SNL Transcripts: Ryan Phillippe: 04/17/10: Teen Talk


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 19

09s: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

Teen Talk

Roger Brush…..Fred Armisen
Leonard…..Bill Hader
Rudy…..Ryan Phillippe
Shelby…..Nasim Pedrad
Janelle…..Kristen Wiig
Toby…..Andy Samberg

[ open on program montage ]

Announcer: You’re watching “Teen Talk”, with Dr. Kathy Carson. The show that helps teen learn to deal with the problems and issues that face today’s teenager. Dr. Kathy is a licensed psychologist, with a unique ability to relate to teens on their level. And now, Dr. Kathy Carson.

[ dissolve to the set, where producer Roger Brush sits ]

Roger Brush: Yeah… Dr. Kathy is sick. I’m Roger Brush, I’m the producer of this show. Dr. Kathy’s fiance called to tell me it was coming out of both ends. She’s using a toilet and a tub — how about that! [ he smiles ] So I said, “Take the day off, I’m gonna cover the show.” Uh, let’s go to the audience and see who’s got a problem. Leonard, who do we have?

Leonard: This is Rudy. He’s 13.

Roger Brush: Look at all these teenagers! What’s your problem, kid?

Rudy: [ nervous ] Um… I noticed that… in gym class… a lot of guys are developing faster than me? Uh… when is it normal to get pubic hair?

Roger Brush: Buddy, I can’t hear a WORD you’re saying! You can’t — you can’t MUMBLE like that!

Rudy: [ shaking ] When should I be getting pubic hair?

Roger Brush: Kid! You have to get right up on that mike! Nobody can hear you!

Rudy: I’m embarrassed because I don’t have any pubic hair… is that normal?!

Roger Brush: [ bewildered ] You don’t have any pubic hair?! What kind of question is that?!

Leonard: He just needs some reassurance that this is a normal thing.

Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know HOW normal that is! Hell, when I was 12 I had a bush as big as a Hawaiian pineapple top! I mean, but that was the 70’s, so who knows? Does that help?

Rudy: N-no?

Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know what to tell ya’! I’m up here knocking myself out trying to help you! You’re up there saying — you’re looking at me, saying, “No!” You know, where does that leave me?! Who’s next?

Leonard: This is Shelby Winters, she’s 14.

Shelby: This is kind of embarrassing, but… I’m having trouble with acne.

Roger Brush: What?! Sweetheart! If you’re talking to me, I can’t hear a WORD you’re saying!

Shelby: I said, I’m having acne pimples? And it’s embarrassing, because I’m starting to find them in my armpits.

Roger Brush: Okay, I’m just going to say this out loud to EVERYBODY: You gotta get RIGHT UP on that mike and HOLLAR!! Otherwise, you’re wasting everybody’s time! Let’s — honey, let’s try that again!

Shelby: I’m saying I have pimples under my armpit.

Roger Brush: You got PIT BULLS?! What? Where?

Shelby: Nooooo! Pimples! Under my armpits!

Roger Brush: Sweetheart, that’s just gross! You — you know, you gotta CLEAN under there! You know, ask your mom to buy you a washcloth. Alright? Promise me that!

Shelby: That doesn’t sound like something Dr. Kathy would say…

Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know what to TELL ya’! Dr. Kathy isn’t here! She’s sick! All the magic in the world isn’t gonna make her appear! You got two choices: Either keep complaining, or write down my advice and go do it! Okay? I could CARE LESS!! [ he grins mischieviously ] Okay, sweetheart? Thank you! Who’s next?

Leonard: This is Janelle. Uh… she’s 15.

Janelle: [ mumbling ] Um… my family… just moved to northern Florida, and nobody at Todd Central High School will talk to me. How do I make friends?

Roger Brush: Oh — oh, I have a new rule: If I can’t hear you, we’re DONE!! NEXT!!

Leonard: This is Toby, uh… he’s 14 and a half.

Toby: Um… how do I put this? I think I rubbed my thing raw, and, you know, it’s hard to walk. Am I doing it too much, huh?

Roger Brush: I — I — I don’t want to hear about this, that’s DISGUSTING!!

Leonard: I think he just needs assurance that he’s not alone.

Toby: Yeah, you’re supposed to help me!

Roger Brush: Well — I don’t care to hear it! What you do on your own time is your own business!

Toby: But… it hurts!

Roger Brush: [ laughing and sputtering ] What do you want from me?! I don’t know! Play with it ’til it falls off!

Toby: [ aghast ] Wha…?

Roger Brush: Young man, you’re being RUDE! Okay, who’s next?

Leonard: [ looking around ] No one wants to go.

Roger Brush: Okay, good. You know what, I’m ready for a break, anyway. When we come back, fashion expert Toni St. Saint is gonna show us some prom fasions for the plus-size girl. [ bug-eyed ] What?! Good luck with that! Uhhh — [ he chuckles ] We’ll be right back!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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