Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 20
Mrs. Johnson
Boy 1…..Kenan Thompson
Boy 2…..Fred Armisen
Mrs. Johnson…..Gabourey Sadibe
[ open on tentament stoop, night ]
Boy 1: Ah, man! You shoulda SEEN Tyrell, man! He booked it out of there so fast!
Boy 2: And it was just a squirrel?
Boy 1: Yeah, it was like a tiny baby squirrel, man! And Tyrell was, like, “Ahhhhhhh!!” [ he laughs ]
[ reveal Mrs. Johnson leaning out of her first-story window ]
Mrs. Johnson: Keep it down out there! It’s the middle of the night, and some of us are trying to SLEEP!!
Boy 1: Ah, leave us alone, Mrs. Johnson!
Mrs. Johnson: Mmm-hmm. Now GET ON OUTTA HERE!!
[ she retreats inside her apartment ]
Boy 1: That’s old Mrs. Johnson, man. She’s just crazy!
Boy 2: Yeah. Sounds like it.
Boy 1: Yeah. Hey! Did you see the Yankee game today?
Boy 2: Aw, Andy Pettite is just DOMINATING this season! Right?
[ Mrs. Johnson pokes her head out of her window ]
Mrs. Johnson: HEY!! I said keep it down! Besides, Andy Pettite can’t sus-sing — can’t… sustain a low ERA if he keep walking so many ballots!
Boy 1: Would you relax, Mrs. Johnson?
Mrs. Johnson: Mmm-hmm. Now GET ON OUT OF HERE!!
[ she retreats inside her apartment ]
Boy 1: Pshhh! Man, she’s just a crazy lady talkin’ nonsense!
Boy 2: Yeah. Wanna go get a slice over at Marco’s?
Boy 1: Aw, HELL yeah! You know what makes their pizza great? The cru-ust!
[ Mrs. Johnson pokes her head out of her window ]
Mrs. Johnson: HEY!! It ain’t the crust, it’s the sauce! They use real San Rosana tomatoes from the volcanic soil of Mount Visuvius!
Boy 1: Ohhhh, hush up!
Mrs. Johnson: Mmm-hmm. Now GET ON AWAY FROM HERE!!
[ she retreats inside her apartment ]
Boy 1: Kooky, Mrs. Johnson, man! You know, I heard that she was chained up in there. Because, one time she escaped and ran down to City Hall and was exposing all kinds of corruption. And then she introduced sme bill to revolutionize the tax code. Just CRAZY stuff, man!
Boy 2: Yeah… Hey, is that crazy? I mean, it sounds kind of smart, you know?
Boy 1: Hey, about this, man — you wanna go down to the dog track.
Boy 2: Yeah. I just got paid. Come on, let’s double up! [ they high-five ]
[ Mrs. Johnson pokes her head out of her window ]
Mrs. Johnson: HEY!! You should take that money, put it in a Roth IRA, and invest it in an international small cap mutual fund! Those stocks are 25% off their 52-week high — but their fundamentals are still impressive!
Boy 1: Mrs. Johnson!
Mrs. Johnson: Mmm-hmm. NOW GET FROM AROUND HERE!!
[ she retreats inside her apartment ]
Boy 1: Man, that lady belongs in a MENTAL hospital!
Boy 2: Ah, I don’t know, man… she seems to know a lot of stuff.
Boy 1: Pfft! A lot of stuff about being a loon!
Mrs. Johnson: A loon is a medium-sized water bird! NOT to be confused with a seagull! NOWwWW GEEETTTT!!!
[ she retreats inside her apartment ]
Boy 1: You see what I’m saying?
[ Boy 2 nods ]
Mrs. Johnson: If you see what you’re saying… you might be suffering from a condition known as Synesthesia! NOW GEEETTTT GOING!!!
[ she retreats inside her apartment ]
Boy 2: You know… she might be less of a crazy person and more of a, you know, like, a genius.
Mrs. Johnson: According to the Greek philosopher Aristotle, there was never a genius without a tinge of madness. NOWWWW GEEETTTTTT!!!!
Boy 1: Mrs. Johnson!
Mrs. Johnson: Johnson is derived from the Hebrew word “Yohanan”, meaning “Gift of God.” LEAVE ME BE, NOWWW!!!
Boy 1: Mrs. Johnson!
Mrs. Johnson: WHAT?!!
Boy 1: How in the HELL do you KNOW all this stuff?!
[ flashback music pots up, as Mrs. Johnson develops a wistful stance ]
Mrs. Johnson: My Daddy used to sell Wikipedias.
Boy 2: But, Mrs. Johnson, you can get Wikipedia online for free.
Mrs. Johnson: I know. That’s why we was always so poor.
Both Boys: Ohhhhhhhhh….
Mrs. Johnson: Yeah. Really puts things into perspective. Maybe I’m not so crazy after all. NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I KILL YOU!!!!
Boy 1: Oh, hell!
[ the boys jump to their feet and run down the street ]
[ fade ]
