SNL Transcripts: Ryan Phillippe: 04/17/10: Underground Rock Minute



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 19










09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

Underground Rock Minute

Thrilla Killa Klown…..Ryan Phillippe
Ass Dan…..Bobby Moynihan
Lil Blaster…..Nasim Pedrad
DJ Super Soak…..Jason Sudeikis

FADE IN:

[ VARIOUS CRUDE ANIMATION DRAWINGS ]

Announcer: Stankmouth Soda presents the “Underground Rock Minute”!! Bringing you all the latest in underground rock and r-a-a-a-d-d!!!

[ TITLE: UNDERGROUND ROCK MINUTE ] [ INT. UNDERGROUND ROCK MINUTE STUDIOS – DAY ] [ DJ Super Soak & Lil’ Blaster stand side by side. ]

DJ Super Soak: Ha-ha! What’s up ninjas!? It’s DJ Super Soak again!

Lil Blaster: And I’m Lil’ Blaster!!

DJ Super Soak: Today, we’re gonna show you the new video from the Thrilla Killa Klownz!

[ Publicity still of ASS DAN and his THRILLA KILLA KLOWN partner. Both are wearing baggy, white clothes and matching facial paint and Asian inspired tattoos on their necks. ] [ BACK TO STUDIO ]

Lil Blaster: You may know their previous violent songs like, “I’m Gonna Stab Ya Face!” and “Curb-Stomp Your Enthusiasm”.

DJ Super Soak: Ah!! Love that song! But this song takes the band in a whole new direction!

Lil Blaster: True, true… it’s got a positive message and yo! It makes you think!!

DJ Super Soak: That’s right! Here’s Thrilla Killa Klownz with “Magical Mysteries”.

[ CUT TO MUSIC VIDEO ] [ CORNER TEXT: ][ THRILLA KILLA KLOWNZ ][ “MAGICAL MYSTERIES” ][ UNDER-UNDERGROUND RECORDS ]

Ass Dan: Ha-ha! There’s so many confusing things out there!

Thrilla Killa Klown: Well get your magnifying glasses out, ninjas! We’re going to take a closer look at life!!

Both: [singing]“The world is full of magical mysteries,
Puzzles unsolved since ancient history.”

Ass Dan: [singing]“Where does sand leave at night?”

[ Both men are in black and white pictures. ]

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]“Did people used to really live in black and white?
Is the world round or is it flat?
How come no one can tell me that?”

Ass Dan: [singing]“What’s with islands?
Get more land!!”

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]“What’s with deserts?
Get less sand!!
What is Alaska?
Who is Brazil?
Isn’t a volcano just an angry hill?”

Ass Dan: [singing]“How did God even think of dirt?
Erasable pens make my head hurt!”

Both: [singing]“Metal, girls, iron, fire!
How’d they get my voice in a telephone wire!?”

Ass Dan: [singing]“Why are pants different than shirts?”

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]“Blankets!? How do they work?”

Chorus (V/O): “The world is full of mysteries…”

Ass Dan: Yo! How do suitcases always know where to meet you? Huh?

Chorus (V/O): “So many magical mysteries…”

Thrilla Killa Klown: Are kids small? Or just far away?”

Chorus (V/O): “So many magical mysteries…”

Ass Dan: Why do some mountains look like Presidents?

Thrilla Killa Klown: What the fuck is a clock?

Ass Dan: Now’s here’s a list of some stuff – –

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]“Trees, swans, capes, a horse…”

Ass Dan: [singing]“Triangles, witches…”

[ Another horse appears. ]

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]“A different horse!”

Ass Dan: [singing]“The world has 10,000 people…”

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]“And Santa Claus created all of us equal…”

[ A young boy & girl are dressed like Ass Dan. ]

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]“Ass Dan’s kids look just like Ass Dan!”

[ Two similar dressed kids are next to Ass Dan. ]

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]“And my two kids just look like Ass Dan!”

[ Thrilla ponders on the lyric he just recited. ]

Ass Dan: [singing]“So with every note, let it bounce off your brain!!”

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]“The mysteries of life can’t be explained!”

Ass Dan: [singing]“So fuck you books!
We don’t need your tricks!”

[ Thrilla grabs his crotch. ]

Thrilla Killa Klown: [singing]“And all you scientists
Can suck on this!”

[ Both men shake hands. ]

Ass Dan: Ah yeah, ninjas!!!

Thrilla Killa Klown: Life is a beautiful thing!

Ass Dan: Take two, fresh! Ass Dan! 2010! Ha-ha!

[ EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF ASS DAN ]

Ass Dan: I’m gonna live forever! Ha-ha!

[ FREEZE FRAME IN B/W ] [ SOMBER MUSIC ] [ SUPER: “ASS” DAN, 1981-2010 ] [ BACK IN STUDIO ]

DJ Super Soak: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! That was tight! But for real, on a serious note, Ass Dan did just die while we were playing that video there.

[ Lil’ Blaster’s fighting back the tears. ]

Lil Blaster: [quivering] Whoop-whoop!

DJ Super Soak: That’s all the time we got for the “Underground Rock Minute”!

Lil Blaster: I’m Lil’ Blaster!

DJ Super Soak: And I’m DJ Super Soak! Get your crunk on! Whoo-hoo-hoo!!!

[ A BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO OF DJ SUPER SOAK ] [ SOMBER MUSIC ] [ SUPER: IN MEMORY, DJ SUPER SOAK, 1974-2010 ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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