Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 20
A Conversation with Gabourey Sidibe
[ A sign: “The New York Times presents: A Conversation with Gabourey Sidibe]
[Opens on a little hotel conference room. Academy Award Nominee Gabourey Sidibe talks to a small group of people with her agent. “Precious” movie poster]
Gabourey Sidibe: ….and working on “Precious” was one of the most exciting experiences of my life and I’m honored to be a part of it.
Agent: Ok. Let’s open it up to questions.
Fan: Yes. Hi, a lot of the movie is centered around Precious’s desire for a boyfriend. Are you currently dating anybody?
Gabourey Sidibe: No, I’m not. I was in a relationship for a long time but it didn’t work out. So right now I’m just enjoying being single.
Agent: Yes. Anyone else?
Hamilton:[deep voice] Yes. I have a question, my love.
[Hamilton holds a microphone, big tinted sunglasses, his 60’s style blond hairdo]
Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, what are you doing here?
Hamilton: I’ve come to ask for your black hand in marriage.
Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, this is not the time or the place for this.
Hamilton: If not us, who? If not now, when?
Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, I don’t think that you of all people should be quoting RFK.
Hamilton: Oh, it was RFK? I thought it was from “Birth of a Nation”. Well, whatever. You just take me back, my love.
Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, you are straight up crazy if you think I would ever go back with you.
Hamilton: Apparently you have forgotten how I used to captive you with my sensual dancing. How I spent long nights tracing passages from Robert Ludlum’s novels into your back with my penis.
Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, yes. We had some great times but I’ve moved on. I have a career now.
Hamilton: Well, I offer you the role of a lifetime. The role of my wife. Mrs. Hamilton Whiteman.
Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, don’t you get it? I’m a proud African-American woman. I can’t be with a person that thinks the way that you do.
Hamilton: Gabourey, I’m different now. With the changing of the guard in the White House. Or should I say Black House? [Hamilton looks to high five a black man next to him, black guy ignores him] I’ve realized that I must change my antiquated attitude about race relations.
Gabourey Sidibe: I find that hard to believe. Tell me one thing that you’ve done.
Hamilton: I saw your movie.
Gabourey Sidibe: You–, you saw “Precious”?
Hamilton: Yes, my Gab. I went to the local Magic Johnson movie theaters. I looked for a Larry Bird theater but it didn’t exist. Full disclosure. I was wearing riot gear and carrying my bayonet cane.
Gabourey Sidibe: Oh Hamilton, I’m so flattered. Tell me you liked the movie.
Hamilton: The black audience was talking to the screen 90% of it. But what I saw, I liked. What I saw, I liked.
Gabourey Sidibe: Hamilton, you don’t know how much that means to me. And I’m sorry that those people talked.
Hamilton: Don’t you call them “those people”.
Gabourey Sidibe: Oh, Ham. You really have changed.
Hamilton: Enough for you to take me back? Take me back.
Gabourey Sidibe: I’ll take you back. [with lust] And I’ll take your front.
Agent: You sure you wanna do that?
Gabourey Sidibe: I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.
Hamilton: [approaches Gabourey at the table singing] Oh, I am with you, life is a Gabourey, my dear…life is a Gabourey. [kisses Gabourey hand] I love you.
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel