SNL Transcripts: Ryan Phillippe: 04/17/10: Song Memories



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 19






09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

Song Memories

Chris…..Jason Sudeikis
Will…..Will Forte
Ryan…..Ryan Phillippe
Bill…..Bill Hader

[ open on four buddies seated on lawn chairs in a back yard ]

Will: Man, we couldn’t have picked a more perfect day!

Ryan: This is nice.

Chris: Yeah, and here’s one more thing to make it a little bit nicer: some beers!

Bill: Alright. Looks like you got the good stuff for once.

Chris: Yeah, you know what? If my friends are gonna come to D.C. from all over the country, I don’t mind spending a few extra bucks.

Ryan: Hey, who kidnapped Chris and replaced him with this guy?

[ they all laugh ]

Chris: Alright, okay. Point taken. Oh, but check this out: [ he picks up a boombox ] I also brought one of my old mix tapes. [ he presses Play ] Remember this?

[ it’s Deep Blue Something’s “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”, and the buddies are impressed ]

Chris: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I play this song in my office sometimes, it kind of calms me down.

Ryan: Yeah, how’s it going at the hospital?

Chris: Mmm… good. You know? Real good, actually, uh — I’ve been seeing this patient of mine. [ the buddies like this news ] Yeah, yeah… we are having this very crazy sexual relationship. I mean, uh — she’s wild! She will do anythinh!

Buddies: Nice!

Chris: I feel so bad about it though, you know, because she’s a patient and it’s nothing more than sex.

Will: Well, how does she feel about it?

Chris: I don’t know. But if she ever woke up, she’d be furious!

Buddies: [ singing ]“And I said, what about breakfast at Tiffany’s?
She said, I think I remember the film
And as I recall, I think, we both kind of liked it
And I said, well, that’s the one thing we’ve got!”

Bill: You know what this song reminds me of?

Chris: Hmm?

Bill: When I first met Jennifer.

Chris: Oh, yeah? How’s that going lately?

Bill: Uhh — not so great.

Will: Oh, sorry, man.

Bill: I was on a business trip and came home a day early, and I found her in bed with another dude. [ the buddies gasp ] Yeah, yeah, yeah… it was terrible. That guy was such a dirty skeez. You know, he’s yelling all these smutty things at her. It was rough. I think he even gave her a venereal disease.

Ryan: Aw, man! What did you do?

Bill: Oh. When I found him, I just snapped. I beat the living crap out of the guy!

Ryan: Was he okay?

Bill: Not at the time. He seems fine now, you know? I guess he’s a little bummed he didn’t win the Masters, but, you know.

Buddies: [ singing ]“And I said, what about breakfast at Tiffany’s?
She said, I think I remember the film
And as I recall, I think, we both kind of liked it
And I said, well, that’s the one thing we’ve got!”

Will: You know what this song reminds me of? Road trips.

Chris: Totally! Absolutely, yes. Hey, uh, you took a big trip about a month ago, right?

Will: Yep. Went to Asia.

Chris: Oh, yeah? How was that?

Will: It was incredible! I got to see and do so many new things. The peole were nice, the food was great, I ate at this amazing restaurant in China. You sit outside by these trees, and there was this waterfall there, and, while I was sitting there, I saw this cute little panda bear.

Chris: Aw, I bet he was sweet?

Will: Yeah, he was sweet. I mean, it was a combination of many tastes, but BOY was he delicious!

Buddies: [ singing ]“And I said, what about breakfast at Tiffany’s?
She said, I think I remember the film
And as I recall, I think, we both kind of liked it
And I said, well, that’s the one thing we’ve got!”

Ryan: You guys know I love to go online and masturbate on Chat Roulette while I’m at work, right? [ the buddies nod ] And how I love to see the look on people’s faces when they find me? [ the buddies nod ] Well… my boss caught me.

Chris: No! Really? That’s terrible! D-do you think you’ll get fired?

Ryan: I doubt it. He’ll probably just transfer me to another parish.

Buddies: [ singing ]“And I said, what about breakfast at Tiffany’s?
She said, I think I remember the film
And as I recall, I think, we both kind of liked it
And I said, well, that’s the one thing we’ve got!”

Chris: [ as he turns the volume down ] Man, it is SO great seeing you guys. Thanks for coming to D.C.

Ryan: No problem.

Bill: It’s great to see you, man.

Chris: Yeah.

Ryan: You guys ready to do this?

Will: Absolutely!

Chris: Let’s do it! Here we go!

[ they all stand and don Tea Party garb ]

Chris: Alright. [ screaming ] NO-BAMA!!

Buddies: NO-BAMAAAAA!!!!

[ they march offscreen, as patriotic music pots up and “THE END” appears onscreen in flag colors ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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