her late 30s and doesnt have grandchildren.[ PICTURE OF STEPHEN BALDWIN ]
Sarah Palin (V/O): It also stars Stephen Baldwin[ PICTURE OF LOUISANA GOVERNOR BOBBY JINDAL DRESSED AS AN NBC PAGE. ]
Sarah Palin (V/O): Governor Bobby Jindal[ PICTURE OF RNC CHAIRMAN MICHAEL STEELE SHIRTLESS WEARING BLING, DOING THE RIVERDANCE POSE. ]
Sarah Palin (V/O): And RNC chair Michael Steele.[ BACK TO PALIN ]
Sarah Palin: So there you have it! All Palin, all the time until 2012, when I havent decided what Im going to do, but Im probably gonna run for President. Im Sarah Palin.[ Palin looks at her palm. ]
Sarah Palin: Good night!
Submitted by: Cody Downs