SNL Transcripts: Ryan Phillippe: 04/17/10: Today Sponge Women’s Weightlifting Championship 1986

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 19

09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

Today Sponge Women’s Weightlifting Championship 1986

Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis
Greg Stink…..Will Forte
Sue Ferrigno…..Kristen Wiig
Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp…..Ryan Phillippe

[open on ESPN Classic logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic.

Pete Twinkle V/O: If you like ladies strong as an ox and look like one too, then you’ve come to the right place. It’s the Today Sponge Women’s Weightlifting Championships and this show down is sure to please. Featuring rookie sensation Sue Ferrigno and she’s up against the Minnesota muscle hound Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp.

[dissolve to commentators Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the booth ]

Pete Twinkle: Happy Wednesday. I’m Pete Twinkle and seated next to me as always with the exception of last week when he was out with a devastated stomach bug Greg Stink.

Greg Stink: (nasally) Ah, thanks, Pete! I’m almost 100% and I learned a valuable lesson in the process. Not going to drink pond water anymore when I go hiking with my parents.

Pete Twinkle: Ha Ha Ha Ha! Alright. How are Patty and Reb?

Greg Stink: Oh going threw a trial separation but I think there going to make. The sex is JUST too good.

Pete Twinkle: Ha Ha Ha Ha! Alright. Well Hey why don’t we check in with this morning’s competitors. First up she’s lean she’s mean and she gunning for an upset it’s Sue Ferrigno.

[Camera cuts to Sue Ferrigno roughtly applying gymnast chalk on both hands.]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Now it looks like Sue is really really chalking up those hands. Huh! How about that?

[Camera cuts back to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink]

Pete Twinkle: Uh Greg talk to me. How crucial is that rosin?

[Pete Twinkle looks over to Greg Stink]

Greg Stink: I do not know what any of those words mean.

Pete Twinkle: Ha Ha! You know what? Let’s check out her opponent Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp.

[Camera cuts to Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp applying lip stick]

Pete Twinkle V/O: And she appears to be putting on some lipstick there, that’s her trademark she loves to look good for these matches.

[Camera cuts back to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink]

Greg Stink: And boy oh boy she does.

Pete Twinkle: Uhhum!

Greg Stink: Good thing I’m sitting down behind this desk because.. Pete Pete you can see it?

[Greg Stink is facing Pete Stink and wants Pete to look at his genitals.]

Greg Stink: Look at me. Come on!

[Pete Twinkle is facing the camera and doesn’t want to look over at Greg]

Pete Twinkle: (laughing) Nah! I’m ok buddy

Greg Stink: Are you sure?

Pete Twinkle: YA! I’m sure.

[Greg Stink turns to face the camera. Pete Twinkle tries to take a peek at Greg’s genital when he is not looking.]

Pete Twinkle: Hey a quick SHOUT-OUT to our sponsor… the today contraceptive sponge. “Put a baby blocker in your lady locker”. Today’s sponge contraceptive. Now it looks like Sue Ferrigno is getting into position. Now Greg how much does that thing weigh?

Greg Stink: Well… It’s a sponge so it’s probably pretty light. Definitely less than a pound but then post intercourse…

Pete Twinkle: No No No! Greg Whoa hold on. No I’m sorry buddy. Sorry that’s my fault. I wasn’t asking how much a fine product like the Today’s sponge weighs. No I was asking.. eh… How much does that barbell weigh?

Greg Stink: Oh I don’t know! 100,000 pounds?

Pete Twinkle: 100,000? Greg I think you may be way off on that. It’s probably more like.. I don’t know… a couple of hundred pounds.

Greg Stink: Oh Ok?

Pete Twinkle: Alright. Ok. Uh!

[Pete Twinkle looks over at Greg and amazed by how stupid the answer Greg Stink gave]

Pete Twinkle: Why don’t we go down to the floor?

[Camera cuts to Sue Ferrigno getting ready to lift the weights. ]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Alrighty, here she goes.

[Sue leans over and lifts the weights to her chest]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Nice Form

[Sue lifts the weights above her head and yells.]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Oh and she does it with ease.

[Sue drops the weights and starts to dance in celebration]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Oh look. Oh Look at that. Ferrigno. I tell you what. The crowd LOVES her.

Greg Stink: OH!

[Camera cuts back to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink]

Greg Stink: She is soaking it up.

Pete Twinkle: mmHm. Speaking of soaking it up… The Today’s Sponge. [pause] Trying to avoid the stork? Well us this little VAGINA cork. Today’s Sponge. 80% AFFECTIVE! Ha Ha. Looks like Cougar Mellencamp is stepping up to the mat.

[Camera cuts to Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp getting ready to lift the weights.]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Now she is… uh… She is really shaking it out before her lift huh?

[Camera cuts back to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink]

Pete Twinkle: Look at this huh? Greg when it comes to women’s weight lifting, what can you tell me about that outfit?

Greg Stink: Well it’s basically a black tuxedo jacket, bow tie, corduroy shorts, purple socks, sandals…

Pete Twinkle: No No No hold on. Hold on there Greg. I think we got our wires crossed a little bit. I was talking about the unitard.

Greg Stink: Look I don’t know a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff but uh.. There is no reason to call me a name like that.

Pete Twinkle: No No No Buddy I’m sorry. No Greg of course not. I would never do such a thing. Unitard is the uniform they are wearing.

Greg Stink: OHHHHH (chuckles)

Pete Twinkle: Ya ok now your getting it. There it goes. Hey! Here is something else you should get? The Today’s Sponge. Can’t keep your legs shut? Well put one of these little babies in your front butt. [Long Pause] TODAY’S SPONGE CONTRACEPTIVE DEVICE. Looks like Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp is ready to lift.

[Camera cuts to Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp getting ready to lift the weights]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Alright she’s gotta plant those feet.

[Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp lifts the bar to her chest.]

Pete Twinkle V/O: Don’t have it quite yet. No control. Doesn’t have it quite yet.

[Olivia Newton Cougar Mellencamp is struggling to raise the weights over her head. She finally is able to raise the weight over her head.]

Pete Twinkle V/O: She’s done it. She’s done it. Look at that. She is celebrating up a storm.

[Camera cuts to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink]

Pete Twinkle: The epitome of femininity.

Greg Stink: Ooooh Ohhh she is a beautiful lady. I have never felt this way about a woman before.

Pete Twinkle: Oh ya? What do you love about her?

Greg Stink: Her shoulders, those tree trunk thighs and she is just full of spunk

Pete Twinkle: Hey! Talking about being full of spunk… Today’s Sponge. We will be right back.

[ Closes on ESPN Classic logo ] [Fade]

Submitted: by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami

SNL Transcripts