Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 19
Roger Brush…..Fred Armisen
[ open on program montage ]
Announcer: You’re watching “Teen Talk”, with Dr. Kathy Carson. The show that helps teen learn to deal with the problems and issues that face today’s teenager. Dr. Kathy is a licensed psychologist, with a unique ability to relate to teens on their level. And now, Dr. Kathy Carson.[ dissolve to the set, where producer Roger Brush sits ]
Roger Brush: Yeah… Dr. Kathy is sick. I’m Roger Brush, I’m the producer of this show. Dr. Kathy’s fiance called to tell me it was coming out of both ends. She’s using a toilet and a tub — how about that! [ he smiles ] So I said, “Take the day off, I’m gonna cover the show.” Uh, let’s go to the audience and see who’s got a problem. Leonard, who do we have?
Leonard: This is Rudy. He’s 13.
Roger Brush: Look at all these teenagers! What’s your problem, kid?
Rudy: [ nervous ] Um… I noticed that… in gym class… a lot of guys are developing faster than me? Uh… when is it normal to get pubic hair?
Roger Brush: Buddy, I can’t hear a WORD you’re saying! You can’t — you can’t MUMBLE like that!
Rudy: [ shaking ] When should I be getting pubic hair?
Roger Brush: Kid! You have to get right up on that mike! Nobody can hear you!
Rudy: I’m embarrassed because I don’t have any pubic hair… is that normal?!
Roger Brush: [ bewildered ] You don’t have any pubic hair?! What kind of question is that?!
Leonard: He just needs some reassurance that this is a normal thing.
Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know HOW normal that is! Hell, when I was 12 I had a bush as big as a Hawaiian pineapple top! I mean, but that was the 70’s, so who knows? Does that help?
Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know what to tell ya’! I’m up here knocking myself out trying to help you! You’re up there saying — you’re looking at me, saying, “No!” You know, where does that leave me?! Who’s next?
Leonard: This is Shelby Winters, she’s 14.
Shelby: This is kind of embarrassing, but… I’m having trouble with acne.
Roger Brush: What?! Sweetheart! If you’re talking to me, I can’t hear a WORD you’re saying!
Shelby: I said, I’m having acne pimples? And it’s embarrassing, because I’m starting to find them in my armpits.
Roger Brush: Okay, I’m just going to say this out loud to EVERYBODY: You gotta get RIGHT UP on that mike and HOLLAR!! Otherwise, you’re wasting everybody’s time! Let’s — honey, let’s try that again!
Shelby: I’m saying I have pimples under my armpit.
Roger Brush: You got PIT BULLS?! What? Where?
Shelby: Nooooo! Pimples! Under my armpits!
Roger Brush: Sweetheart, that’s just gross! You — you know, you gotta CLEAN under there! You know, ask your mom to buy you a washcloth. Alright? Promise me that!
Shelby: That doesn’t sound like something Dr. Kathy would say…
Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know what to TELL ya’! Dr. Kathy isn’t here! She’s sick! All the magic in the world isn’t gonna make her appear! You got two choices: Either keep complaining, or write down my advice and go do it! Okay? I could CARE LESS!! [ he grins mischieviously ] Okay, sweetheart? Thank you! Who’s next?
Leonard: This is Janelle. Uh… she’s 15.
Janelle: [ mumbling ] Um… my family… just moved to northern Florida, and nobody at Todd Central High School will talk to me. How do I make friends?
Roger Brush: Oh — oh, I have a new rule: If I can’t hear you, we’re DONE!! NEXT!!
Leonard: This is Toby, uh… he’s 14 and a half.
Toby: Um… how do I put this? I think I rubbed my thing raw, and, you know, it’s hard to walk. Am I doing it too much, huh?
Roger Brush: I — I — I don’t want to hear about this, that’s DISGUSTING!!
Leonard: I think he just needs assurance that he’s not alone.
Toby: Yeah, you’re supposed to help me!
Roger Brush: Well — I don’t care to hear it! What you do on your own time is your own business!
Toby: But… it hurts!
Roger Brush: [ laughing and sputtering ] What do you want from me?! I don’t know! Play with it ’til it falls off!
Toby: [ aghast ] Wha…?
Roger Brush: Young man, you’re being RUDE! Okay, who’s next?
Leonard: [ looking around ] No one wants to go.
Roger Brush: Okay, good. You know what, I’m ready for a break, anyway. When we come back, fashion expert Toni St. Saint is gonna show us some prom fasions for the plus-size girl. [ bug-eyed ] What?! Good luck with that! Uhhh — [ he chuckles ] We’ll be right back![ fade ]